Breakthroughs

Have you ever been in a frustrating relationship where the other person didn’t understand your reasoning?

I certainly have. And more than once, I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that if they would change, things would get better. I knew exactly what they should do to fix the problem. But the more I tried to convince them, the more they resisted. I would think, “What is wrong with them?” Maybe they were stubborn. Perhaps they didn’t listen. Whatever it was, I would exhaust myself trying to get them to see things my way.

Looking back, I realize how blind I was to my role in the conflict. I was a one-trick pony, wanting it my way, convinced that if I could persuade them, we would have peace. But pushing others rarely works. It often makes things worse.

That was one of my blind spots.

Now I can see this pattern so clearly in others, arguing about things that don’t matter while the real issue stays hidden. The elephant in the room is usually old resentments, unresolved hurts, or something that hasn’t been named or healed.

So, what is the answer?

It’s not out there, it’s with the person we see in the mirror. I’m the one who needs to change first. When I try to “win” by overpowering or outarguing the other, I usually end up losing and causing them to lose also.

But when I shift my focus from trying to fix them to asking, “What can I do differently?”, everything begins to change.

The real power comes from choosing a win-win approach.

I recently sat with a couple who were in conflict. But when they paused to name what they appreciated about each other, their entire energy changed. They smiled. They relaxed. The tension eased. Appreciation helped them reconnect.

Anyone can interrupt conflict by showing appreciation, listening deeply, praying out loud or simply being willing to see their part.

It’s not the typical response in a heated moment, but it works. Be different. Take the lead.

Watch for the blind spots.

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