Change Orbits

I've noticed that when something isn't working in a relationship, my instinct is to repeat the same behavior, maybe louder and with more emphasis, hoping for a better result. But doing the same thing over and over creates a predictable pattern. I speak; they react. They speak; I shut down. Round and round we go in the same emotional orbit.

This orbit becomes familiar, even when it's frustrating. And over time, it drains connection and deepens resentment.

I've learned that when I become aware that the pattern isn't working, I've a choice. I can try something different. I call this changing my orbit.

That might mean I stay calm instead of escalating the situation. Or I speak up kindly instead of withdrawing. It might mean I stop trying to win and start listening. This new approach can feel unnatural at first, both to me and the other person. And sometimes, they'll resist it. They may try to pull the relationship back into the old orbit because it feels safer.

However, if I want a new outcome, I must stay the course.

Real change only comes with consistency. When I hold to the new path — calm, curious, and clear — I start to notice something: the tension begins to drop. Defensiveness softens. Honest connection becomes possible.

Sometimes, a slight shift, such as writing instead of arguing face-to-face, can reduce anxiety and allow logic to return. (I often ask couples to keep a notebook handy to write their point of view for the other to read, which slows the communications down and reduces anxiety.) At other times, it's simply refusing to be baited into the same old argument.

The truth is, changing orbits takes courage. But sustained change is what creates healthier relationships, built on safety, respect, and growth.

No, it's not easy. But it is worth it.

I'm learning to recognize what isn't working and to act intentionally, rather than habitually. When I do, I give myself and others the chance to create something better, one new orbit at a time.

Watch for the blind spots.

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