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I was privileged to work in a hospital setting getting the experience of all kinds of psychological matters. I facilitated multifamily groups of adolescents, children, and their parents. These children and adolescents were there for issues of behavior, drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, or other circumstances that cause life and families to be out of balance. Many wonderful things happen in multifamily groups that do not happen in regular family groups. In multifamily groups, the observers in the family can see the things that cause other people’s pain points and problems. This observation allows them to identify their own blind spots because they can see things that other people are doing that they cannot see in themselves or in their own families. About six adolescents and their families were present on a Saturday morning, and during this time, the adolescents kept the families informed. After the group began, a father who had arrived late interrupted by asking his son how he did on his algebra test. The boy replied, “47.” Immediately, the dad almost left his chair and began to berate the boy about not studying, not being engaged, failing in life, not having his priorities straight, and on and on and on. [BLIND SPOT] I noticed the boy wanted to say something but did not. I asked the young man what he had to say. Initially, he refused to reveal anything, but later stated, "I just wanted to tell my dad that 47 was the highest grade in the class." A hush fell on the group. The father sat back, his chin on his chest, and said nothing else. Sometimes it is easy to overreact or fly off the handle. Sometimes we don’t listen well. Sometimes our intention of being a great parent gets overridden by our emotions. This dad is not a bad dad. He genuinely wants his son to succeed, but he was unaware of how much he was impeding his son's success. This kind of sustained parental behavior is a good example of how a child or an adolescent’s spirit gets broken. This creates the opportunity for the son to feel worthless and go through life with that miserable feeling of I don't matter, I’m not enough, I could never please dad, boss, spouse, or myself. Family relationships are greatly impacted by times of conflict, anxiety, or chaos. To build a better family, we must include the emotional effects that permeate all social systems. We must also be aware of the emotions of others and deal with them appropriately. Failure to do so may cause the feeling of being controlled by others or create an opportunity for conflict. An emotionally mature family is not a collection of emotionally mature family members. Read that again. Just because you have emotionally mature individuals does not ensure an emotionally mature family. Every family experiences some level of underlying conflict and chronic anxiety, and if these issues aren't resolved, the family weakens and deteriorates. Families are intricate social systems that require self-control, especially on the part of the parents. All family members must exercise self-control in order for their families to be healthy and emotionally mature. A healthier family is the result of emotionally mature decision-making, increased creativity, original thinking, and higher morale. It promotes participation, cooperation, and collaboration and encourages each member to realize his or her full potential. Best of all, it builds trust. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #counselingworks #communicationiskey #marriagefamilytherapist #marriagecounseling #leadershipcoaching #buildingrelationships #fridaymotivation #fridaythoughts #familytherapy #betterparenting

Yes, I recall the days driving my “beater car” down life's highway in San Angelo, Tx. The fenders were bent and dinged, the paint was rusted, and a couple of windows were cracked. It was a sight to behold. My “beater” bounced off guardrails, occasionally hitting the gravel just off the edge of the pavement, and I would hear it bang on the inside of the fenders. Now and again, my “beater” would skid into a ditch, and once or twice it had me headed in the opposite direction. In my “old beater,” this was normal travel. I blamed the guardrails for being too close to the fenders. I blamed the ditches and the potholes and even other drivers. And my "beater;" well, it only got worse for the wear. People didn't want to ride with me and when they did, they looked at me as if I were the problem. Really?! It made me take a closer look at my "beater," with its dings, scratches, dents, and cracks, and it hit me; the steering, braking, and gas pedal all shared one thing: ME. The car I drove down life’s highway was a “beater” because I failed to recognize "blind spots" that were negatively impacting me. My lack of self-control, faulting others, and ignoring road signs and speed limits all created obstacles along life's highway that were meant to keep me safe. I am personally responsible for the losses, tears, and inconveniences because of my recklessness in relationships, and I had to change. Now my contributions to the chaos are much clearer and I can see further ahead since these blind spots have been revealed. You see, blind spots are the things I don’t know I don’t know about myself and how I show up to others. By educating myself on how to navigate life's highway, listening to others, and making life course adjustments along the way, I have traded in my “beater” for a full-size comfortable SUV. It is a sight to behold, it shines and glistens. People smile and even wave at me now or take a lonnnnng look at my new ride. They don’t pass me real fast or look at me scared anymore. LOL Life's highway is now a multi-lane expressway with excellent signage and lighting for night driving. I traded my pride for a splash of humility, and it has been a profitable investment. I have declared that I am "not all that important," and it's nice to be welcomed and appreciated. I yield to others so that we can all get to our destinations safely and enjoy the ride. Yes, I am now “rich” in terms of relationships. What a gift it is to me and others to recognize my blind spots, and yield to them so that life’s highway is a smooth and enjoyable ride. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdayvibes #wednesdaymotivation #lifeisahighway #communicationstrategy #HumilityOverPride #humility #sanangelotx #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #communicationiskey #blindspots #marriagefamilytherapist #marriagecounseling

You check your vehicle's tires, oil, and vital fluids for a reason. Unwanted wear and tear can result from a lack of attention. Marriages, also, require upkeep and care. Most couples enter marriage with engines revving and then discover that months or years later the relationship is idling, sputtering, knocking, squealing, stalling, or clunking. Imagine how many breakdowns in love, communication, and patience could have been avoided if a couple had taken the time to address them rather than ignore them. We put it on cruise control far too often, failing to actively seek to meet one another's needs or communicate our own. “We repeat what we don’t repair.” – John Gottman Whether you are just starting out, or you have been in it for a while, I recommend that couples ask these two marriage maintenance questions: 1) What do you need from me that you are not getting? Examples: You used to meet me at the door when I came home from work. I miss your laugh and humor. I liked it when we had a conversation after we went to bed. I miss us eating dinner as a family. It should be used to strengthen the relationship. Simply asking does not guarantee that you will receive it. However, it does provide each with a clear picture of what is missing. 2) What are you not talking about that we need to be talking about? Examples: I was upset after our conversation on Wednesday. I was upset when you forgot to call. I did not tell you how much it cost. I was afraid you would be upset. I was upset that I did not play golf/go shopping. Clearing the air about what was said or not said is critical for healthy relationships. Are you there, can you hear the clunk, sputter, knock, and or squeal? Don’t wait until the “check engine” light comes on. Preventative measures let you know if there are any issues that need to be addressed to avoid major problems later on. I suggest that no rebuttal or excuses are entertained until at least the next day. The possible connection can be thwarted by trying to prove the other wrong rather than listening to eliminate concerns or requests. Start talking more, sharing more, and living more—keep it tuned up. Maintaining your marriage requires the same attention to detail as maintaining your car and ensures it runs for a long time. I hope this helps you travel more happy miles in your marriage. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #communicationiskey #blindspots #marriagefamilytherapist #marriagecounseling #mondaymotivation #mondaythoughts #mondayvibes

It is safe to say that everyone wants life to be a little simpler. No one lays their head down at night and thinks, "You know, I wish today had been way more complicated and chaotic." Right!?? We know firsthand how quickly a day can throw a “plot twist.” It can throw instant chaos into work schedules, kids’ activities, household upkeep, and literally just trying to figure out what is for dinner—tonight. I hear it frequently, “Our lives are out of control, and we just cannot seem to get a grip; we are always gunning after the next “to do.” I utilize a principle to simplify the expectations and start looking for ways to simplify what is right in front of us, day by day so the haze can lift and the joy return. I call it “Calendar Night.” Usually, it is best when it occurs on Sunday evening when parents take the calendar and look at what each family member must do for the upcoming week. At this point, it is easy to talk about who will take care of what. Are there any events the parents can do together? It is time to look at any irregularities in work schedules that cause shifts in time or length of workdays. This is a good place to establish a date night and set up a time specifically reserved for the couple. The purpose of calendar night is to establish the week; it is strictly a 'plan' and is not set in stone. If any deviations occur, the family must be included. It is a good thing not only to have a mutual electronic calendar but also to have a printout posted on the refrigerator or in the family room where it is accessible by either parent or the children. After the week is planned, I recommend that you go out for six to eight weeks in general and look for upcoming events such as birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other types of celebrations in the nuclear or extended family. Calendar night will keep you from running through your house trying to do EVERYTHING to only doing the IMPORTANT things. The first step…is deciding what you want to make time for. “Either you run the day, or the day runs you."—Jim Rohn Calendar Night will assist your family in being more intentional every day to execute, grow, and remain organized. I've discovered that it's a great time to start talking about upcoming events and start incorporating them into your conversations. Start your Calendar Night, the fall is gaining on us and setting priorities and boundaries will help alleviate stress and create forward momentum. Gather as a family on Sundays to ensure that none of you are sabotaged by unexpected appointments or events. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. P.S. This isn't just for families; you can apply it to your life, relationships, and business. I've made a couple of printable pdf calendars to get you started. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to make sure it is really you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #fridaymood #fridaymotivation #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #marriageandfamilytherapy #calendarnight #coachingtips #simplifyyourlife #simplifylife #communicationiskey #blindspots #marriagefamilytherapist

Imagine a large limb falls from a tree into a flowing river, as the limb floats the river, it gets stuck on rocks or by other low-hanging limbs. It could get pushed over into the non-flowing water and there remain for an inordinate period of time. It may become waterlogged and sink, never to go any farther down the river. It could be caught up in small eddies or whirlpools and be detained. The large branch in the flowing river is interesting because it sometimes represents us driving down life's highway. Without knowing where we're going or how we'll get there, we unconsciously fail to recognize the things that are pushing us off course. We get held back by circumstances or by people who only want to use us for their benefit. Without knowing who we are and where we are going, it's easy to get off track, snagged, interrupted, detoured, or caught up in things we don't want to happen. We are frequently pushed or pulled into situations that do not suit us. “Drifting, without aim or purpose, is the first cause of failure.” —Napoleon Hill I like the idea of having “identified targets” on life's highway. I want to know the things I want to accomplish so I can make the best use of my time and energy. I need to identify the things that suck time and energy from my goals. Mindless television, youtube videos, social media, and so many other things are what can hold me back or detour me from my destiny. Don’t get caught up in life’s drift. If I could restart my life's journey, I would first figure out what kind of lifestyle I want to live before deciding on a job. Then I'd figure out what kind of education I'd need to get ready for that job. I would ask what I want. What's my plan? What am I waiting for? Who am I and where am I going? Be intentional and strategic about your destiny. I have declared that I will live the next 20 years leaning forward making a big difference in all I come into contact with. Come with me! Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to make sure it is really you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #counselingworks #communicationiskey #drifting #blindspots #marriagefamilytherapist #napoleonhill

Do you draw me in or repel me? The way you present yourself can either make you a larger-than-life figure in your story, or a background character. Some walk into a room and instantly put everyone at ease. Others seem to make you grit your teeth and eyes roll no matter what they do. School is gearing up; some have started, and others are getting ready. I am reminded of the Fifth-grade teacher who greeted his students with special handshakes every day before they enter class. This teacher not only puts his students at ease, but they establish their relationship from the first moment of class. I don’t know about you but that makes my heart smile. Life is precious and we are each faced with pain, suffering, shame, loss, and difficulty. Who doesn’t have their cross to bear? But in it all, people still need acknowledgment, recognition, and appreciation. Your ability to receive me, or others, will either make us feel special (and want to stay) or like a blockhead (and want to leave). This acknowledgment represents the giving and receiving in relationships; it is how I perceive myself in your presence. Acknowledgment is powerful. We must pay attention to all that is said and done; even what is unsaid, because it creates the “feedback loop.” When I am not well received in your presence, I can be left feeling rejected, dissed, or belittled and the feedback loop cannot be completed. There is interference and it can lead to disconnection. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. When you do not receive and acknowledge them fully, you train them to stop showing up for the relationship. Listen, we are all busy running off to this or that and have a LOT we need to get done. As stated in the quote below, those are not the things that are remembered, it is how you made them feel. "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel" - Maya Angelou. We will make mistakes. We are human, and things happen. That does not give us the license to treat each other poorly or make people feel less in our presence. In close personal relationships, we must ask how we want them to feel about themselves in our presence. If we want them to feel good, we must give them that experience. Otherwise, they will slip away and we will not know why. Do you attract or repel? [Blind Spot] At the end of the day, as trite as it may sound, follow the big playbook, “Treat others just as you want to be treated.” Luke 6:31 CEV We can lift others up with one message, one action – one person at a time. How will I feel about myself when I am in your presence? Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to make sure it is really you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bettereveryday #mondaymood #counselingworks #mayaangelou #feedback #marriagefamilytherapist #treatothersthewayyouwanttobetreated #treatotherswell

Go big or go home. We have all heard it, tried it, or failed at it. Truth be told too many times when you "go big or go home" you often end up at home. I see it in my office often, people convince themselves that massive success requires massive action. Instead of taking it one step at a time, they force themselves into unrealistic improvements believing it will get them there faster. This is the tortoise and hare story. People who have achieved greatness have learned a crucial lesson: take tiny steps. While taking tiny steps may seem like a passive way to achieve a goal, doing so actually entails sticking to the processes and making the necessary efforts to achieve them. Most failures are not the result of a lack of willpower or courage, but a lack of consistency. All these tiny steps are held together by consistency which results in success. “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” —Mark Twain I am stuck until I change myself. [BLIND SPOT] Changing your actions and behaviors to change your habits is a deliberate and strategic approach that provides you with the prescription you need to make major changes that will impact you for the rest of your life. The "Weekly Display" worksheet will guide you through the process of changing your actions and behaviors in order to change your habits. On this worksheet, you will write in what goal or goals you want to attain at the top of the sheet, then identify activities you can do each day to direct your efforts towards reaching the goal. These activities could be measured in hours, minutes, miles, pounds, pages read, or any other things that you would like to measure. Set a goal of how many times per week you would like to perform this activity. Break this small goal into daily activities. Review your activities each morning and each evening, and log your results. Be as realistic as possible with the results. This is not to give yourself a grade, it is just to see how you are doing and correct your course if needed. At the end of the week, summarize your achieved results and compare them to your weekly goal. Follow up with these questions…what worked well this week, what didn’t work well, and what do I want to focus on next week? This is a great way to track your progress and hold yourself accountable. The “Weekly Display” is the best key, I have found, to focus on changing habits and creating new ones. I would like to challenge you to download it and get started. Remember, tiny steps consistently over time lead to success. I cannot wait to hear what you accomplish. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #leadershipcoaching #mentorship #communicationiskey #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey #emotionalintelligence #tortoiseandhare #smallstepseveryday #smallstepstobigchange #smallstepstosuccess #gobigorgohome #consistencyiskey #familytherapy #bettereveryday #slowdown

My friend Paula made this comment on the “Blame” post: “This is a great one! Would you please do a blind spot post on defensiveness? While reading this (post on Blame), I imagined addressing the blame issue with someone, but they might get very defensive, and bringing a blind spot to someone's attention might go awry. And maybe my own, trauma-driven, response to having to always defend myself, ha-ha. If someone brought to my attention a blind spot, I might have a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness.” Yes, Paula! This is a very worthwhile quandary. How do you get someone to see their blind spots? Remember, blind spots are the things that are said or done that cause others to feel pushed away from us. To make someone aware that they are causing us to experience something harsh or unpleasant is a delicate task. Defensiveness comes when you want to point out a blind spot and the other feels attacked and denies the accusation, they try to defend themselves from feeling angry, hurt, or ashamed when they perceive the other as critical. They have difficulty with “constructive criticism” and may mistakenly take it as a perceived threat. Anyone can be provoked by a personal issue that causes them to have a defensive reaction. Most of us want to hear good things about ourselves and when we hear negative things, it puts us into a recoil state. Defensive behavior triggers people’s fight, flight, or freeze response, which is generated by the reptilian brain. Receiving criticism can be very challenging, especially if there is any possibility of low confidence or shame. It is hard to hear what I call “negative feedback” as loving and caring. It does not draw you closer, and it's mostly heard as nagging, complaining, demeaning, or belittling. Just remember in any relationship, one size does not fit all. What works for one person may not work for another. It is imperative that you stay agile as you work to get your point across. Listening and remaining calm are valuable resources in a defensive situation. But don’t relent, if you relent, it is much more difficult to go back and restart the process and if you submit to it, it will continue to haunt both of you. To help someone overcome a blind spot means that you want to help them create an opportunity to connect and be close as opposed to creating distance. It creates an opening where both people benefit and win. The magic question is, “How do I get this idea across without creating a threat?” The objective is to be able to develop an offering that would reduce fear and start a line of communication. Let’s look at a situation where someone has just been told they are controlling. What they may hear is that they are being blamed for being controlling “all the time.” But when they reflect on their past, they realize how frequently they have given in without receiving recognition for it. At this moment, anxiety overrides intellect making it challenging to absorb this remark. “You” statements come across negatively, putting others more on the defense. Often in my practice, I hear these statements. “You are controlling.” “You never listen.” “You are getting loud.” “You are being mean.” These are “igniting” statements and when you are trying to create an environment where there are no defensive knee-jerk reactions, these are best avoided. Making statements that are directed toward "you" helps diffuse tension and makes the other less defensive. “I am feeling pushed away.” “I want something better for us.” “I want to feel safe in your presence.” “I want to feel special again.” Making the statement, “I'm in a double bind here, I’m danged if I do and danged if I don’t. I am afraid it will upset you if I tell you I am offended. If I don't tell you I'm offended, I'm afraid you'll continue to offend me, and it will cause more and more problems down the road.” You are “asking” them to join you in this dilemma and collectively work through this issue. Being inviting is the key. In healthy relationships, one partner does not want the other to be in a bind and will do whatever is necessary to relieve the pressure. In a defensive situation, emotional maturity—being able to recognize and control your own emotions and have the capacity to identify the others’ emotional state and respond effectively—is highly valuable. If I make a suggestion and they do not respond amicably, I must keep out of any argument and try to rephrase the statement or request in a way that will diffuse the situation. If this process takes too long, perhaps professional assistance is required. The ideal situation is not to allow blind spots to exist, because if they continue it will be the downfall of the relationship. Being able to offer empathy and respect to those around you will also go a long way to avoiding the trap of defensiveness. Great question Paula, I pray this was helpful. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #staypositive #keeptalking #leadershipcoaching #mentorship #resilience #communicationiskey #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey #defensivenessbuildswalls #defensiveness #blame #constructivecriticism #emotionalintelligence

Relationships become predictable when we do the same thing repeatedly, even if it doesn't work. You say this…I respond with that… I do this…you do that… These predictable conversations or actions create an “orbit.” An orbit is a perpetual elliptical path that one object in space takes around another. It is the same in relationships, we create an orbit that moves in the same trajectory path and becomes predictable in nature. When engaging in these familiar activities, we never resolve any issues, and actions usually end with disappointment and without closure. This is the beginning of a fractured relationship. It is vital to start fresh discussions or take new actions that can lead to resolutions in order to get over this. I call this flying in a new orbit. Problems arise when one partner endeavors to make a change for the better but the other feels uncomfortable and they try everything within their power to return the relationship to its familiar old orbit. We tend to hang out in what is familiar rather than what is good for us. If I choose to show up differently in my relationships to create a win-win for us, it is imperative that I stay in this new orbit even if things don't improve right away. When I choose something new to promote this win-win without putting the other in a defensive mode, I have established a new orbit. This could be that I choose not to allow an argument to get out of hand, or that I will not allow someone to bully me or defame me. After choosing the new orbit, I must ACT in a manner to show the other I am serious about what I need for a win-win. Another example could be a debate that fuels polarization, anxiety and worry. If this dispute was written on a tablet instead of speaking, it might be handled differently. As a result, anxiety may decrease, and reason and intellect may be better employed. Sustained change is the secret to success when you choose a new orbit. It is necessary to stay on the new path until the other sees the advantage of the new way of doing things. Thus, a new orbit is created. Is this easy? No. Is it fruitful in building a stronger relationship? Absolutely. Be open to recognizing and even celebrating what makes each of you healthier in this relationship. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #staypositive #keeptalking #leadershipcoaching #mentorship #resilience #communicationiskey #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey

Repeat phrases often enough and they will become true; don’t major on your minuses. This is “automatic” negative self-talk. “Yeah, but I….” “If only I.…” “I am such a (negative)….” “I’ll never….” Having pejorative thoughts about ourselves produces limiting beliefs that create blind spots. Sometimes we drowned in negative thoughts that affect us externally without even noticing. When we internalize negative comments from others, it is like the story of the frog in a boiling pot, the more negative things we tolerate, the more they become the things we begin to believe. “It’s not what happens, it’s what you do about it.” —Jim Rohn You must remember that the hard days are what make you stronger. Without the bad days, you don’t realize what a good day is. If you never had any struggles, you would never have felt a sense of accomplishment! Identify 100 good things about you and write them down. When you fill your self-talk up with so many positives, you start to employ them in your life. Now create a mantra that is inspiring. A mantra is a positive statement that can help you to challenge and overcome the minuses. It is a breath prayer that is repeated over and over when you find yourself entertaining your minuses. When you repeat these good things and believe them, you can start making major changes. “I am beautiful, loving, caring, and intellectual.” “I am courageous, committed, generous, and passionate.” "Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, I get stronger and more resilient." “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the plane takes off against the wind, not with it.” —Henry Ford Consider just how extraordinary you are. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #staypositive #keeptalking #mantras #leadershipcoaching #jimrohn #froginapot #mentorship #resilience #communicationiskey

I think we have all been there, our son, daughter, or someone we care about comes to us and says, “I am not smart enough!”, “I am not pretty.” “I can’t do anything right!” And before they can even get the words out, we are like, “Oh yes you are! You are the smartest young man I know!” or “You are very pretty.” “You can do it and you will!” We grab at the low-hanging fruit thinking “I got this!” and in our haste to make them feel better, we do the opposite. We invalidate their emotions and tell them they are wrong about how they feel. When someone says they are not smart, pretty, handsome, good enough, or right, it is because in their mind; they are very troubled, frustrated, or may even have a logical example that backs up their statement. They are not wanting to be changed. They are expressing what they feel now and reaching out for connection. I had always assumed they needed me to step in and make it right. Not so, they are wanting to be heard, understood, and do not want to be told what to do. They are needing to hear their voice. They are attempting to reduce anxiety and stress by talking it out. What I choose in this situation goes a long way to determine who they are, how they see themselves, and what direction things will go. The more they can talk about what is going on inside, the better they begin to understand themselves. Ask gently curious questions to help them. "How long have you been thinking this way?" "What else can you tell me about this?" "What do you need from me?" Gently curious questions provoke them to seek and process what they are facing. We must remember that this is not the time to debate their feelings but to encourage and support them, to drill down and help them identify what they are experiencing. After the conversation has ended, I suggest waiting a minimum of two hours, then going to them and asking a question like, “Remember when you said you were not handsome, would it be okay if I did not agree with that?” Letting time pass fosters connection; now they can hear what they could not hear earlier, which will very likely dispel some of the anxiety they experienced. I have to remind myself; that safe listening, ‘gently curious’ questions and time are keys to helping others alleviate anxiousness, allowing them to hear who they are. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #guardyourheart #takecontrolofyourlife #counselingworks #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #personaldevelopment #changeyourmindset #inspirationalwords #selfawarenessispower #communicationiskey #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #anxietyrelief #anxietyisreal

You are in a classroom where students are working on a group project. The deadline is approaching, but they are far from finishing and the teacher is inquiring about their status. Immediately the students start to explain themselves, everyone starts to point fingers and the discussion goes round in circles as they try to avoid the blame and pin it on someone else. “Not MY fault” Ouch! [Blind Spot] Blame avoids culpability. Blame means I do not need to change because if you would just do things correctly, there would be no problem. (By the way, I determine what is correct) [Blind Spot] When something goes wrong, it can be tempting to self-protect and blame somebody else. The situation suffers if everyone is more concerned with assigning blame than finding a solution. Laying blame leads to toxic relationships as people turn against each other and attack one another. Benjamin Franklin stated, “Blame-all and Praise-all are two blockheads." [Blind Spot] Blame is fascinating, you can see how it shapes our lives as an amicable way of positioning ourselves, a gentle spar or wisecrack. Blame is a shame monster. It will break apart marriages and wreck relationships. Continuous blame is a form of bullying and bullying produces shame which is a confidence thief. Blame immobilizes social programs; desecrates corporations; can unseat and overthrow governments; start conflicts and justify murderous acts on humanity. It offers no solutions. It’s a trap. A blind alley. Though blaming is common and natural, we must learn not to trade in it. There is no finer source of joy than being present, taking responsibility for things that are not working well, and finding opportunities and solutions with others. Is blame a blind spot for you? Perhaps it might be healthy to ask the ones closest to you. Avoiding the trap of blaming, improves your emotional maturity, quality of life, and effectiveness. Responsibility is the art of leaders! Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #guardyourheart #takecontrolofyourlife #counselingworks #workculture #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #personaldevelopment #changeyourmindset #inspirationalwords #selfawarenessispower #communicationiskey #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #balancedlifestyle #buildabetterfuture