Defending

After reading my post on blame, a friend asked me to tackle the topic of defensiveness. She wrote, “While reading about blame, I imagined addressing the issue with someone, but they might get very defensive, and bringing a blind spot to their attention might go awry. If someone pointed out my blind spot, I might have a knee‑jerk reaction of defensiveness.” Her question highlights a real dilemma: how do you help someone see a blind spot without triggering that automatic defensive response?

Blind spots are habitual words or actions that push others away before we realize what we’ve done. Pointing them out can feel like an attack, activating the brain’s fight‑or‑flight response. Statements that begin with “you,” such as “You’re controlling,” tend to ignite feelings of blame and shut down open communication.

There is, however, a gentler approach. Begin by replacing “you” statements with “I” statements expressing your experience. For example, say, “I feel pushed away when this happens,” or “I want us to feel safe together,” instead of “You never listen.” Next, frame the conversation as a shared dilemma: “I’m in a bind—if I tell you I’m hurt, I worry I’ll upset you; if I stay silent, I’ll feel even more hurt later. Could we talk this through together?” This phrasing invites collaboration rather than blame, creating a shared problem to solve. Throughout, listen actively and remain calm, even if defensiveness flares. Pause rather than argue and rephrase your words until the other person feels heard and safe.

Cultivating emotional maturity is key. That means recognizing and managing your emotions while tuning in to the other person’s feelings and responding with genuine empathy. Choose the right moment, ensure privacy, and maintain a respectful tone. If attempts to address blind spots persist or spiral, consider enlisting a neutral third party, such as a counselor, to guide the dialogue productively.

Although it can be challenging, addressing blind spots is worth the effort. It builds closeness rather than distance, creating an atmosphere of safety and respect where both people can grow. You open a path to stronger connection and deeper understanding by offering empathy, respect, and curiosity.

Watch for the blind spots.

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