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Shame is a deadly feeling or emotion that cripples interpersonal and external relationships. Shame highlights the weak points within. It can be a convenient source of defensiveness as we read on Monday. Shame is what is handed to us by others. Their denigrating comments, or gestures are the source of shame, as are being teased, ridiculed, or put down. It's difficult to accept or understand if you don't experience it, just like so many other emotions. It is likely to hear the comment, “Just get over it, it is not that bad.” Oh, how I wish that would be the answer. Shame cripples the inner self as well as relationships. My first four years of schooling were in a two-room schoolhouse in Tankersley, Texas. It was a small rural school. The first, second and third grades were in one room and the fourth, fifth and sixth were in the other. The West Texas Boy's Ranch was a major source of students. This was a ranch for boys who suffered from family violence or were unable to be a part of their family for various reasons. This concept scared me because I was very dependent on my mom and dad, and I couldn’t imagine living away from them. Man, these boys were rough and tough and to a frail boy like me, it was frightening. They bullied and teased me until emotional survival became paramount in my life. I learned to avoid, wheedle, please, and do whatever was necessary to exist in that environment. I certainly do not blame anyone for the experience, it was just life for me at that time and perhaps I did learn some skills that have helped me over the years. It did cause me to have empathy for these boys, yet it was empathy from afar. When I changed schools, the school was so big it had three fifth grade classes! This put me into another situation that was difficult because these kids were much more affluent and much brighter than I. My desire to be accepted failed due to me trying to cover my shame by being a bit grandiose. I was the only one that didn’t see through it and when I finally did it produced more shame. So, I struggled with not being enough for many years. Again, this is not blaming my past but exposing it, looking to the future and what’s next. How do I get rid of this ingrained negative thought pattern of feeling unworthy? Recognizing and looking for ways of dealing with shame has been the way out for me. Self-talk, identifying the negative story I am telling myself, then acting as if it was true has made me aware of my contribution to self-induced unworthiness. Today I tell myself positive stories as if they are true and it lifts my spirit. Some of the blind spots I have struggled with in my relationships have been anger, defensiveness, rationalization, and turning situations around so that I am not the problem, among other outward behaviors that have pushed others away over the years. Ouch, what a disaster I unknowingly created. Thank God I had the courage to persist until I succeeded. Shame is a toxin that contributes to the demise of relationships. If you're not familiar with it, I recommend doing some research on it. If you suffer from shame, seek professional help to deal with it in a healthy way. This is not a solution for dealing with shame, but rather an opportunity to examine how it contributes to unhealthy relationships. Does shame permeate your relationships? It is a major source of problems in relationships. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #Shame #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

Last week I relayed the story about Ralph and Robin having difficulty expressing themselves in a way that the other could understand and appreciate. Hearing what could be construed as a complaint or fault from the one you love can stimulate the feeling of defensiveness. I see that it can be challenging to identify or acknowledge defensiveness in some circumstances because doing so requires admitting you are wrong or the need for change. The level of defensiveness is related to feelings of self-worth. If I feel unworthy, put down, criticized, or demeaned in any manner and my self-worth is very low, I will react in a very unpleasant way to attempt to overcome the wretched feelings of self-doubt. If I am feeling good about myself, goodness becomes a shield impervious to words of harm. When faced with the prospect of vehemently defending myself, I resort to defensiveness. But what am I protecting? Is it my dignity, pride, or desire to appear favorable? Regardless of the answer, defensiveness works to ward off unwanted negative feelings. I want to disown what I might have done. I may not want to admit irresponsible acts or behaviors that hurt another. Seeing myself as a failure may not be a place I can go. So, it is easier to start a conversation that shifts responsibility to the other and turn it around on them. Attacking the other is an attempt to change the culpability from the person feeling like a victim. If I can get the conversation turned to you, then I am out of the spotlight and don’t have to experience the shame or guilt that damages my self-worth. But in this situation, anger fueled by a loss of self-worth results and the discussion is ended. The results of this kind of conversation also depends on the anger level. It leads to more fractures and unfinished business, which is then added to the already bubbling cauldron of similar discussions and is used as fuel for future arguments. The higher the anger level, the worse the fracture. If defensiveness is the result of poor self-esteem, how is that overcome? The explanation seems easy, but the change is difficult. Again, it depends on the level of unworthiness. The first step may be to acknowledge that there is a problem with unworthiness. It is beneficial to practice saying and hearing good and positive things. Stopping the negative self-talk that keeps this circle in motion often yields fantastic results. This is not a cure for defensiveness. It is an idea, to bring it to the surface, to help identify a blind spot in relationships. Defensiveness can be overcome with conscious determination, acceptance, and strategic intentional focus. Can you accept defensiveness as a possible irritant in your unhealthy relationships? What an unlikely topic—defensiveness! Yet it is one of the hidden and most deadly issues in relationships. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #defensiveness #defensive #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

Last week I was listening to Ralph and Robin again. Robin was going over a list of grievances. She reported: You get angry. I don't feel connected. I sense you are intolerant. You say negative things about my family. You treat neighbors and strangers better than me. Each of these grievances was listed separately, and each was met with resistance, "I wouldn't do these things if you didn't blank blank blank." Wow, what a disconnect. Robin wanted to connect with Ralph by sharing information that she believed would bring them closer together. Maybe it's the way she delivered it, or the way it was received. It doesn't matter. The truth is that the conversation ended with more distance between them. Years ago, hearing negative feedback about myself felt like an attack. It felt like I was unworthy, blemished, or damaged somehow. I felt the need to rationalize my behavior so that I wouldn't look bad. I needed to point out my good habits and behaviors and not look at what was causing the other to pull away. I could not comprehend this at the time. Now it is so blatant when I witness it. You have heard me say, "Perceived complaints can be compliments in disguise." It’s what I didn’t hear you say. I saw this list of grievances as a method to remove barriers in the relationship. This is where communication fails too frequently, and if it does, it is the message sender's responsibility to convey it. If it fails, other means are necessary, and by other means I do not mean repeating the same thing louder. I could say that again. Knowing the desired results can be a starter. Stating to the other the purpose and desired outcome of the conversation can be a fresh and meaningful beginning. It also allows the sender to be more strategic in their delivery. Writing a letter may be another means of getting the message across. Getting some coaching or counseling can help. It is sad to witness the blind spots we all have in our relationships. Using gentle and curious questions rather than automatic defensiveness is the real key. How come you're telling me this? Could you help me understand? What else do you need from me? These questions can open a robust dialogue in building healthy communications. It is so easy when feeling attacked or condemned to want to defend or attack back. It is our natural response. When confronted with perceived negative feedback, the emotionally mature response is to exercise self-control and seek understanding. Monday, I will talk about the need for defensiveness. Are you presently presenting as defensive in these types of conversations? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

I was speaking to a good friend the other day about being a guardian, not some judge or holier-than-thou kind of person. Subsequent to his chat, I was reminded of the following stories. I was in Houston traffic a while back. Some people stand on the street corner and ask for money, known as panhandlers. They get contributions and rebukes. Some are called winos who want money for alcohol. Others are seen as the down and out of society and resort to pleading. Most are more ignored than helped. I saw an interesting scene play out beside me. At a red light, a panhandler approached the car next to me, and the man yelled at the panhandler, "Why don't you go to work, you lazy bum." The gentleman retorted, "I don't want to be on this corner. This is my first step for me to getting better." The panhandler stood his ground and taught a great lesson to all who witnessed it. Wow! It was a revelation. The man was brave enough to be vulnerable by panhandling in order to start a new life. It was his first step toward betterment. All around me, I see inefficient, unproductive, and wasteful actions and behaviors. It is simple to pass judgment and even to criticize them silently. Although I feel negatively affected by this, it comes as a natural reaction. I let their actions ruin my mood if they are not doing life or handling things as well as I believe they ought to. What if, instead of judging and condemning these 'less than individuals' in my eyes, I decided to be their guardian? I could take action to help, safeguard, and mentor them. This action is not to be their hero, but to help from a afar. A friend of mine was in a long grocery line, and the person ahead of him watched every item rung up. He was quick to challenge prices and disinterested in getting out his money or card until the final bill appeared. He reached for his wallet and fumbled it open, only to see he was short a few coins. The bill was about $22. As he searched all his pockets, my friend heard a quiet voice saying, "Swipe your card." Without hesitation, my friend just paid the old gentleman's grocery bill. The older man was so grateful. Everyone in line, who was mumbling for him to hurry, seemed to be touched by my friend's generosity. What a great example of being a guardian to some unsuspecting person who may be doing their best but not to our standards. After all, he was doing his best. I will never forget this story. Another good friend carried a few loose dollar bills and cans of soup to pass out to these strangers who needed a guardian. His idea was that if the person used it for alcohol or food, it was their choice. It was their benefit or burden. This is just another example of guardianship. Now when I see a person digging in their pocket or purse, will I give them the stink eye, or will I become their guardian? Can I give a friendly smile or comment? What will that cost me? I prefer to give away kindness than doom and gloom or judgment. I must be vigilant, or I will fall back into old patterns. How about you? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

Robin and Ralph had been married for some time. This evening Robin meets him at the door with, “Why didn't you call? Why didn't you let me know when you left to come home? You never keep me informed about what you are doing. You don't have a problem communicating with your buddies.” Wow. What a conversation. It sounds like a plateful of complaints—didn't call, didn't let me know, never keep me informed. You can tell your buddies, but not me. These kinds of comments can feel legitimate because she feels anxious and left out. Not knowing can be anxiety-producing. I have found something I call, “listening beneath the words.” It is looking for the origin of the statement or question. Why didn't you call can be seen as I was worried about you. I wanted to know if you're OK. I wanted to hear your voice. I was missing you. I was afraid something was wrong. You can hear these “compliments” beneath the original words if you stretch your thinking. Conversely, the conversation can begin with, “Oh, there you are. I was worried about you. I was missing you. I wanted to hear your voice and know you're OK.” Following my thinking here, this is another way to stretch your thinking. It is easy to feel angst and display anxiousness in conversation instead of being calm, focused, and intellectual. It takes slowing things down and being intentional about what is happening. To be more effective in communication, you must know your emotional state and act accordingly. Are you more emotional than intellectual? What do you want to happen here and now? Do you want to attract or repel? We sometimes allow our emotions to present the opposite when we want to attract. I call it “blurting”, when I talk before I know how I want the conversation to end. Slowing down your thinking and need to speak and asking what you want or how you want this conversation to end can be extremely productive. This is being intentional about relationship building. When you take a moment to reflect on what you want and how you need to show up to attain it, it can help you build relationships. Do you want to attract or repel people? It is your choice. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #gratitude #happiness #complaints #compliments

What is the secret to advancing at work or building a better family? It is easy to spot the things others are doing wrong and impede my success at home or on the job. I hear these questions or comments related to work, "Why do they do it that way? Why don't they include me more?" My suggestions are ignored. I am disregarded while things are going well, but I am constantly involved when things derail. In families', similar questions are asked, "Why do they argue so much? Why do they not listen, or do I have to raise my voice to be heard or say the same thing ten times? Why do I remind them about chores, homework, manners, and our family's everyday things?" I love Jim Rohn's quote, "You must work harder on yourself than on your job." When I play the victim at work, I come across as weak and more problematic than contributing. Whining and living in the negative identifies me as a weak team player. Ineffective or inadequate contributors negatively influence the strength of a team. It is the leaders' job to identify and correct these employees. Can you hear this? If correction is difficult or impossible, the team and company will limp along carrying the low producers. The more I work on myself at work, the better things go for me. Where did you learn to be in a relationship? Is that working? If it is, keep it up. If it's not, where can you find relationship education? Where did you learn to parent? Is that working? If so, keep it up. If not, how do you get more training and education to make it better? We spend so much time educating ourselves in our work roles and little time in family or team roles. Some of the greats I listen to report they spend 10% of their income on training. Wow, that sounds like a lot. It is not just education for work but to improve social, work teams, and family success. My investment in my training has been invaluable. The more I concentrate on people I can't change, the more helpless and ineffective I become. The more I focus on what I can do, the more hopeful, optimistic, and productive I become in all areas of my life. How are you doing with your continued education for life in general? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #selfdevelopment #selfempowerment #selfcare #jimrohn #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

Is it survival or just a discussion? Robin and Ralph are discussing the delicate subject of budget. It is usually a hot topic for them, and this time is no different. As the conversation continues, emotions begin to flare. What will happen here? Will it end in anger or disappointment? When you are in a tense situation trying to defend your position and start to feel yourself losing ground, it is easy to get loud, stand up, and present yourself as powerfully as possible. You talk over others and correct their point of view. If they push back, you try to prove to them you are right. The more anxious the conversation becomes; the worse things will get. In situations of high stress, fear, or distrust, the 'executive functions’ that help you with advanced thought processes, like strategy, trust building, and compassion, shut down. The 'reptilian brain' takes over to protect itself—in cases of shame and loss of power associated with being wrong, we default to one of these responses: fight (engage), flight (escape), freeze (disengage). The fight, flight or freeze response is the body's built-in response mechanism whenever anxiety-provoking situations present themselves. It has to do with survival. I was conditioned to resort to fighting. If someone had told me that I was out of control under these circumstances, I would have gotten angry with them and argued that was not the case. If you did not respond to my satisfaction, I would act as though you did not hear me and repeat the same thing even louder. [BLIND SPOT] At the end of the day, all I can do is change my reaction, response, and behavior to de-escalate the situation. Picture yourself in the situation described earlier with Robin and Ralph. How would you want to handle it today? Keep looking for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #reptilianbrain #survivalmode #fightflightfreeze #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Where is my thinking? It is easy to get caught up in today’s news. The world, government, politics, and polarization on these important topics can poison us and push us toward negative thinking. Who are the bad guys today? What are they doing to cause my clan aggravation? It is easy for us to put our 2 cents in and contribute to the problems, justifying our position by stirring up chaos but not contributing to any solutions or contributions to create opportunities for connection. When I blame, I do not need to change. It is the other at fault and not me. The struggle here is that I cannot change the other, so I am stuck unless I look at changing myself to see if I can influence a situation and make it better. My thinking rules my day, my mood, and my relationships. Am I a victim, or am I responsible for what I am thinking? What do I feed my mind? Is it wholesome, healthy stuff, or is it toxic? I was talking to a mom and her 17-year-old son. Mom was concerned about his mild depression, and he was worried about his next steps in life. He was about to graduate, go to college and had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years. Both had legitimate concerns that were weighing down their thinking. The circumstances were not going to change, but what they were feeding their brain could. As we looked at their situation, we decided that they could look for uplifting things in life. We began to talk about examples they could use. Mom talked about their dog, who could sense her son’s low mood and would come over and nose him or lay at his feet. He talked about just the two of them going to get ice cream together. Mom talked about him helping the elderly neighbor last weekend. They spoke about the time they were looking at old pictures and taking a wonderful trip down memory lane. The idea evolved that they would work together, and each day identify a wonderful uplifting gift of God. It might be a sunset or some act of kindness or love they witnessed. It might be one of the acts of their fantastic dog. Mom had given him a journal for Christmas, and they decided to make his journal their gratitude journal. Each evening they would both contribute at least one gift from God that was eventful and memorable. This process would go on for one month, and then they would reassess to see if it was bringing in fresh thoughts that were replacing some negatives. Time will tell if this works but I sure like the idea. Where is your thinking? Can you see how what we feed our brains runs our life? I will be looking for the good stuff, not the toxic. What will you choose to fill your incredible mind? After all, it is your choice. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

What story am I telling myself about a situation or grievance? We are great at telling stories to ourselves. I can write novels when I'm worried, feel threatened or feel out of control. I can spin myself up telling stories, especially when I don't share them with others. When I am telling myself stories, it is next to impossible for someone to be able to know my story unless I share it with them. If I don't tell them, it is easy for them to misinterpret my mood or attitude. I talk to many couples who are telling themselves stories and not sharing them with the other. Often, I ask the question when one is looking perplexed, sad, or troubled, "What story are you telling yourself?" Generally, the first time I asked that question, the answer I hear is, "what story?" It is easy to not recognize that we are telling ourselves a story and acting as if the story we are telling is true. If I am irritated about something with another and do not tell them, there is no way to calm my anxiety. They may assume something else is going on, and now we are not about to connect. The ‘assumption’ is the root of so many couple or work relationship issues. It is easy not to recognize the story we tell ourselves because it is so natural to have conversations in our minds that we don't share. It's like telling a fish they're in water. Telling our story is a significant part of healthy communication. Telling makes our relationships rich and whole, understanding and connecting. I'm in trouble when I assume I know what another is thinking. When I ask, I am enlightened. If I think someone is upset or angry with me, I might tell myself that story and act as though my story is true. They could be feeling ill, troubled, or thinking about something they haven't shared with me that has nothing to do with me. Check it out. It deserves clarification. Otherwise, I'm acting or reacting and showing up in a mood or attitude that doesn't fit the script. Misreading or misinterpreting someone's mood or attitude is easy when I am not asking the question. I've seen emotional and physical distance because someone thinks they know what the other has going on in their mind. [Blind Spot] This distance can happen in families or can occur in the professional world. It is essential, for healthy communication, that one is aware of the other's thinking. It's easy to overlook this critical part of communication. If it's not recognized, it will cause tremendous misunderstanding. I was talking to a young man who needed help with his work team and his boss. There was a considerable amount of turmoil and frustration going on in their team. The young man was taking the boss's frustration and attitude out on himself, thinking the boss was upset with him because the project was not going well. (Notice what story he was telling himself) This caused the young man to feel bad about his contribution to the team. The morale of the team was deteriorating. This experience went on with the young man for over a week when he contacted me, and we set up a meeting with his boss. During the discussion, the boss indicated that he was upset with himself because the project was not going well. (Notice what story the boss was telling himself) He did not realize that the young man and others on the team were feeling bad and blaming themselves because the project was off the rails. When the boss could tell the story he was telling himself, it quickly reduced the team's anxiety. The boss's story was, "I'm not a good boss, and the results prove it. I'm afraid this will reflect on my performance." Once they shared their stories, it brought understanding and productivity back to the team. This situation is typical. It illustrates what happens when we attempt to read each other's minds and don't share what is going on with each other. I love to ask these questions: What are we not talking about that we need to be talking about? What story are you telling yourself about this situation? Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. Get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #untoldstories #storytellers #storiesmatter #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration

Too many times, I hear the words, “I have given until I can give no more. My relationship has evolved into a one-way street. I can no longer do this. I want out.” Ouch! These words come from generous people who enjoy giving and making others “happy”, but it is easy to lose sight of who is in charge of our happiness. You are headed down a long road of disappointment if you make yourself responsible for other people's happiness. It is wonderful to be around people who are true givers. These are folks who are emotionally mature. In order to avoid becoming emotionally entangled with others, they can gauge their own mood as well as the mood of others. True giving comes from the heart and soul, it is paying it forward or giving when others have no idea where it came from. Giving to make others happy, on the other hand, can lead to bitterness and resentment. “After all I have done for you…and you treat me this way.” I've seen givers “give out” and say, "I can't go any further," and then be told, "What's wrong, you used to do all these great things, and now you're going to stop?" This sometimes causes the giver to reach even deeper to find more energy to continue giving, only to be disappointed later. It’s a fine line to walk, knowing when giving out of abundance becomes giving out of poverty or deficit. There must be a method for replenishing and refueling givers, because if they don’t, they give out. If givers do not learn to teach others to give back, they will leave. It's not about giving in equal amounts, but rather about giving back in a way that keeps the “giving dynamic” going. There is no set time frame for giving out. Givers can give out right away or I have seen it take decades. The longer this deficit continues, the more difficult it is for positive change to happen. Becoming resentful, discouraged, distant, or feeling taken advantage of are just a few of the clues that you may be giving too much. And Parents, giving too much can stifle a child's development. The line is thin, and every child is different, but knowing when you're helping or hurting out of giving is important. Giving feels wonderful but sometimes givers find it difficult to receive. Failure to allow someone to give back not only robs them of that good feeling, but also teaches them that you do not want to be a receiver. Giving and receiving in relationships is the cement that keeps relationships healthy. Elizabeth Gilbert said she will never stop being a giver but, “…as much as humanly possible these days, I try not to give anymore until it hurts. Instead, I only give until it helps.” If you are a giver, are you getting replenished? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #gratitude #happiness

How will it end? I like to read my friend's letters when they are giving an account of the past year. It is wonderful to see what they accomplished, where they have been, and all the things that they celebrated. What if you write your 2023 letter recap this week. What?! You might say…go to the end of December '23 and look back in your mind and write the future?! Seems out of place, out of your normal rhythm. But I believe it has the potential to be fun, inspiring, and impactful. Sure, it can be both difficult and exciting to start today and write your story as if you've already gotten to your destination. Think about your goals, dreams, and desires for 2023? This requires you to imagine yourself in late December 2023, looking back on the year to see what you've accomplished. Many years ago, I was the head of a committee that was commissioned to be active for one year. At the first meeting I challenged each member to write a letter. It was to say what they had contributed to the challenges ahead. At the final meeting of the year, these individually sealed messages were to be opened and read aloud. This letter was not to put members on the spot, but to challenge them to stay on top of their commitments. Wow, it kept us on our toes all year long. While some were quite proud of their forecast, others felt a little embarrassed. We all work in context of annual goals, a 12-month execution cycle. In January, we believe we have plenty of time to complete our tasks; similarly, in March, May, and August. Then, October arrives, and we feel the pinch and get extremely motivated to accomplish our tasks because YIKES it’s the end of the year. In the book, 12 Week Year by P. Morgan and Michael Lennington, they redefine your “year” to be 12 weeks long. In 12 weeks, there just isn’t enough time to get complacent, and urgency increases and intensifies. The 12 Week Year creates focus and clarity on what matters most. If we have short term goals and objectives, they come due sooner and procrastination gets challenged earlier, more of the important stuff gets done and the impact on results is profound. Have you ever heard this statement. “If I don't know where I'm going the world will tell me.” Will I be propelled by my own movement and rudder, or will I drift down life’s stream like a wandering stick? I'm dedicated to achieving my goals. I want to put my desires in writing and make them a reality. I want my rudder to lead me toward a predetermined destination, and my courage and zeal to serve as my driving force as I advance. I want to avoid getting caught in the perilous eddies of life and being thrown off course. I love the question, “what or how many by when?” It is a specific challenge that motivates me to look ahead with a strategic and intentional approach. Not only do I want to accomplish something, but I also want to do it on a specific date. I like the idea of living in the present moment and anticipating what lies ahead in life. They work in harmony, in my opinion. That’s how I see their connection, which is what makes my life work. How will your 2023 end? Go on write your letter now and put it in an envelope and look forward to reading it at the end of the year. Are you up for the challenge? Let’s refuse to let the year get away from us. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #newyear2023 #future

Oh, the trap of starting New Year's resolutions. It can be a setup for failure. They once were more popular. I can recall the time they were truly important and exciting in my younger years. Among the most popular New Year's resolutions are lose weight, exercise, earn/save more money, improve diet, read more books, take better care of oneself, have a happy attitude, and many other things. Looking forward to a new year with a fresh start can make it more exhilarating and revitalizing. It has been my previous experience that if I stay focused on all my resolutions for more than 2 to 3 weeks that I have exceeded my previous attempts. New Year's resolutions are exciting to begin with, but then they lose their luster as the excitement wears off. Change is hard. Breaking old habits and establishing new ones can be exhausting but even today I still like the idea of starting new resolutions. Wow, this is a lot, but I am inspired and ready to run fresh out of the starting gate to take on this new year, 2023, in fine fashion. I have found if I look at just two or three things that are important to me to accomplish over the next three to four months, I can quantify them into an attainable goal. This keeps me from the trap of becoming discouraged because I do not see results quickly. For me success comes by changing a few small actions or behaviors daily instead of giant steps. These small changes help create new habits. And a change of habit is the consequence of small and deliberate actions or behavior changes that are quite simple to implement and to track my results. Look at the following objectives. OBJECTIVE: To lose weight I need to change my eating habits. In order to do this, I will stop eating lunch in a restaurant and begin taking a healthy lunch to eat at work. Now I monitor this by counting the number of days that I take my lunch. With an objective of five days, I can see how I ended the week. I may not see any weight change, but I am working on a method that will cause it to happen. I experience daily success even though I might not have lost 1 pound. OBJECTIVE: To read more books, I need to change my reading habits. I need to identify how many pages I need to read per week, then break those pages down into daily quotas and track my progress. You can see how this works over time. Remember I am working on a method that will cause it to happen. Slow and resolute wins the race. Because it can take weeks to start seeing the results of the goals I want to attain. But if I will continue taking small steps and monitor them, I will see the wins and I win weekly when I tally up my results and compare them to my objective. To help me track my progress, I use the weekly display, which enables me to examine and assess how I am progressing toward my target on a daily and weekly basis. You can get your weekly display form by clicking the link jerrydclark.com/weeklydisplay to download. For both me and others, this is an incredibly motivating and helpful exercise. There is fruit in establishing resolutions. Are your resolutions resolute? Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. Get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #newyear2023 #newyear #newyearseve #newyearseve2023 #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration