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One of the most important truths I teach, whether in counseling, family work, or corporate leadership, is this: anxiety and intellect cannot operate at full strength simultaneously. When anxiety rises, intellect falls. When intellect rises, anxiety settles. Understanding this simple dynamic explains much of human behavior under stress.   Think of the brain like a seesaw. Whichever side carries the most weight determines your decisions, tone, and behavior. When someone is in an anxious state, even small issues feel like emergencies. That is why people yell, freeze, shut down, or react dramatically, the emotional brain has taken the wheel and pushed intellect into the back seat.   In families, anxiety spreads quickly. One stressed parent can activate the entire household. Children sense it and respond with reactivity, defiance, withdrawal, or fear. Spouses feel it and either escalate or retreat. Over time, the home becomes a storm instead of a sanctuary, not because anyone is bad, but because anxiety is driving the system.   The good news is that when even one person chooses intellect, by pausing, breathing, and staying grounded, the atmosphere shifts. You do not need the entire family to be calm; you need one emotional leader willing to slow things down. In triggered moments, ask yourself: Is this anxiety speaking, or is it intellect? Do I want to escalate or bring peace? What does a healthy version of me do right now?   Anxiety is contagious, but so is calm. Choose which one you want to spread.   Watch for the blind spots.   See the bigger picture and transform your relationships. Get Blind Spots in Relationships on Amazon, BN, or BAM or click the link http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

The Christmas season has a way of turning up the volume on everything—expectations, old family patterns, financial pressure, travel stress, and unresolved history. When parents, spouses, or relatives feel overwhelmed or ineffective during the holidays, they often slip into a destructive pattern I call “going out of control to gain control.”   It usually shows up when anxiety spikes. Someone raises their voice about the schedule, the kids, the food, or “the way we’ve always done it.” Posture stiffens. Patience disappears. Logic fades. What was meant to be a moment of connection quietly becomes a contest for control. The louder the voice, the more convinced someone feels they are “taking charge,” when in reality they are losing influence.   This behavior almost always comes from feeling powerless. Holiday gatherings have a way of reminding us where we feel unseen, unappreciated, or stretched too thin. What looks like strength is often fear wearing a festive disguise.   True control during Christmas doesn’t come from volume, guilt, or emotional force; it comes from self-control. When one person slows down, lowers their voice, softens their body, and breathes, something remarkable happens. The emotional temperature drops. Intellect returns. Peace becomes possible again.   When someone you love starts to escalate this season, don’t match their energy. Model maturity. Stay grounded. Speak slowly. Let your calm presence be the loudest voice in the room.   Self-control is not weakness; it is authority. It protects relationships, preserves dignity, and keeps Christmas from becoming another memory of regret.   Watch for the blind spots, especially during the holidays.     This Christmas, give a gift that actually lasts. See the bigger picture and transform your relationships. Get Blind Spots in Relationships —perfect as a stocking stuffer or thoughtful holiday gift. Amazon, BN, BAM. http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp   Author Jerry D. Clark has faced life’s challenges and created strategies for success—he’s eager to share his insights with you! 🎯

Relationships do not fall apart because people speak; they fall apart because people stop listening, or more accurately, stop listening beneath the words. When someone says, “You don’t ever listen to me,”  they are rarely attacking your character. More often, they express a deeper fear or longing: I miss you. I feel unseen. I’m lonely. I want a connection.   Listening beneath the words requires emotional maturity. It means pausing your defensiveness long enough to translate the message hidden inside the complaint. In my work with couples, I often help them slow down so they can hear the meaning rather than react to the wording. When people feel understood at that level, tension softens and safety returns. When you listen beneath the words, you respond from the heart instead of the ego. You might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling disconnected, tell me more,” or “I want to understand what you’re needing from me,” or simply, “You matter to me. Let me hear you fully.”  These kinds of responses don’t just calm conflict; they quietly build intimacy.   Most resentment grows because partners react to what was said rather than what was felt. When the meaning is missed, the relationship becomes two monologues rather than a shared conversation. Listening beneath the words is a gift you offer the other person, and one you give yourself. It brings clarity where there was confusion, tenderness where there was tension, and connection where there was distance.   Watch for the blind spots.     Start seeing the bigger picture and transform your relationships for the better get Blind Spots in Relationships today on amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart or BAM.  http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

When tension rises, most of us instinctively talk about the other person. We say things like, “You’re selfish,” “You never listen,” “You always do this,” or “You make me so mad.” These statements feel honest in the moment, but they almost always trigger defensiveness and escalate conflict. Blame may feel powerful, but it actually gives away control.   Emotional maturity shifts the entire pattern by changing the focus. Instead of talking about the other person, you talk about yourself. Rather than saying, “You’re manipulating me,” you might say, “I’m allowing myself to be manipulated, and I’m not willing to do that anymore.” Instead of, “You’re disrespectful,” you could say, “I’m feeling disrespected, and I want us to talk about how to handle this differently.” The issue is still addressed, but without an attack.   When you talk about yourself, you stay grounded and in control. You remove the target from the other person and reclaim your emotional power. Your tone becomes calmer, clearer, and more confident—not reactive or explosive. This approach eliminates many arguments because no one can argue with what you are genuinely feeling. The conversation shifts from confrontation to understanding.   Talking about yourself lowers defensiveness, reduces emotional intensity, and models emotional maturity. It keeps you anchored in intellect rather than anxiety. This is the key to influence. When you speak from a place of self-awareness, the other person can finally hear you. When you blame, they hear only the need to defend. Shift from accusation to ownership and watch the connection grow where conflict once lived.   Watch for the blind spots.   Start seeing the bigger picture and transform your relationships for the better get Blind Spots in Relationships today on amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart or BAM. http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

Anger is rarely the primary problem. It is a secondary emotion, a reaction to something deeper, such as hurt, fear, disappointment, insecurity, or unresolved stress. When someone explodes, it is not because they are an “angry person,” but because something inside is hurting. Anger becomes the visible signal of invisible pain.   In the Marines, I learned how to manage external chaos. Managing internal chaos, however, required a very different kind of training. Over time, I came to see that anger is often the outward expression of inner wounds that have gone unrecognized or unspoken. When those wounds are ignored, anger steps in to protect them.   In families and relationships, unrecognized anger creates predictable cycles of yelling, withdrawal, shame, and defensiveness. When I ask clients, “What pain is underneath this anger?” there is often a long pause. That pause matters. It is the moment when awareness replaces reaction, and it is where healing begins.   Anger tends to rise when we feel unheard, disrespected, powerless, afraid, overwhelmed, or burdened by unfinished emotional business or chronic stress. When anger takes over, intellect and spirituality go offline. The reptilian brain moves in, loud, reactive, and defensive, and that is when regret is usually born.   Emotional maturity means stepping back and asking better questions: What pain is driving this? What am I afraid of? What story am I telling myself? What would a healthy adult do right now?   When the pain is identified, anger loses its power, and clarity returns.   Watch for the blind spots.   Start seeing the bigger picture and transform your relationships for the better get Blind Spots in Relationships today on amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart or BAM.   http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp   Author Jerry D. Clark has faced life’s challenges and created strategies for success—he’s eager to share his insights with you! 🎯

In relationships, there is almost no faster path to defensiveness than the question “Why?”   Questions like “Why didn’t you call?”, “Why are you late?”  or “Why did you say that?”  sound logical on the surface, but emotionally they land as accusations. Even “What’s wrong with you?”  is simply a harsher version of the same trap. A why-question demands justification, it pressures the other person to defend, explain, or prove something. In my counseling office, I’ve watched calm conversations turn combative in three seconds flat because someone asked “Why?”   A better approach is to shift from blame to truth-telling. When I talk about myself, there is no room for an argument.  Instead of “Why didn’t you call?”  say, “I was worried,” “I missed hearing your voice,”  or “I’m glad you’re home.” Instead of “ Why are you late?”, try “I was hoping to see you sooner” or “I’m relieved you’re safe.”  These statements reveal your internal world rather than accusing the other person. When you talk about yourself , there is nothing to argue with, and the connection opens. When you talk about what they “did wrong,”  emotional reactivity ignites.   The why question is a cultural blind spot, but emotionally mature people learn to outgrow it. Replace “Why did you…?”  with gently curious statements like “Help me understand…,”   “What else can you tell me?”,  or “I want to hear what you’re trying to say.” The moment you remove “why,” communication softens, clarity increases, and peace becomes possible.   Watch for the blind spots.   ✨ Secret Santa gift that won’t get re-gifted.Grab Blind Spots in Relationships  — Amazon, B&N, Walmart, BAM, or click this link http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

Have you ever noticed that every family has a spirit, a prevailing emotional climate that shapes how members talk, listen, and relate to one another? In some families, the spirit is peace. In others, its sarcasm, tension, chaos, or criticism. The problem is that most families never name the spirit, so they unconsciously drift toward whatever emotion the loudest person in the home expresses.   I encourage families to choose a declared “spirit of the household.” Words like peace, love, joy, respect, and unity serve as a guiding compass for communication. When the family spirit is defined, everyone knows the standard. They can ask:   “Am I speaking from the spirit of our family or from my frustration?”   “Are my words building safety or tension?”   “Is this action aligned with the home we’re trying to create?”   When parents model the spirit consistently, children naturally align with it. Emotional maturity grows. Conversations shift. Home becomes a sanctuary instead of a battleground. Declaring a family spirit doesn’t eliminate conflict, but it transforms how conflict is handled. It lifts expectations. It provides a shared mission. And it gives parents authority that isn’t authoritarian, it’s inspirational.   Families don’t accidentally become peaceful. They intentionally choose which spirit will lead the home. When the spirit is clear, the home becomes the safest place on earth.   Watch for the blind spots.   ✨ A Secret Santa gift that won’t get "re-gifted." Grab Blind Spots in Relationships on Amazon, B&N, Walmart, BAM, or click the link http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

Have you ever noticed that resentments are like rust, slow, silent, and destructive? They don’t announce themselves with explosions; they show up in sighs, silence, avoidance, and the quiet pulling away that happens inch by inch. Most couples don’t fall apart from one big event. They drift because of a thousand minor disappointments left unspoken.   I call resentments “relationship rust” because they corrode the emotional infrastructure from the inside out. They form when needs go unmet, when frustrations are swallowed, and when both partners assume the other “should know better.” But no one can read minds, not even the person you love.   One of the biggest blind spots in relationships is believing silence equals peace. It does not. Silence equals postponement. Resentments are simply postponed conversations. But here’s the good news: rust stops when maintenance begins.   Healthy maintenance includes:   • Talking early instead of exploding later   • Asking gently curious questions instead of accusing   • Saying what you need instead of hoping they guess   • Listening for the message beneath the words   • Repairing hurts quickly, even when pride screams otherwise   When couples reconnect through curiosity, honesty, and clarity, the rust begins to fade. Relationships don’t thrive on perfection; they thrive on maintenance. Your relationship is a classic car. Don’t let it rust. Keep it polished through conversation.   Watch for the blind spots.   Blind spots holding you back? 👀 Uncover what you don’t know you don’t know! 💡 Blind Spots in Relationships  📚Get your copy today,  http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

In every family, there’s a difference between the parent who manages tasks and the parent who builds connections. Emotional intelligence, not rules, routines, or IQ, is what makes a parent a true leader in the home.   Years ago, I worked with a mother named Lisa who loved her children fiercely but felt constantly overwhelmed. She said, “I’m juggling school schedules, chores, and everything else, but the kids still push back.”   Her challenge wasn’t organization; it was emotional presence.   We focused on one core principle: Before you correct behavior, connect with the emotion.   Instead of saying, “Stop arguing right now,” she tried, “It sounds like both of you are frustrated. Let’s slow down and figure out what’s really happening.”   The shift was immediate. Conflicts de-escalated faster. Her children listened more because they felt understood. And Lisa felt calmer because she wasn’t fighting constant resistance. Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean letting children run wild. It means guiding them with empathy, clarity, and consistency. Kids cooperate more when they feel seen; they resist when they feel dismissed. Parents don’t need to be perfect; they just need to be present.   When emotional intelligence leads the way, the entire family becomes stronger, safer, and more connected.   Watch for the blind spots.     ❄️ As the holidays bring us closer together, make space for deeper understanding. Blind Spots in Relationships  helps you uncover what you don’t know you don’t know—grab your copy today,  http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

Every family has moments when the children, or teenagers, take emotional control of the household. The youngest slams a door, the toddler melts down, the teen fires off sarcasm, and suddenly everyone else is reacting.   In those moments, kids aren't the problem—the loss of parental leadership is.   I once coached a couple whose 8-year-old son dictated the mood of the entire home. If he was upset, dinner stopped, bedtime shifted, and all conversation revolved around calming him down. Their teen daughter had learned to withdraw because "he runs the house anyway."   We talked about leadership presence, not force. Children naturally test boundaries; they're supposed to. But when the child's emotions lead the family, chaos grows and safety shrinks.   It is essential to practice this simple skill:   Regulate yourself before trying to regulate your child.   Kids can't acquire calm from a parent who isn't calm.   The parents began responding instead of reacting. They maintained firm routines, offered choices rather than demands, and separated emotions from instructions.   The boy didn't magically stop melting down, but the home environment changed. The adults were in charge, not through power, but through steady emotional maturity.   Children thrive when parents lead.   Chaos wins when kids lead.   Emotional intelligence restores order and confidence.   Kids want the parents to be in charge, but the parents must earn the right.   Watch for the blind spots.   👀 Don’t wait to uncover what you don’t know you don’t know! 💡 Blind Spots in Relationships, get your copy today,  http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp   Author Jerry D. Clark has faced life’s challenges and created strategies for success—he’s eager to share his insights with you! 🎯

In families, as in the workplace, emotional intelligence outranks raw intelligence. I’ve counseled countless parents who love their children deeply but struggle to manage the emotional climate of their home. Parenting isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about having the awareness to guide without controlling.   I once worked with a dad named Robert who prided himself on being logical and practical. He could fix anything in the house… except the rising tension between him and his teenage daughter. He insisted, “I explain things clearly. She doesn’t listen.”   But clarity wasn’t the issue; connection was.   We focused on a simple mindset shift: Listen to understand, not to correct.   Instead of jumping into lecture mode, he practiced remaining curious, asking, “Help me understand what you’re thinking right now.”   The transformation was remarkable. His daughter opened up. Their arguments softened. She began seeking his opinion instead of avoiding him. Robert didn’t change his IQ—he changed his emotional presence.   Children don’t remember every rule or lecture, but they always remember how we made them feel. As parents, our most significant influence isn’t in our authority, but in the emotional safety we provide.   Emotional intelligence doesn’t just raise children; it raises the relationship.   Watch for the blind spots.     🌟 Before the year ends, invest in the relationships that matter most. Blind Spots in Relationships  is your guide. Get it today, http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp

In every workplace, there’s a difference between the people who are simply smart and the people who make others better. Emotional intelligence at work, not IQ, is what separates the two. I learned this years ago while consulting with a corporate team that was drowning in conflict. They didn’t lack talent; they could not function together. One afternoon, a senior engineer named Mark pulled me aside. “I’m the smartest person on this team,” he said, “but nobody listens to me.” He wasn’t wrong about his intelligence. His technical skills were world-class. But his delivery was harsh, dismissive, and impatient. His brilliance pushed people away. We worked on a straightforward shift: awareness before action. I asked him to pause before giving feedback and ask himself, “How will my tone land? What does this person need from me right now?” Within weeks, things began to shift. Coworkers said he was easier to approach. Meetings became more productive. His influence grew, not because his IQ increased, but because his emotional intelligence did. In leadership, people don’t follow your intelligence; they follow how they experience you. Teams thrive under leaders who listen, stay grounded under pressure, and communicate with respect. IQ can open the door, but emotional intelligence builds the trust that keeps you in the room. Watch for the blind spots.   👀 Don’t wait to uncover what you don’t know you don’t know! 💡 Blind Spots in Relationships,  get your copy today, http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp   Author Jerry D. Clark has faced life’s challenges and created strategies for success—he’s eager to share his insights with you! 🎯