My friends Ralph and Robin were arguing, as it progressed, Ralph began to get anxious, and his voice elevated. Raising his voice didn't cause the reaction he was looking for, so he got even louder. Finally, he subdued the conversation with Robin by escalating harsh, controlling language. Robin sank into the woodwork as her demeanor seemed more passive and subservient.
Ralph and Robin have recreated a relationship much like their parents. Ralph's dad was harsh and controlling. Robin's mom was subservient and passive. These characteristics portrayed by each are familiar. They witnessed these conversations, arguments, and harsh words in their families of origin. When Ralph gets upset, he barks and demands control. Robin tends to take cover and protect the children.
This type of discussion to solve a problem is a blind spot for both. It is so difficult to recognize this orbital behavior it's a vicious cycle. Their friends and family witness it in a magnified fashion and it is a painful experience to witness the ones we love in an apparent out-of-control situation. Remember the term: I go out of control to gain control.
We gravitate to what's familiar. If love is perceived as harsh and troublesome, finding a mate that fits that experience is easy. Even when we are aware that the things we are experiencing are not suitable for us, it is simple to find ourselves amid what I consider to be familiar experiences.
Ralph is confident in his method of taking care of business. He is oblivious to his contribution to the chaos. Robin's passivity is also not evident to her. Perhaps she has attempted to stand her ground only to make things worse.
Breaking this familiar pattern can take significant effort. Introspective behavior must be evident if a change is going to occur. First, when we hang out in what is familiar, it can be complicated to recognize our poor behavior. Secondly, breaking out of this orbital behavior can be complex and seems impossible. When you are trying to create a change, it can be a strange experience for everyone involved and may even reignite old behaviors.
Sometimes change requires outside assistance, but it can be hard to reach out and break parental patterns since it is such a blind spot. This is not to blame their parents; it's to bring awareness of behavior that gets adopted and is not working.
Change is hard, but it is wonderful when hard work creates peace and harmony.
Do you hang out in what is familiar, causing your loved ones to suffer?
Just because you think something is working doesn't mean it works for everyone.
Watch for the blind spots.
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Blind Spots in Relationships
What I don't know I don't know about Myself
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