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—an area where a person's ability to see other people's reactions is hindered or where a person lacks understanding— I have been writing about blind spots for quite some time. I want to review a few examples of not being able to recognize blind spots in relationships: Feeling distance or lack of closeness Feeling "cut from the herd." Not feeling confident and not knowing why Remember, blind spots are what we say and do that push people away, and we don't recognize why. I may feel totally validated in my conversation but am entirely ignorant of how I am presenting. Take, for instance, the Know-It-All—If I am accused of being a know-it-all, I may be showing up as having all the answers, giving rebuttals for all my reasons, being intrusive, and interrupting the conversation. I create an unpleasant atmosphere for others who don't know it. Being incessantly right is another, and like the know-it-all, I can argue others into oblivion. I can rationalize, minimize, and justify anything. This is my inability to accept criticism or another person's viewpoint without allowing it to make me feel inferior, guilty, or ashamed. From always being late or too chatty, to not standing up or belittling myself or others, blind spots can create quite a destructive path. Blind spots may only occur a small percentage of the time, but they are annoying enough to make a huge difference. When my blind spots are obvious to others, they can help me recognize or endure them. I have seen it in my practice; blind spots are endured for decades, years, months, weeks, hours, or just a few moments. It depends. Sometimes we meet someone and are immediately turned off by their character, whether it is their words or actions. I had seen poor behavior endured in marriages for decades before they were dealt with either through changing disruptive behavior or the finality of divorce. Often, people give up trying to bring out something limiting our effectiveness in relationships, especially when we continually dismiss, deny, or justify it when it is pointed out. What a waste of living. Blind Spots are countless. To make matters complicated, we do not all have the same ones, but there should be a drive in us to always seek them out. We won't find them all, but together the journey is incredibly healthy and emotionally maturing. Keep exposing the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #family #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #growtogether #mindsetiseverything #marriagecoach #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshiprevolution #russelltomlinson #relationshipcoach #therapy #familyfirst

Robin was having a dreary day. This was odd because she generally began her day with vigor. She decided to take a mental health day, rest, relax, and see if she could return to her former self because she was feeling rundown. Ralph returns home from a long commute and day of work to find the house in a mess. He has little tolerance for this disarray but clenches his jaw and does not say anything initially. He had anticipated that Robin would welcome him home and the two would have a nice evening together. As he continues gaining evidence about things that did not get done or that were not done well, he finally expresses his exasperation to Robin, "Looks like you had a productive day today." "Ouch," Robin feels the bite of his words and stays quiet. Robin had anticipated that Ralph would return home and support her. Ralph continues with a laugh and says, "What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?" Robin is not in a joking mood. After all, he didn't know her day was miserable or even question if anything could happen to her. He was not thinking of her feelings or her experience of the day. He was in his world. [Blind Spot] Ralph uses sarcasm as a passive-aggressive means of expressing his discontent. He made his first error in assuming that Robin simply sat around doing nothing. His second mistake was to express it with sarcasm. Asking ourselves what our expectations are and conveying them to another is a great way to be understood. This experience set the tone for the evening to be distant from each other rather than enjoy each other. One of the definitions of sarcasm is to cut or tear flesh. Ouch! Sarcasm is so culturally accepted that it is not viewed by some as hurtful in relationships. Others feel the cut and tear and don't speak up even though it is painful. Most of us love a good joke. A joke means that everyone laughs. If all do not laugh, it falls into the sarcasm category. Being intentional in bringing humor to a relationship is extremely healthy. Do you lead with sarcasm or jokes? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #energy #energyhealing #marriage #selfempowerment #jokes #jokesonyou #sarcasm #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #RussellTomlinson #relationshiprevolution #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

Who am I in your presence? Often, I am in the presence of another and find myself frustrated or not feeling good about myself when I am with them. What an unpleasant experience. People who present unpleasantness are usually oblivious to it and persist until they discover it is unappealing to others and modify it or risk being abandoned. [Blind Spot] I frequently hear someone described as having alienated others due to their narcissistic, gaslighting, or manipulative behavior. Let's define these behaviors for clarity. A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest or admiration for themselves and discounts others. Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of a person that causes them to doubt their thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. Manipulators exploit or scheme to control someone cleverly or unscrupulously. These behaviors occur on a continuum from mild to chronic and anywhere in between. A person can be mildly narcissistic, or they can be chronically narcissistic. It is the same with gaslighting or manipulating. Experiencing these behaviors from the ones we love is miserable. These terms are usually expressed with disdain or some pejorative connotation to describe a person who is challenging to deal with or someone who has verbally or psychologically injured them. People in one or more of these terminologies are complicated to be aro und. It is not okay to suffer from anyone who treats you in these three ways. Sometimes it is impossible to get away from them, especially if they are family or coworkers. However, to remain in their presence is toxic and usually deteriorates the relationship. Though it is only natural to wish to affect change in others, keep in mind that we can only change ourselves. This is where, culturally; we tend to fail. It is easy to distance ourselves from them, blaming their behavior or exercising critical judgment for separating from them. I don't mean to imply that we don't need to separate from them, but rather that we must continue to put our focus on changing ourselves rather than playing the victim and saying, "Poor me." I prefer setting boundaries in a way that makes my distance from them evident when I voice my unhappiness or disapproval of my experience with them. Blaming others in a relationship is taking the victim's role and ensuring things will not change until the identified perpetrator changes their behavior. Accepting responsibility for how I allow others to treat me is the emotionally mature way to change the relationship experience. Actions, rather than words, can be a more effective means of conveying the story of discomfort in their presence. Again, the age-old question, "Am I the victim, or am I responsible?" I choose responsibly. Who are you in the presence of others? What do you need to do about any toxic relationships? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #russelltomlinson #marriageadvice #mindset #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissisticabuseawareness #manipulators #manipulation #gaslightingawareness #gaslighting #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

Honor your father and mother. [Exodus 20:12] It's difficult to believe that some mothers and fathers have yet to earn this privilege. This is not about passing judgment on them but making a point for all of us. Last Sunday, we sat behind a young family; a mom, a dad, and three children ages 9, 7, and 5. They were a delight to observe. The dad was engaged in the service, and so was the mom. I was particularly enamored by the mom, who was constantly engaged with each child separately. Her looks told a powerful story and were unmistakable. Her smile was approval and acceptance. Her eyebrows told one story, and her pursed lips told another. Each child was very attuned to her. Her tilted head expressed pay attention. Her smile said they were doing a great job. She spent time with the 7-year-old during the hymns by pointing out the complicated method of reading the hymnal. While talking about scripture, she helped the older two find it in their children's bible that they carry each Sunday. Amazingly she did all of this without disengaging in her participation in the service. What a delight to watch her seamlessly orchestrate them in such a way that seemed like a language they knew and understood without using words. Occasionally, Dad would glance across with the same telepathic ability, expressing his thoughts of their acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Following a wonderful children's sermon, they retreated with the other children to spend their own time together. The parents then moved side by side and participated in the remainder of the service. What an excellent example of a family worshiping together. Honor your father and mother. This commandment calls on us as children to be devoted to our parents, but it also calls on us as parents to be honorable so that respect for one another and for the family develops naturally through love, dedication, and discipline. Oh, to be able to go back and do it again. It may have been very different for my family. I am sure it would have been. Yet knowing that there is no turning back, we can search for role models and examples of how we can make today better than yesterday. Honor your father and mother. Need I ask any questions about your understanding of this commandment? I choose better every day. How about you? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #family #growthmindset #10Commandments #emotionalmaturity #counseling #growtogether #mindsetiseverything #marriagecoach #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshiprevolution #russelltomlinson #relationshipcoach #therapy #familyfirst

People will occasionally make an alarming and difficult comment. Unsolicited advice or false accusations can be the worst. I call it “blurting” and here are examples: Why did you do it that way? Why do you allow that to happen? Why don't you do it my way? You should not listen to them. You need to fix that. Your colors are uncoordinated. Your car is ugly. You need to get another one. Can't you keep up? Your family is chaotic. As you can see from the examples above—to blurt means to say something suddenly without thinking and is generated by excitement or discontent. It is sometimes heard as a false accusation. Blurts entice us to follow along with the subject introduced by the blurter. Attempting to defend this type of conversation can be futile and exhausting at best. It can be quite challenging but also incredibly beneficial to learn how to symbolically move aside and let these kinds of words sink into the wall behind us. First, I like to preplan my conversation with a blurter. I asked myself what they might say or ask, and then I predetermine how I want to respond. It is a great idea to put these things in writing, so you have a record to look back on and add to as you continue to use this technique. Here are a few gently curious questions and a statement that have proved to be rock solid: Why did you do it that way? (answer) How come you ask? Your family is chaotic. (answer) What would you like me to do with that information? You are wrong. You need my help. You are jumping the gun. (response) This is coming so fast I feel blown away or even inept. Isn't that something? I really know what I'm doing and how to handle this. Thanks for your opinion. If they reply or answer my question, I use an eloquent grunt. Humm. Then I don't say anything else. Second, I like to refrain from engaging in their subject matter. I like to have a one-minute story that I can throw down in the middle of the blurting attack, Did I tell you about…? It is amazing that people are unaware they come across in a way that is disconcerting or annoying to another. [Blind Spot] Remember, because they are unaware of it, trying to bring it to their attention can sometimes be futile. It is a process of learning how to strategically disengage and you will get better each time you find yourself in this situation. Identify the blurt and prepare a response plan. Although it is simple to say, doing so is challenging. It hurts to be a blurter's victim. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #energy #energyhealing #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

There is a song that goes, "I'm in a hurry to get things done, oooh I rush and rush until life's no fun..." ending with "I'm in a hurry and don't know why..." I think it is the same as "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get..." Busyness can be the "blind spot" keeping you from recognizing what you desperately need. I know your to-do list is likely close by and packed with tasks. It is a very ‘busy’ day. Sometimes we know there is a better way to do things, but we are just so 'busy' we do not even think we have the time to find it–so we keep going like we always have. [Blind Spot] Busyness can happen so subtly that you don’t realize what is going on until it is to late—a broken marriage, strained relationships, health scares, anxiety attacks. [Blind Spot] I want you to hear is this—You have this one fantastic life. I do not want you to get up every morning feeling totally exhausted and defeated before it even begins. Time is the greatest gift we have, because it is the only thing we will never get back. How you devote your time is how you devote your life. Do not let ‘busy’ steal your moments, take the time to count your blessings, ‘practice’ slowing down, let go of what you cannot control, 'listen' to your heart, be productive not ‘busy’ and most of all JUST BREATHE! Happy Wednesday, keep looking for the blind spots! Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #mindset #justbreathe #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

"If I hang around the barber shop, I might get a haircut.” God puts people in our lives. He will bring the right people into our lives, and we must let the wrong people walk away, because the people I choose to surround myself with either raise or lower my standards. I either become the best version of myself or am encouraged to become a lesser version, because I will be like my friends. None of us becomes great or unsuccessful on our own. Tony Robins says, “Get rid of negative people who bring you down. Surround yourself with people who lift you up”. The people around us help to make us who we are. We become who we attract or who we are attracted to. The law of attraction goes back to Confucius in the 6th century BC, who wrote one of the first quotes about surrounding yourself with good people: “If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” This idea that you are who you surround yourself with has lasted this long because it’s truth—and you can use it to achieve your dreams in business and life. I attract what I focus on. If I hang around with negative people, I'll feel like I'm living under a cloud. But if I fill my life with friends who positively challenge my thinking, I will live in the sunshine of success. Have you ever heard someone say, “You are who you hang out with?” Look at raising children, we likely worry about them joining in with the wrong crowd—and our parents feared the same for us. That's because the people you spend the most time with have a big impact on your emotions, your worldview, and your expectations of yourself. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” As parents, we instinctively know this, and we want to use this power of supervision to positively affect our children. Do you use this concept to your advantage? Surrounding yourself with good people can influence every aspect of your life, from business to romantic relationships. “We all get what we tolerate, in ourselves and other people.” – Tony Robbins “Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who’ll argue with you.” – John Wooden (My mentor would laugh at me using this quote) “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn If I run with the wrong crowd, it can be difficult to break this routine. I only have one life to live. I want to get the most out of it. What herd do you run with? Do your close friends propel you to where you want to go? Whoever I choose to hang around, I will become. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #makeadifference #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything #marriagecoach #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshiprevolution #russelltomlinson #relationshipcoach #therapy #motivational #motivation

Something that slips past our conscious thinking is whether our personal energy exudes something positive or negative. I don't know about you, but my world needs positive energy. Yes, that general feeling of good cheer, happiness, and hope. Positive energy attracts positive energy and helps to promote health and well-being. Do our children experience enough positive energy? Starting young, to know and recognize positive energy, can set them on a great path. It is so easy to overlook this opportunity. Children are raised with so many commands that involve negative vibes. It is vital to ensure they feel a mix of positivity combined with teaching them to be great. How is positive energy generated? Smiling more is one of the simplest and most effective ways to project positive energy. A smile is the easiest way for me to feel happier, more positive, and it also makes those around me feel the same way. Being gracious and appreciative makes me feel good and will likely encourage others to do something nice for someone else. Complimenting others can create a good feeling in them, and they are more likely to be inspired to pay it forward. Another way to spread positive energy is to help others. It makes both of you feel good. Attract positive people, you know, those who are perpetually upbeat. Yeah, it would be ideal if you gravitated closer to them. Spending time with uplifting individuals makes you feel better about yourself and elevates your spirits. We mentioned smiling earlier. However, you can kick it up a notch by combing it with a wave! When you're out in public, make an effort to smile and wave at people. It's a simple act, but it can really make someone's day. Oh yeah, what about random acts of kindness? When truly done without another person knowing their source, these acts are amazing. Remember, positivity is contagious. When you project positive energy, you make those around you feel better. What is your energy level? Can you make it more positive? Go out and make someone's day, smile and say hello. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #energy #energyhealing #smile #smilemore #smilechallenge #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

I am where I am because of the choices I've made. Yes, this is a bold statement, but it's true. Think about it, how often do we use the phrases, "I had to" or "She/He made me" when explaining why we did or did not do something. These words expose us because we believe that we are not actively involved in our choices. Regardless of the situation or surroundings, we need to understand that we are the ones in charge of the choices we make. [Blind Spot] Good or bad, I believe my life is a result of my choices. Examples of your choices: Being in a job that you love, or you don't like. You're in a relationship that is healthy or unhealthy. You don't like your income. Your house/car is or is not what you think it should be. You’re late. You’re stressed out. It's so easy, as you can see, to blame others, the weather, the stock market, interest rates, prices of goods sold, traffic, computers, and a variety of other things. We tend to absolve ourselves because we believe that someone else is in charge. Indeed, some events happen that are out of our control, such as storms, floods, and accidents; yet again, we have a choice of how we will react or respond to adverse circumstances in our life. How are you doing with your choices? What percent of life are you really living today because of your choices, 30, 50, 75%? What better choices can you make to improve your life just a few percentage points? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #mindset #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

I am excited to share that I was a special guest speaker on Russell Tomlinson’s, Relationship Revolution Podcast this last week. Russell and I discussed Blind Spots in Relationships. We spoke about how we can learn and discover what we don’t know we don’t know about ourselves, how anxiety and intellect compete for the same available brain resources, when anxiety is up, our intellect is down and much more. This is great listen for those who are married, dating, divorced and looking to be in a relationship. You can listen to the Relationship Revolution Podcast on Apple Podcast, Spreaker from iHeartRadio and at this link: https://tinyurl.com/yc85kw5x Watch for the blind spots. ABOUT: Russell Tomlinson is a marriage and relationship expert who has coached countless couples for over 40 years. His ultimate goal and life assignment is to assist couples in discovering the true treasure that lies beneath their differences and disagreements. His mission is to bring stability to our communities by strengthening marriages and families. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #makeadifference #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything #russelltomlinson #thedifferencefactor #marriagecoach #relationshiprevolution #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshipcoach #therapy

Occasionally, I find someone willing to settle for less than they deserve in their relationship. I call it settling for crumbs on a paper plate in the corner of the kitchen rather than on the fine China on the dining room table. Here are some questions to help you assess how you show up in your relationships. Do you stay because you fear you can't improve, or do you claim your self-worth and disallow poor treatment? Do you settle for less than you think you deserve or ask for what you need? Do you feel you work too hard in the relationship, or do you demand reciprocation? Are you staying because you're afraid to leave or do you feel great in this relationship? Do you find yourself complaining more or becoming more assertive? Are you telling yourself that things will improve over time, or are you asking for change? Have you lost credibility, or are you feeling cherished? Do you recognize that being alone is better than being together and feeling alone? Do you tolerate whatever comes your way, or are you setting healthy limits? Having emotionally mature confidence in yourself is the key to great relationships. When I treat myself with dignity and respect, I will not allow anyone to treat me less. If I am going to be mad at anyone in this relationship, it is not going to be me.We promote what we permit. In my relationships, the question now becomes, am I eating crumbs on a paper plate in the corner of the kitchen, or am I eating on the dining room table with fine linen, silver, China, and crystal? It is my choice. I choose healthy, how about you? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

Blind spots are like a Mack truck that drives through your life, revealing your weak spots, limitations and humbling your reactions. I was in a conversation with a very dear friend on the way back from a trip. We discussed many situations and things we had experienced in a seminar attended that weekend. In the midst of the conversation he said, “You know, you have very limiting beliefs.” WHHAAAAT?! I was immediately defensive and began to read him the riot act on how he was wrong. Rationalizing, justifying and minimizing my behavior because OH MAN, BLIND SPOT EXPOSED! Here is what I learned and what you too can look for—the things I want to deny or resist about myself are the very things that identify my blind spots. Start listening to what people say around you. It is a blind spot revealer and can help you see what you are not seeing. When you uncover your blind spots, you become more conscious of your strengths, areas of opportunity, and the boundaries that you are operating within so you can lean forward and build a better you. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bible #bayharbourumc #mindset #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #buildingcommunity #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people