Why?

The why question is powerful, but it can also be problematic. I’ve learned that sometimes when I ask why in relationships, what I need is to make a statement instead.

To the person hearing, why can feel caustic or accusatory, almost like saying, “Prove it, and I bet you can’t.” That can trigger defensiveness and turn the conversation into an argument.

For example, these questions often land poorly:

• Why are you so loud?

• Why are you late?

  
  

• Why are you talking to me in that tone of voice?

  
  
  
  

Instead, I can turn them into statements that express my own feelings or needs:

• Please don’t be loud.

  
  

• I was worried about you and wanted to hear your voice.
  

• I’m feeling afraid.

  
  
  
  

Self-statements change the message. They let the other person hear my concern rather than my criticism. They create connections instead of distance.

When I’m anxious, I’m more likely to use why. Anxiety can push my emotions ahead of my intellect, leading me to say or do things I later regret.

There are also why questions that have no satisfying answer:

• Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?

  
  

• Why are they driving so slowly, or so crazy?

  
  

• Why does it rain all the time?

  
  
  
  

When there’s no answer, it just fuels frustration. That’s where I’ve learned how to replace why with what and how. I can’t change the circumstances or situation, so I ask what and how questions.

• What can I do now, given the situation?

  
  

• How do I need to respond?

  
  

• What do I need to do now to stay in control of myself?

  
  

• How can I create something good about this frustrating situation?

  
  

If someone is driving erratically, the why question won’t help. But I can decide what to do: slow down, change lanes, or give them space. I can ask how to stay safe.

Even if I discover why, I still must choose what and how to respond. That’s where progress lives.

Watch for the blind spots.

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