Blind Spots: Family Triangles
- Jerry Clark
- 1 day ago
- 1 min read
If I could eliminate one pattern from every struggling family, it would be triangulation.
Triangulation happens when two people are in conflict but pull a third person, usually a child, into the emotional crossfire. Instead of communicating directly, they triangulate for comfort, validation, or power.
A classic example is when one parent becomes harsh, and the other compensates by becoming overly lenient. The child quickly learns to run to the “softer” parent, and now the parental team is divided. Instead of conflict resolution, the family gets alliances, coalitions, and quiet resentment.
Triangulation feels harmless in the moment, but it damages the family long-term.
It teaches children that relationships happen through other people, not with them. It creates anxiety, secrecy, and confusion.And it erodes the parental partnership that children desperately need to feel safe.
Healthy families shift from triangles to straight lines. One-to-one conversations are where problems are addressed directly. When couples stand side by side, children feel grounded. When parents stand against each other, children feel responsible for the household’s emotional stability.
One of the most powerful techniques I teach is the “stand beside” method: When one parent is getting too harsh or too lenient, the other calmly walks into the room and simply stands next to them, unified in presence, silent in judgment. The energy shifts instantly.
Kids thrive when parents form a team, not triangles.
Watch for the blind spots.
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**Share this if you know someone who could use the help discovering blind spots in their relationships.
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