The Confidence Thief
I know the importance of reminders and today is a reminder of a blind spot that I see rear its ugly head day after day in my office.
SHAME [SHām] NOUN 1. a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior:
As I have mentioned, I grew up in West Texas in a family of six children. I was the fifth in line. I was small in stature, and we were not the wealthiest family around. Within the family, there was a lot of teasing, sarcasm, and put-downs. It was not done to purposely cause harm; it was just the normal method of communication.
Being unaware of emotional maturity, it was not taught in our family, and this led to the crippling shame monster I would carry for years. I tried everything I could to avoid criticism. I developed denial so I wouldn't have to deal with shame. I tried to show up without any blemishes in situations I faced.
My first years of school were difficult because teasing and belittling followed me due to my frailness and perhaps the clothes I wore. I learned to tell jokes and do all I could to feel accepted.
I am reminded when I was in the Marine Corps I was taught how to win at all costs. There, being in charge and right worked well. Now I was a contradiction. I was weakened by shame and empowered by control. What a wreck.
I stood up when it would have been more acceptable for me to stay seated, and other times, I sat down when I ought to have stood up.
Our parents were wonderful and gave us everything they had but could not give what they did not receive. I hold no blame against them. I know they loved us and wanted the best for us.
Lacking emotional maturity and training at home, then returning from the warped emotional training I received in the Marines, I was ill-equipped to be married or a dad, but I had a desire to be the best dad and husband I could be.
Not understanding the concept of emotional maturity till much later in life, every relationship I had took a hit because of this blind spot. Not until I learned I didn’t have to accept the words of others to feel good about who I was and how I showed up did I start seeing a difference.
I find it extremely difficult to see teasing, mocking, belittling, shaming, or bullying because of the negative consequences shame has had on my life.
Shame is a confidence thief.
It can be the source of a broken spirit that takes a long time to heal and hinders the opportunity of feeling confident. A lack of confidence as a child creates a challenging genesis in life. If it is not overcome, it will continually cripple social connections.
I am also regretfully reminded that I have given to others the same treatment that perhaps contributed to their shame. Ouch! That is difficult to admit.
Seeing shame’s effects and being reminded of its consequences, I want to do everything in my power to encourage, empower and have a positive influence on other's confidence.
Here is a good way to remind ourselves daily, “Am I going to build others up or tear them down today?”
My answer… “Today I will focus on catching others doing things right and erasing the effects of the shame monster.”
Watch for the blind spots.
Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts.
Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments.
Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password.
You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies.
Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary.
It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback.
If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below.
Blind Spots in Relationships
What I don't know I don't know about myself
#bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #communication #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #success #motivation #inspiration #inthistogether #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #marriagecounseling #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration #Shame