BUILD A BETTER YOU
JERRY D CLARK BLOG

Ralph and Robin were in their kitchen having a discussion. Their emotions began to rise. Robin attempted to explain her point of view and was continually interrupted by Ralph. The more she felt she couldn't express herself because of his interruptions, the more anger she presented. Her demeanor hooked his anger, and the eruption of accusations, fault finding, bringing up the past, and dredging up old wounds resulted in her leaving the room with more hurt and pain than before.

Shame is a deadly feeling or emotion that cripples interpersonal and external relationships. Shame highlights the weak points within. It can be a convenient source of defensiveness as we read on Monday. Shame is what is handed to us by others. Their denigrating comments, or gestures are the source of shame, as are being teased, ridiculed, or put down. It's difficult to accept or understand if you don't experience it, just like so many other emotions. It is likely to hear the

Last week I relayed the story about Ralph and Robin having difficulty expressing themselves in a way that the other could understand and appreciate. Hearing what could be construed as a complaint or fault from the one you love can stimulate the feeling of defensiveness. I see that it can be challenging to identify or acknowledge defensiveness in some circumstances because doing so requires admitting you are wrong or the need for change. The level of defensiveness is related t

Last week I was listening to Ralph and Robin again. Robin was going over a list of grievances. She reported: You get angry. I don't feel connected. I sense you are intolerant. You say negative things about my family. You treat neighbors and strangers better than me. Each of these grievances was listed separately, and each was met with resistance, "I wouldn't do these things if you didn't blank blank blank." Wow, what a disconnect. Robin wanted to connect with Ralph by sharing

I was speaking to a good friend the other day about being a guardian, not some judge or holier-than-thou kind of person. Subsequent to his chat, I was reminded of the following stories. I was in Houston traffic a while back. Some people stand on the street corner and ask for money, known as panhandlers. They get contributions and rebukes. Some are called winos who want money for alcohol. Others are seen as the down and out of society and resort to pleading. Most are more igno

What is the secret to advancing at work or building a better family? It is easy to spot the things others are doing wrong and impede my success at home or on the job. I hear these questions or comments related to work, "Why do they do it that way? Why don't they include me more?" My suggestions are ignored. I am disregarded while things are going well, but I am constantly involved when things derail. In families', similar questions are asked, "Why do they argue so much? Why d

Is it survival or just a discussion? Robin and Ralph are discussing the delicate subject of budget. It is usually a hot topic for them, and this time is no different. As the conversation continues, emotions begin to flare. What will happen here? Will it end in anger or disappointment? When you are in a tense situation trying to defend your position and start to feel yourself losing ground, it is easy to get loud, stand up, and present yourself as powerfully as possible. You t

Robin and Ralph had been married for some time. This evening Robin meets him at the door with, “Why didn't you call? Why didn't you let me know when you left to come home? You never keep me informed about what you are doing. You don't have a problem communicating with your buddies.” Wow. What a conversation. It sounds like a plateful of complaints—didn't call, didn't let me know, never keep me informed. You can tell your buddies, but not me. These kinds of comments can feel l

Where is my thinking? It is easy to get caught up in today’s news. The world, government, politics, and polarization on these important topics can poison us and push us toward negative thinking. Who are the bad guys today? What are they doing to cause my clan aggravation? It is easy for us to put our 2 cents in and contribute to the problems, justifying our position by stirring up chaos but not contributing to any solutions or contributions to create opportunities for connect

What story am I telling myself about a situation or grievance? We are great at telling stories to ourselves. I can write novels when I'm worried, feel threatened or feel out of control. I can spin myself up telling stories, especially when I don't share them with others. When I am telling myself stories, it is next to impossible for someone to be able to know my story unless I share it with them. If I don't tell them, it is easy for them to misinterpret my mood or attitude. I

Too many times, I hear the words, “I have given until I can give no more. My relationship has evolved into a one-way street. I can no longer do this. I want out.” Ouch! These words come from generous people who enjoy giving and making others “happy”, but it is easy to lose sight of who is in charge of our happiness. You are headed down a long road of disappointment if you make yourself responsible for other people's happiness. It is wonderful to be around people who are true

How will it end? I like to read my friend's letters when they are giving an account of the past year. It is wonderful to see what they accomplished, where they have been, and all the things that they celebrated. What if you write your 2023 letter recap this week. What?! You might say…go to the end of December '23 and look back in your mind and write the future?! Seems out of place, out of your normal rhythm. But I believe it has the potential to be fun, inspiring, and impactf

Oh, the trap of starting New Year's resolutions. It can be a setup for failure. They once were more popular. I can recall the time they were truly important and exciting in my younger years. Among the most popular New Year's resolutions are lose weight, exercise, earn/save more money, improve diet, read more books, take better care of oneself, have a happy attitude, and many other things. Looking forward to a new year with a fresh start can make it more exhilarating and revit

I get the opportunity to work with wonderful people. Many have blind spots chipping away at their future success and happiness. Blind spots frequently show themselves in harmful ways at home and work. Why? Because we struggle to understand others or ourselves when our perspective is clouded. It makes it more challenging to frame our interactions and behaviors logically. It quickly leads to misunderstandings, anger, disrespect, and isolation, none of which are healthy outcomes

Yesterday I sat in church for our Christmas morning service. It was a festive service. There were many bible passages read forecasting the birth of Jesus and then in the New Testament announcing his birth. There were Christmas carols and beautiful choir singing. All of this was very spiritual to me. Then I began watching a family to my left in front. It was a young mom and dad with three children, about 8, 6, and 4. The dad reverently prompted the children to stand during the

Sometimes the strangest things can give us the best answers. It’s just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past ten years or so. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas–oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it–overspending…the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and

Continuing our conversation from the post on Monday, “Safe Listening,” combined with gently curious questions softly probe thoughts and ideas causing others to learn more about themselves while you are also gaining information. These types of questions allow you to drill down and get a deeper understanding of the circumstances that may be contributing to one’s emotional distress. An emotional person cannot hear facts. I say that when someone is hurt, frustrated, confused, or

I was talking to a single mom many years ago. She reported that her15-year-old daughter told her everything. She knew, who was doing drugs, drinking alcohol, skipping school, sneaking out at night, and so many other things going on in her daughter's life. I was amazed at her honesty with her mom and immediately began to think about when my sons were 15. Had they even told me their friends were smoking cigarettes, I would have said, “I better not catch you smoking cigarettes.

What an honorable thing to do. After all, The Big Play Book says, "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Matthew 5:39 Taken out of contents, this can lead to difficulties in relationships. I see this verse, taken at times, as if I have to give in at every turn. Sometimes I call it being too nice. Givers can give into bitterness. Giving too much teaches others that we are always ready and willing to help them in any familiar capacity. When

I was listening to a friend talking about legacy and what he wanted to leave behind when he is gone. He was wanting to make a difference in the world around him. I have thought the same thing. Just look at the people who have left amazing legacies such as business moguls, artist, musicians, politicians, educators, ordinary people, the list is endless. Who would not want to be on the list of major legacy makers. Of course, there are some who might say they don’t care what lega