Question: Don’t Fix

I have found that when someone is hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed, they don’t need solutions; they need connection. One of the most powerful tools for creating that connection is asking gently curious questions.

These questions, especially when combined with safe listening, allow us to explore another person’s inner world without judgment or pressure. They create space for deeper understanding, both for them and for us.

An emotional person cannot hear facts. Trying to “fix” someone in distress usually backfires, raising their anxiety and triggering our own. That tension can lead to defensiveness, distance, or even arguments, exacerbating the situation.

For example, if someone says, “I’m not smart,” our instinct might be to correct them: “Of course you are!” But that can feel invalidating. Instead, a gentle, curious approach might be:

“How long have you felt that way?”

“What do your grades tell you?”

“How come you think I see you that way?”

What else are you frustrated or worried about?

Notice the difference. We’re not correcting. We’re exploring. The more an anxious person hears their own voice, the more they talk themselves down.

It’s also important to avoid leading with “why.” “Why” often sounds like a challenge: “Why are you late?” or “Why didn’t you call me back?” can trigger shame or resistance. Try instead:

“Help me understand…”

“What else can you tell me?”

“What do you need from me right now?”

Let the answers guide your next gently curious question. This is not an easy concept to learn or practice. It is counterintuitive. Don’t rush to correct or advise. Trust the process. After the emotional energy has softened, perhaps in two hours, you can revisit the topic and offer your perspective with greater impact.

Our culture, because we don’t want to see our loved ones in pain or suffering, tends to fix the anxious person. Anxious people don’t want to be fixed; they want to be rid of their anxiety.

Gently curious questions don’t just reduce anxiety, they build trust, reveal blind spots, and create the safety that makes real change possible.

Watch for the blind spots.

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