Secrets are about doing or saying things that would hurt the ones close to us and cause trust to erode. Some relationships begin with secrets and build a house of cards. Their foundation is shallow, and the opportunity for failure is great. Others start with honesty but then erode.
Ralph and Robin are celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary. Ralph has surprised Robin with a piece of expensive (for them) jewelry. She is excited and awed. When she questions Ralph about the cost, he says he has been saving for this for some time. They have had money issues in the past where secrets were associated with spending.
They enjoyed a great night out and reminisced over their relationship. They looked into the future together and dreamed about how they wanted their marriage to look in the next five years.
About a week later, Robin was paying bills and saw that one credit card looked strangely high. It was one they had agreed would only be used for emergencies. During her investigation, she saw her wedding gift appeared on this card and other unfamiliar charges. She has been furious for hours waiting for Ralph to get home. She is impatient and immediately calls him out on his lies before he even passes the threshold. He is automatically defensive and gives up a lame excuse. This is fuel for the fire, and she begins to berate him for what else he is hiding and lying about.
He (bringing up the past) asks if she has been deleting texts again. Wow, now this has become charged.
Ralph in reality was without money, but wanted to do something nice for Robin. His idea was great, but how he carried it out was dreadful.
This brings out the point of not being authentic, genuine, and honest with our close relationships and how it creates skepticism, distrust, fear, and a sense of betrayal. These four things permeate our minds and are challenging to let go.
Being caught in a lie is unpleasant and difficult to forgive or forget. We each have an opinion about what we believe lies to be.
It is easy to tell white lies, such as answering that nothing is wrong when there really is and saying things are fine when they’re really not.
A sign of emotional intelligence is acknowledging our mistakes. This encourages trust and intimacy, primarily before we get caught. It doesn’t go without producing harm, but it is much better than concealing.
Secrets cut both ways. The offended party is hurt and wounded due to the severity of the deed. Secret holders feel guilt and shame.
What about you? Do you carry the burden of secrets? What do you need to do so that new secrets are not established?
Be honest now, secrets are relationship killers.
Watch for the blind spots.
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Blind Spots in Relationships
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