It is very evident to me how easily I become defensive when I am told something negative about myself. I spent many of my earlier years denying or refuting words that I felt might cause me to look bad. I wanted to rationalize, minimize, or justify pejorative words, especially from anyone important in my life.
I see this playing out in my office on a daily basis. One person makes a negative comment and the other rushes to defend or attack. This is a major blind spot that permeates relationships causing destruction and separateness. It is cultural to defend negative comments making it even more of a blind spot.
If someone perceives me as offensive in any manner and I don’t attempt to rectify it, I will continue to push them away. Pointing out negative things in each other can be complementary. Yes, you read that correctly. To identify negative actions or behaviors of others can cause change that allows closeness rather than distance. This calls for planning and consideration. If one person can bring attention to another's offensive behavior, it can benefit both parties. It is common for many people to respond negatively or with opposition to remarks made in an offensive or defensive manner.
Defensiveness or attack causes emotional reactions that leave little room for a strategic rebuttal. If I am operating out of my emotions, my intellect is poorly employed.
If there is a fear of losing a relationship, defensiveness may be a natural reaction to avoid conflict and show the other they are incorrect and therefore remain in their good graces.
Today I see no reason to be defensive when negative comments are thrown my way. It is not easy to allow them to go past me into thin air, yet it does me little good to attempt to convince someone they are wrong. When I don’t defend my position, the conversation doesn’t last. I chose to be clear, consistent, and not convincing.
How about you? Is defensiveness in your arsenal?
Watch for the blind spots.
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it. Please like, share and comment.
Get a copy of Blind Spots in Relationships. Discover the hidden behavior that could be holding you back from the relationships you desire. http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp