I recently talked to a couple who had been married for six years. They reported the luster of their relationship had faded. We discussed how when they first met, and the few years after marriage, they loved each other’s company, and now they tended to focus on each other’s blemishes that sometimes frustrate them.
I recalled a speaker who was talking about relationships and mentioned the Pareto Principle, which is a twist on the well-known 80/20 rule. It suggests that in any relationship, 80 percent of what we cherish comes from our partner’s strengths, while 20 percent comprises the flaws that might sometimes frustrate us. Over time, as relationships mature, it becomes all too easy to fixate on that 20 percent, the irritations, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection, while overlooking the abundant 80 percent that nourishes love, support, and companionship.
When a relationship declines, the negative aspects can overshadow the positives. Minor annoyances and unresolved issues tend to magnify in our minds, creating a disproportionate sense of discontent. This mental habit can lead both partners to focus on what’s missing or wrong rather than remembering the qualities that once bound them together. The Preto principle reminds us that a relationship’s value is predominantly built on the good, even if a few flaws capture our attention.
The couple shared the early years of their relationship, and they reveled in 80 percent of shared dreams, laughter, and unwavering support. Over time, however, the persistent 20 percent cast a shadow. Robin grew frustrated by his forgetfulness regarding small details, while Ralph became irritated by her tendency to overreact to minor quirks. As both began concentrating on these negative habits, the balance of their relationship shifted, and the strong foundation they once celebrated started to crumble.
This illustrates a common pitfall: when fixating on the 20 percent, the overall beauty of the connection fades away. To rejuvenate the relationship, it is crucial to consciously celebrate the 80 percent shared memories, love, and everyday acts of kindness that define true partnership.
How about you? Is your relationship declining?
Watch for the blind spots.
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