Fixing or Listening?
- Jerry Clark
- 18 hours ago
- 2 min read
One of the biggest blind spots I have seen in relationships is the overwhelming urge to fix people. For years, I thought helping meant solving. If someone I loved was hurting, confused, anxious, or discouraged, I immediately moved into problem-solving mode. I gave advice. I tried to make the discomfort disappear. What I did not understand at the time was that fixing often brings relief, mostly to the fixer. The other person may feel completely misunderstood. They may actually feel dismissed, unheard, or emotionally alone.
I have learned that people rarely open up because they want solutions. Most of the time, they open up because they want a connection. They want to feel known. Statements like “You will be fine,” “It is not that bad,” “Do not worry,” or “You are overreacting” may sound reassuring, but they often shut down vulnerability. They unintentionally communicate, “Your feelings make me uncomfortable.”
Listening without trying to fix requires emotional steadiness. It means slowing my pace, staying curious, and resisting the urge to take control of the conversation. I have learned to ask questions like, “How long have you felt this way?” “What is the hardest part about this?” and “Help me understand.” Something powerful happens when people feel safe enough to keep talking. Their emotions begin to settle. Their thoughts become clearer. Often, they begin discovering their own answers. Fixing is fast, but listening creates a connection. The greatest gift I can offer someone is not my solutions. It is my presence.
Watch for the blind spots.
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