Blind Spot: What People Are Really Saying
After years of counseling, I have learned that the problems people bring are seldom as simple as they appear. The angry husband may fear his marriage is slipping away. The quiet wife may have stopped talking because every conversation becomes an argument. The defiant teenager may be carrying anxiety he cannot explain.
These are blended examples, not any one person's story. They remind me that behavior is usually only the part of the story I can see.
I once worked with a couple who believed their problem was poor communication. He thought she criticized everything he did. She believed he never listened. Eventually, they discovered something deeper. He heard criticism because he feared failure. She repeated herself because she feared being ignored. Neither one was trying to hurt the other. Both were trying to protect themselves.
When they stopped asking, “Who is wrong?” and began asking, “What is happening between us?” the conversation changed. Anxiety came down, curiosity came up, and both became easier to hear.
Here is what counseling has taught me.
People often need understanding before they can accept correction. Judgment makes them defend themselves. Curiosity helps them examine themselves. When I look beyond the behavior and gently ask what might be underneath it, I discover pain, fear, or a story that deserves to be heard.
Watch for the blind spots.
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