Search Blog

Who am I in your presence? Often, I am in the presence of another and find myself frustrated or not feeling good about myself when I am with them. What an unpleasant experience. People who present unpleasantness are usually oblivious to it and persist until they discover it is unappealing to others and modify it or risk being abandoned. [Blind Spot] I frequently hear someone described as having alienated others due to their narcissistic, gaslighting, or manipulative behavior. Let's define these behaviors for clarity. A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest or admiration for themselves and discounts others. Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of a person that causes them to doubt their thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. Manipulators exploit or scheme to control someone cleverly or unscrupulously. These behaviors occur on a continuum from mild to chronic and anywhere in between. A person can be mildly narcissistic, or they can be chronically narcissistic. It is the same with gaslighting or manipulating. Experiencing these behaviors from the ones we love is miserable. These terms are usually expressed with disdain or some pejorative connotation to describe a person who is challenging to deal with or someone who has verbally or psychologically injured them. People in one or more of these terminologies are complicated to be aro und. It is not okay to suffer from anyone who treats you in these three ways. Sometimes it is impossible to get away from them, especially if they are family or coworkers. However, to remain in their presence is toxic and usually deteriorates the relationship. Though it is only natural to wish to affect change in others, keep in mind that we can only change ourselves. This is where, culturally; we tend to fail. It is easy to distance ourselves from them, blaming their behavior or exercising critical judgment for separating from them. I don't mean to imply that we don't need to separate from them, but rather that we must continue to put our focus on changing ourselves rather than playing the victim and saying, "Poor me." I prefer setting boundaries in a way that makes my distance from them evident when I voice my unhappiness or disapproval of my experience with them. Blaming others in a relationship is taking the victim's role and ensuring things will not change until the identified perpetrator changes their behavior. Accepting responsibility for how I allow others to treat me is the emotionally mature way to change the relationship experience. Actions, rather than words, can be a more effective means of conveying the story of discomfort in their presence. Again, the age-old question, "Am I the victim, or am I responsible?" I choose responsibly. Who are you in the presence of others? What do you need to do about any toxic relationships? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #russelltomlinson #marriageadvice #mindset #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissisticabuseawareness #manipulators #manipulation #gaslightingawareness #gaslighting #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

Honor your father and mother. [Exodus 20:12] It's difficult to believe that some mothers and fathers have yet to earn this privilege. This is not about passing judgment on them but making a point for all of us. Last Sunday, we sat behind a young family; a mom, a dad, and three children ages 9, 7, and 5. They were a delight to observe. The dad was engaged in the service, and so was the mom. I was particularly enamored by the mom, who was constantly engaged with each child separately. Her looks told a powerful story and were unmistakable. Her smile was approval and acceptance. Her eyebrows told one story, and her pursed lips told another. Each child was very attuned to her. Her tilted head expressed pay attention. Her smile said they were doing a great job. She spent time with the 7-year-old during the hymns by pointing out the complicated method of reading the hymnal. While talking about scripture, she helped the older two find it in their children's bible that they carry each Sunday. Amazingly she did all of this without disengaging in her participation in the service. What a delight to watch her seamlessly orchestrate them in such a way that seemed like a language they knew and understood without using words. Occasionally, Dad would glance across with the same telepathic ability, expressing his thoughts of their acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Following a wonderful children's sermon, they retreated with the other children to spend their own time together. The parents then moved side by side and participated in the remainder of the service. What an excellent example of a family worshiping together. Honor your father and mother. This commandment calls on us as children to be devoted to our parents, but it also calls on us as parents to be honorable so that respect for one another and for the family develops naturally through love, dedication, and discipline. Oh, to be able to go back and do it again. It may have been very different for my family. I am sure it would have been. Yet knowing that there is no turning back, we can search for role models and examples of how we can make today better than yesterday. Honor your father and mother. Need I ask any questions about your understanding of this commandment? I choose better every day. How about you? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #family #growthmindset #10Commandments #emotionalmaturity #counseling #growtogether #mindsetiseverything #marriagecoach #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshiprevolution #russelltomlinson #relationshipcoach #therapy #familyfirst

People will occasionally make an alarming and difficult comment. Unsolicited advice or false accusations can be the worst. I call it “blurting” and here are examples: Why did you do it that way? Why do you allow that to happen? Why don't you do it my way? You should not listen to them. You need to fix that. Your colors are uncoordinated. Your car is ugly. You need to get another one. Can't you keep up? Your family is chaotic. As you can see from the examples above—to blurt means to say something suddenly without thinking and is generated by excitement or discontent. It is sometimes heard as a false accusation. Blurts entice us to follow along with the subject introduced by the blurter. Attempting to defend this type of conversation can be futile and exhausting at best. It can be quite challenging but also incredibly beneficial to learn how to symbolically move aside and let these kinds of words sink into the wall behind us. First, I like to preplan my conversation with a blurter. I asked myself what they might say or ask, and then I predetermine how I want to respond. It is a great idea to put these things in writing, so you have a record to look back on and add to as you continue to use this technique. Here are a few gently curious questions and a statement that have proved to be rock solid: Why did you do it that way? (answer) How come you ask? Your family is chaotic. (answer) What would you like me to do with that information? You are wrong. You need my help. You are jumping the gun. (response) This is coming so fast I feel blown away or even inept. Isn't that something? I really know what I'm doing and how to handle this. Thanks for your opinion. If they reply or answer my question, I use an eloquent grunt. Humm. Then I don't say anything else. Second, I like to refrain from engaging in their subject matter. I like to have a one-minute story that I can throw down in the middle of the blurting attack, Did I tell you about…? It is amazing that people are unaware they come across in a way that is disconcerting or annoying to another. [Blind Spot] Remember, because they are unaware of it, trying to bring it to their attention can sometimes be futile. It is a process of learning how to strategically disengage and you will get better each time you find yourself in this situation. Identify the blurt and prepare a response plan. Although it is simple to say, doing so is challenging. It hurts to be a blurter's victim. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #energy #energyhealing #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

There is a song that goes, "I'm in a hurry to get things done, oooh I rush and rush until life's no fun..." ending with "I'm in a hurry and don't know why..." I think it is the same as "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get..." Busyness can be the "blind spot" keeping you from recognizing what you desperately need. I know your to-do list is likely close by and packed with tasks. It is a very ‘busy’ day. Sometimes we know there is a better way to do things, but we are just so 'busy' we do not even think we have the time to find it–so we keep going like we always have. [Blind Spot] Busyness can happen so subtly that you don’t realize what is going on until it is to late—a broken marriage, strained relationships, health scares, anxiety attacks. [Blind Spot] I want you to hear is this—You have this one fantastic life. I do not want you to get up every morning feeling totally exhausted and defeated before it even begins. Time is the greatest gift we have, because it is the only thing we will never get back. How you devote your time is how you devote your life. Do not let ‘busy’ steal your moments, take the time to count your blessings, ‘practice’ slowing down, let go of what you cannot control, 'listen' to your heart, be productive not ‘busy’ and most of all JUST BREATHE! Happy Wednesday, keep looking for the blind spots! Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #mindset #justbreathe #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

"If I hang around the barber shop, I might get a haircut.” God puts people in our lives. He will bring the right people into our lives, and we must let the wrong people walk away, because the people I choose to surround myself with either raise or lower my standards. I either become the best version of myself or am encouraged to become a lesser version, because I will be like my friends. None of us becomes great or unsuccessful on our own. Tony Robins says, “Get rid of negative people who bring you down. Surround yourself with people who lift you up”. The people around us help to make us who we are. We become who we attract or who we are attracted to. The law of attraction goes back to Confucius in the 6th century BC, who wrote one of the first quotes about surrounding yourself with good people: “If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” This idea that you are who you surround yourself with has lasted this long because it’s truth—and you can use it to achieve your dreams in business and life. I attract what I focus on. If I hang around with negative people, I'll feel like I'm living under a cloud. But if I fill my life with friends who positively challenge my thinking, I will live in the sunshine of success. Have you ever heard someone say, “You are who you hang out with?” Look at raising children, we likely worry about them joining in with the wrong crowd—and our parents feared the same for us. That's because the people you spend the most time with have a big impact on your emotions, your worldview, and your expectations of yourself. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” As parents, we instinctively know this, and we want to use this power of supervision to positively affect our children. Do you use this concept to your advantage? Surrounding yourself with good people can influence every aspect of your life, from business to romantic relationships. “We all get what we tolerate, in ourselves and other people.” – Tony Robbins “Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who’ll argue with you.” – John Wooden (My mentor would laugh at me using this quote) “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn If I run with the wrong crowd, it can be difficult to break this routine. I only have one life to live. I want to get the most out of it. What herd do you run with? Do your close friends propel you to where you want to go? Whoever I choose to hang around, I will become. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #makeadifference #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything #marriagecoach #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshiprevolution #russelltomlinson #relationshipcoach #therapy #motivational #motivation

Something that slips past our conscious thinking is whether our personal energy exudes something positive or negative. I don't know about you, but my world needs positive energy. Yes, that general feeling of good cheer, happiness, and hope. Positive energy attracts positive energy and helps to promote health and well-being. Do our children experience enough positive energy? Starting young, to know and recognize positive energy, can set them on a great path. It is so easy to overlook this opportunity. Children are raised with so many commands that involve negative vibes. It is vital to ensure they feel a mix of positivity combined with teaching them to be great. How is positive energy generated? Smiling more is one of the simplest and most effective ways to project positive energy. A smile is the easiest way for me to feel happier, more positive, and it also makes those around me feel the same way. Being gracious and appreciative makes me feel good and will likely encourage others to do something nice for someone else. Complimenting others can create a good feeling in them, and they are more likely to be inspired to pay it forward. Another way to spread positive energy is to help others. It makes both of you feel good. Attract positive people, you know, those who are perpetually upbeat. Yeah, it would be ideal if you gravitated closer to them. Spending time with uplifting individuals makes you feel better about yourself and elevates your spirits. We mentioned smiling earlier. However, you can kick it up a notch by combing it with a wave! When you're out in public, make an effort to smile and wave at people. It's a simple act, but it can really make someone's day. Oh yeah, what about random acts of kindness? When truly done without another person knowing their source, these acts are amazing. Remember, positivity is contagious. When you project positive energy, you make those around you feel better. What is your energy level? Can you make it more positive? Go out and make someone's day, smile and say hello. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #energy #energyhealing #smile #smilemore #smilechallenge #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

I am where I am because of the choices I've made. Yes, this is a bold statement, but it's true. Think about it, how often do we use the phrases, "I had to" or "She/He made me" when explaining why we did or did not do something. These words expose us because we believe that we are not actively involved in our choices. Regardless of the situation or surroundings, we need to understand that we are the ones in charge of the choices we make. [Blind Spot] Good or bad, I believe my life is a result of my choices. Examples of your choices: Being in a job that you love, or you don't like. You're in a relationship that is healthy or unhealthy. You don't like your income. Your house/car is or is not what you think it should be. You’re late. You’re stressed out. It's so easy, as you can see, to blame others, the weather, the stock market, interest rates, prices of goods sold, traffic, computers, and a variety of other things. We tend to absolve ourselves because we believe that someone else is in charge. Indeed, some events happen that are out of our control, such as storms, floods, and accidents; yet again, we have a choice of how we will react or respond to adverse circumstances in our life. How are you doing with your choices? What percent of life are you really living today because of your choices, 30, 50, 75%? What better choices can you make to improve your life just a few percentage points? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bayharbourumc #mindset #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people #choices #choicesmatter

I am excited to share that I was a special guest speaker on Russell Tomlinson’s, Relationship Revolution Podcast this last week. Russell and I discussed Blind Spots in Relationships. We spoke about how we can learn and discover what we don’t know we don’t know about ourselves, how anxiety and intellect compete for the same available brain resources, when anxiety is up, our intellect is down and much more. This is great listen for those who are married, dating, divorced and looking to be in a relationship. You can listen to the Relationship Revolution Podcast on Apple Podcast, Spreaker from iHeartRadio and at this link: https://tinyurl.com/yc85kw5x Watch for the blind spots. ABOUT: Russell Tomlinson is a marriage and relationship expert who has coached countless couples for over 40 years. His ultimate goal and life assignment is to assist couples in discovering the true treasure that lies beneath their differences and disagreements. His mission is to bring stability to our communities by strengthening marriages and families. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a your book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #makeadifference #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything #russelltomlinson #thedifferencefactor #marriagecoach #relationshiprevolution #mentalhealth #relationships #relationshipcoach #therapy

Occasionally, I find someone willing to settle for less than they deserve in their relationship. I call it settling for crumbs on a paper plate in the corner of the kitchen rather than on the fine China on the dining room table. Here are some questions to help you assess how you show up in your relationships. Do you stay because you fear you can't improve, or do you claim your self-worth and disallow poor treatment? Do you settle for less than you think you deserve or ask for what you need? Do you feel you work too hard in the relationship, or do you demand reciprocation? Are you staying because you're afraid to leave or do you feel great in this relationship? Do you find yourself complaining more or becoming more assertive? Are you telling yourself that things will improve over time, or are you asking for change? Have you lost credibility, or are you feeling cherished? Do you recognize that being alone is better than being together and feeling alone? Do you tolerate whatever comes your way, or are you setting healthy limits? Having emotionally mature confidence in yourself is the key to great relationships. When I treat myself with dignity and respect, I will not allow anyone to treat me less. If I am going to be mad at anyone in this relationship, it is not going to be me.We promote what we permit. In my relationships, the question now becomes, am I eating crumbs on a paper plate in the corner of the kitchen, or am I eating on the dining room table with fine linen, silver, China, and crystal? It is my choice. I choose healthy, how about you? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou

Blind spots are like a Mack truck that drives through your life, revealing your weak spots, limitations and humbling your reactions. I was in a conversation with a very dear friend on the way back from a trip. We discussed many situations and things we had experienced in a seminar attended that weekend. In the midst of the conversation he said, “You know, you have very limiting beliefs.” WHHAAAAT?! I was immediately defensive and began to read him the riot act on how he was wrong. Rationalizing, justifying and minimizing my behavior because OH MAN, BLIND SPOT EXPOSED! Here is what I learned and what you too can look for—the things I want to deny or resist about myself are the very things that identify my blind spots. Start listening to what people say around you. It is a blind spot revealer and can help you see what you are not seeing. When you uncover your blind spots, you become more conscious of your strengths, areas of opportunity, and the boundaries that you are operating within so you can lean forward and build a better you. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #bible #bayharbourumc #mindset #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #buildabetteryou #buildingcommunity #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #people

It is easy to become complacent in our world today. Life can be comfortable yet not fulfilling. It seems too easy to follow the social magnet and become lost in the world of others or lost in showing off the grandeur of a moment. I love one of my dear friend's approaches to social media when she posts a beautiful picture of her family, and she reports it's not always that way. What a lovely way to be humbly proud and not braggadocios. When it comes to my daily living, do I stay caught up in today's culture? Do I follow the herd, or do I break new trails? The older I get, the more limited I become. Is it time to do what I dream of, or is it later? The younger I was, the easier it was to put things off. The older I get, the easier I see that I'm allowing dreams to pass me by. Another great friend reminded me of Cody Johnson's song, 'Til You Can’t. These lyrics speak to me. It says to me that life is short and passing me by. It has inspired my friend to fulfill some of his dreams and dream new ones. As this post hits the internet, he will be off on a weeklong adventure with specific things in mind to see and be open to discovering something he didn't know. You go, my dear friend! After all, what is living all about? Life is an adventure, a journey, and a place to build memories by pursuing dreams. What an inspiration he is to me. Am I doing what my dreams are calling me to do? I have certainly said yes to some of my dreams, yet there are still some left to make a reality. I admire those of you who are living your dreams daily. Move over; here I come. I have a lifetime of serving others, what a wonderful experience it has been. I would not want to have it any other way. However, I teach the concept of taking care of yourself; about getting renourished and replenished so that there is more to give. It may appear selfish, but if I don't, I will collapse, which is the destiny of caregivers who give too much. What dreams are you not living out? Dreams don't have to be sourced by money. They can be risking rekindling a relationship, changing careers, making more friends, and being more available to the ones you love and who love you. There are no limits to dreams. Have you and I waited too long? Not yet. Go until you can’t. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #dreams #liveyourdreams #dreamstoreality #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #makeadifference #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #counseling #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything

Have you ever thought of continuing to improve yourself after school? All of the years of education required to achieve the level we desired were spent with effort, dedication, and commitment. After our formal education, what do we do next? Is it time for rest and relaxation, or is it time to continue our education? Where do we learn to be great parents, communicators, and neighbors? Where do we learn how to create and be a part of healthy relationships? We focus on education as a profession, yet we need to educate ourselves on how to do life outside of work. Some are more equipped to prosper in social settings, yet many of us have struggled in our day-to-day relationships and seem okay with the results. I'm reminded of the book by Tim Sanders, The Likeability Factor, in which he emphasizes likable people succeed. This seems true in our culture. For the most part, it is easy for me to see this principle, yet it is inconceivable to see myself as unlikeable. Even though I present in most cases as likable, I think I would like for people to know I am always that way. Yet, there are narrow windows of time that I present as unlikeable, which truly can be out of my awareness. [Blind Spot] Sometimes I feel bad, tired, hungry, and out of control of life's circumstances and the unlikeable me will come on stage. The unlikeable me is the me that I don't want others to see and messes up my social reputation. Am I the only one who thinks this way? I have worked hard for many years to recognize and shift out of those situations where I lose control of my thinking and actions. I must maintain continuous vigilance to prevent going out of control. It has everything to do with emotional well-being. Being in charge of my emotions is the key to building a better me. Recognizing and shifting when I get more emotional than intellectual is another key to building a better me. You have probably heard me say that our emotions and intellect compete for the same available brain resources. I operate best when my emotional level and my intellectual/spiritual level are equal. How about you? Where do you need to employ more education? Where do you see you can prosper in building a better you? Where do you find this kind of education? Look for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #change #changeisgood #changeyourmindset #changeyourlife #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipcoaching #buildabetteryou #buildalifeyoulove #buildingchampions