I'd Rather Be Angry Than Sad

I recently spoke with a gentleman caught in a painful conflict with his wife. She was upset over something he felt was harmless, a misunderstanding, in his view, with no malicious intent. But when she confronted him, he exploded. His anger was sharp, relentless, and justified in his mind. He believed she had lied, and no matter how she explained, he wouldn't listen. He needed to be right.

When he called me afterward, he was still furious. I listened as he repeated the story, still convinced of betrayal. But beneath his fury, I could hear something else: pain. And when we revisited the conversation the next day, the storm had settled enough for him to admit that maybe he had misunderstood her.

But sadness? That was still off-limits.

He shared that the argument stirred memories of his father, memories rooted in rejection and emotional pain. As a teenager, sadness had no place. Crying was a weakness. Anger, on the other hand, gave him power. It let him strike out rather than feel struck. Sadness made him feel vulnerable; anger made him feel strong.

That's when we discussed a truth that has changed many lives, including mine: anger is a secondary emotion. It doesn't arise on its own. Deeper emotions, such as fear, hurt, shame, guilt, or sadness, fuel it. However, those emotions are often suppressed, especially when we've learned early on that they're dangerous to express.

It's easy to react to someone's anger with defensiveness or judgment. What's harder and far more healing is to pause and ask, where is the pain?

Whenever I feel anger rise in me or witness it in someone else, I now slow things down and look past the words, past the heat, and ask: What is the pain that's hiding beneath this?

More often than not, in my past, I would choose anger, not sadness.

Now, I recognize the danger of anger and want to react from the primary emotion, not the secondary one.

Watch for the blind spots.

---

Think you’ve got it all figured out? 🤔 Your blind spots might have other plans. Get copy today. 📚http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp