Search Blog

I don’t know if you have ever gone out of control to gain control. I have and it was my intention to try to control others or situations in which I had no control. In the TV series, Funniest Home Videos, I am reminded of the man who is trying to start his weed eater. After pulling the rope multiple times and it not starting, he began to bang the weed eater on the concrete, turning it around, hitting the non-compliant engine as hard as he could, and bending and breaking every piece. He then threw it down and stomped away. How embarrassing, especially if the neighbors are watching. [BLIND SPOT] I don’t know if any of you have ever done that, or perhaps you might know someone who has. This is a case in point of allowing emotions to override intellect. Anxiety and intellect compete for the same brain resources. The more anxious I am the less intellectual. The more intellectual I am the less anxious. I view anxiety and intellect as inversely proportionate. When one goes up, the other goes down. Acting out of my anxiety is what I call “the oxymoron.” Going out of control to gain control. If I am calm, strategic, and intentional about starting the weed eater, I will pursue other methods of solving the problem. If I am very uptight and worried about finances, relationships, work, or children, rather than destroy the weed eater, I need to get myself under control by identifying and reducing the major stressors in my life. Being aware that my thinking influences my distress can be very freeing and extinguish anxiety before it gets a hold of my emotions. Resist the oxymoron; seek self-control! Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #monday #mondaymotivation #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #bayharbourumc #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #mondayvibes

I remember a debate in college. We were debating whether there was a heaven. I recall one person who spoke up and said, “The proof is in the older and wiser men and women whom all seem to focus on their spiritual life.” Another quickly retorted, “Yeah, they're just cramming for finals.” Perhaps that is true for some, but I have this strong desire to live my next 20 years leaning forward and making a difference in the world around me. At my age, it is customary to implement the “retirement plan”—travel, golf, fish, sit back and rest and enjoy life. I truly love that concept, but for me, it feels as though I would stop challenging my mind, my physical self, and other things that are important to maintaining good health. I find the more I keep engaging in learning and activity, the better I become. I have increased my physical exercise and improved my diet, and I am experiencing an enhanced disposition as a result. I've spent the last two years attending training classes to increase my emotional, financial, spiritual, and social wealth. It has inspired me to take on new ventures in life. I was told in Bootcamp, that I should be able to run 1/2 mile... straight up. Yeah, I'm still working on that one. And don’t get me wrong; speed and agility may have crept up on me, but I’ll keep working on my mobility in order to stay upright and move forward. In relation to the—is there a heaven debate—it is interesting that focusing on nurturing my spiritual self does seem more fulfilling. The body gives way, but I choose to be young in heart and spirit and watch for the blind spots. My challenge to myself is to remember that I am as seasoned as I allow myself to be, and I can always add the travel, golf, fishin’, and sittin’ back into my lean forward. The big playbook is always on point, “Teach us to number our days so that we may truly live and achieve wisdom. Let the favor of the Lord our God be on us; establish the work of our hands—yes establish the work of our hands.” —Psalm 90:12, 17 Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #bayharbourumc #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

This Sunday was the second in the series of co-presenting Blind Spots at my home church, Bay Harbour UMC, League City, Texas. Sr. Pastor Stephen spoke on blind spots from the perspective of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. I addressed Global Thinking, what Pastor called "mental bouncing"—identifying life’s issues that key up anxiety, stress, and worry. Global Thinking is a wicked paradox, but there is a simple exercise that can help. "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things..." Below are the 9 am Traditional and 11 am Contemporary Services. You can listen to the full message or I have given the times when the message starts with Pastor Stephen and when I start and end speaking. This is Sunday, September 25, 2022, Blind Spots Series 2. 9 am Service Pastor Stephen starts at 23:57 I start at 38:36 and end at 45:58 11 am Service Pastor Stephen starts at 31:31 I start at 45:40 and end at 52:20 I look forward to hearing from you and share this with someone else you think might enjoy it. Keep looking for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #communication #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation

Sandy and Rex have been in a relationship for about 18 months. They have a fun relationship and enjoy each other’s company. Rex likes to use sarcasm and it is offensive to Sandy. She confronts him with the statement, “You are very sarcastic, and I don't like it.” He retorts, “What’s the matter can’t you take a joke?” She turns away in frustration and emotionally steps back from him. Nothing gets resolved and the relationship continues in a damaged state. This is the slippery slope of sarcasm. Instead of being confrontational, another approach is for Sandy to say, “Rex, I am in a double bind. It is danged if I do and danged if I don't. If I tell you that your sarcasm hurts, I am afraid you may feel offended and get defensive. Then I know things will not change. If I don't tell you, things will not change, and I will continue to feel offended and frustrated and pull away from you. I can't win.” Ideally, Rex will not want her to feel offended or frustrated and will work on his sarcasm. This approach enrolls him to come alongside her and alleviate her frustration and feelings of offense. The ‘double bind approach’ in communication gives them a chance to strengthen their relationship. Sarcasm can be hidden from the person using it. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #mondaymotivation #monday #mondaymood #sarcasm #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #bayharbourumc #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy

Yes, it is the season. And I got to thinking about how football relates to the game of life. It is essential that I live my life being intentional and strategic— it's not the easiest way, it takes courage, planning, and knowing what I want to accomplish in the end. I need to know who I am and where I'm going, or I will take the path of least persistence. Yes, persistence. It is easy for me to be lazy and make excuses to simply act, react, or play to the moves and timing of others. When I see others with a great idea, path, or design that improves life, I want to encourage or champion them. When I find myself playing defense, I'm more negative, less engaged, and less impactful to the future. I can just duck and weave based on what others do or say or I can lead down my own path toward my own objective. Watch out. When I call an audible, take the lead and become intentional and strategic about my life, defenses arise. Tacklers move in to control my forward motion. Defenders move in to close the gap, disempower, and reduce my capability and keep me contained. Moving down life’s yard lines takes change and maneuverability. I must alter my strategy based on what defensives I encounter. Playing offense does not mean I am offensive. Playing offense simply means I want to improve my life by serving, and initiating creativity, and action. I want to strategize ‘my’ route rather than the route someone chooses for me. I need to stay on offense and make ‘my’ positive difference in the lives of others and the world around me. God made me a servant leader. This is my offensive strength; I serve and want to grow the team so that everyone can play their position and speak for themselves. We are all winners and I want to be an encourager. Take it from the big playbook, Jesus sat down, called the Twelve, and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he will be the last and the servant of all.” Mark 9:35 ESV Lord, make me your servant. When I operate the way God has designed me, I win. I call it playing offense, not defense. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipdevelopment #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #courageous #bayharbourumc #relationshiptips #footballyall #marriageandfamilytherapy #footballseason

I have the privilege of co-presenting a series on Blind Spots at my home church, Bay Harbour UMC, League City, Texas. Sr. Pastor Stephen will be speaking on the blind spots of the leaders in the scripture. I will be addressing today's worldview perspective on blind spots that I have observed in my life and practice. It is a powerfully collaborative series that I'm thrilled to share with you. The video below is the 9 am Traditional Service. You can listen to the full message or I have given the times when the message starts with Pastor Stephen and when I start and end speaking. This is Sunday, September 18, 2022, Blind Spots Series 1. 9 am Services Pastor Stephen starts at 24:45 I start at 36:42 and end at 44:45 I look forward to hearing from you and thanks for sharing with someone else you think might enjoy it. Keep looking for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #communication #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation

Holding grudges is like being very ill and not seeking medical assistance. Joe and Janice have been arguing about the same thing for over a week. The argument is not that important, but they just keep it going. How long will this last? Who is at fault? What will it take to begin to move forward in the relationship? Small things that get carried along can morph into larger things as they continue to persist. Being able to resolve these small skirmishes will be a gift to the future. When loving relationships, whether family or couples, fracture or become distant, it is critical to seek resolution as soon as possible. This does not say that I will continue to relent and be treated badly. It means that I have my limits and will endure an occasional slip-up, but I will not endure them continually. I cannot tolerate the same repeated mistakes over and over. I say—so what, now what. I cannot go back and unring the bell. If I have offended someone, I must let my heart and their perception of me serve as my apology. If I have been offended, seeking, and allowing reconciliation as soon as possible is important. Carrying a grudge without giving or getting relief, can build resentments that also get carried into the future and continue to contaminate the relationship. “You don’t hold grudges. Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs.” —Jim Rohn So what…I need to find ways to move forward and not hold back… Now what? Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #communication #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondayvibes #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy

Have you ever looked at the cost of a broken or fractured relationship? If it leads to a divorce, it can be horribly expensive in both dollars and emotional pain. They can cost tens of thousands of dollars in addition to excruciating emotional anguish. Divorce doesn’t just affect two people. It can be a traumatic experience for children, and no one can put a price on the children's tears or the concern of those who care about the two of you. I have witnessed too many tears due to divorce. Being away from both parents causes indescribable grief, and additional variables like fighting and bickering before and after the divorce worsen everyone's emotional suffering. Property division can be contentious, children may find it difficult to not have all of their stuff in one place, and the different rules that apply in each household can be very confusing. A poor or broken relationship can be very harmful to the parents and the kids even if it does not result in divorce, it affects every area of life. Work Broken or fractured work relationships can cause a loss of income, poor productivity, being passed over for promotion, creating a poor environment within the work group, and many other terrible experiences. Family Broken or fractured family relationships are extremely stressful and make family gatherings, celebrations, and scheduling more difficult, especially when children are involved. Social Broken or fractured relationships among friends and neighbors may frequently cause disturbances in social circles. Friends and neighbors may take sides, and this can be quite painful when once-close friends or work acquaintances turn away. Stop! One of the most difficult adjustments in relationships is getting out of my own vacant head and observing how the other person responds. Whether it's physical or emotional indicators, I need to use empathy to see what the other is showing me. Am I attracting or repelling them? This is a foreign concept, but it’s crucial. It's not the type of interpersonal conversation I usually have with myself. Paying attention to poor or damaged relationships—as soon as they begin to deteriorate—can save both you and others’ dollars and emotional distress. "A Stitch in time saves Nine." Thomas Fullers’ book Gnomologia, Adagies and Proverbs, published in 1732. Note: Not all relationships can be salvaged. Some relationships are so toxic and fractured you must disengage. Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #leadershipdevelopment #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #courageous #listening #listeningskills

Couples and families come into my office locked into arguments that create defensiveness and emotional pain which is difficult to dispel. In this instance, we only see and hear what the ‘other person’ is doing to contribute to the difficulty in this situation. Many years ago, I recall a single mom who had a 9-year-old son. She reported that her son was very disrespectful and argumentative and whenever an argument ensued, he would run to his room and hide under his bed. She said that he would not listen to her. By the way, her son was in the room as we discussed this circumstance. Instead of leaving her new "camcorder" (notice this is an old story) in the hot car, where it might be damaged or stolen, she brought it into the office. In my office, her son was behaving like an angel. I suggested that she use the new "camcorder" to record his behavior considering his disparate actions at home and at the office so I could see what she was referring to. The next week she came in very excited with this statement, “I got him.” As we huddled around the small screen to watch the incident, an argument ensued, and he screamed and yelled and ran into his room and under the bed. She chased him, shouting louder than he was and using expletives she didn't want me to hear. She was presenting herself as an ‘out-of-control mom.’ After less than a moment, she asked if we could turn it off. She was both enlightened and embarrassed because she was hearing a part of the conversation she had never heard before. I often ask couples and families to record their conversations when they're having difficulty. Then each person is to take the recording into a room by themselves and listen to the person they didn't hear during that conversation. Yes, they didn't hear their own voice. After everyone has listened to the recording, it is then erased. It is not used to justify behavior or actions but to hear their own voice. Occasionally someone will say, “Do you think I would say or act the same if I knew it was being recorded?” I love it! Whenever you can hear yourself in the conversation, it is extremely enlightening. Listen to yourself and see what you can learn. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #courageous #listening #listeningskills

Have you ever found yourself in conversations doing any of these things? Filibustering or trying to convince Avoiding or abandoning the conversation Becoming argumentative or angry Pleasing or placating Using humor Notice these are things that we learn as children. It is my observation that learning to reduce stress as children, we found ourselves doing these things: Temper tantrum Yelling Getting quiet or alone Causing a distraction by pleasing Using humor to break the tension When we learned these things as a child, I say we were in 'survival mode', and we reacted or counteracted. As these stress reactions fade, we pick up these stress approaches and bring them into our adult world, where they manifest as emotional immaturity. Having a tantrum as an adult is ineffective. It also doesn't help to shout and argue. Over-pleasing may sound healthy, but over time it can lead to serious issues. I say that by attending school and paying attention to our parents and teachers, children develop intellectually. By eating, sleeping, and exercising, we develop physically. These things are natural in our everyday lives, however; growing emotionally is not. Without conscious effort and focus on learning how to handle our emotions, we find ourselves in deep trouble. When we can recognize that we are employing self-control regardless of our circumstances and the mood or reaction of others, then we can truly say that we are emotionally mature. Until then, we may find ourselves going out of control to gain control. Be sure your stool has three legs. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy #courageous #mondaymotivation #mondayvibes #mondaythoughts

Superman, Ironman, Spiderman, or Flash? What's not to like about a hero who wears a cape and can fly in to save you from grave danger at a moment's notice? There is another hero to consider, a Greek hero, Achilles. He was the son of an immortal goddess named Thetis and a mortal man named Peleus. When Achilles was born, Thetis thought she could make him immortal by submerging him into the River Styx. As legend has it, Thetis held Achilles by his heel when she dipped him into the river. But this left his heel untouched by the magical waters of the River Styx and it remained mortal and thus vulnerable. He is an invincible warrior who is as strong as an ox and as stubborn as a mule. His passion serves as his own "Achilles heel", so much so that Achilles lets a petty slight get the better of him, overriding his commitment to his main cause and it costs him his life. How many times do we allow something petty to derail us or get us off course? An Achilles’ heel is an unexpected problem or weakness in an otherwise strong person or a system that can result in injury, failure, or death. For example, if I am trying to lose weight but love to eat ice cream, you could say that my love of ice cream is my Achilles’ heel. If I see something’s on sale, I’ll buy it – even if I don’t need it. Your smartphone can be your Achilles’ heel if you always have it out when you’re with your family or friends. It could be any one of a number of weaknesses or vulnerabilities, such as pride, impatience, laziness, selfishness, stubbornness, impulsiveness, fear, passivity, or aggression. If we can identify patterns, or potential ‘derailers’, we can look for solutions to overcome these. There is no greater learning than learning from our mistakes – in fact, we always learn more. Instead of just doing things the way you have always done them, reflecting encourages skill development and effectiveness evaluation. It involves asking yourself constructive questions about what you do and why you do it and deciding if there is a better way to do it in the future. Understanding our own responses and behaviors enables us to interact more effectively, make wiser decisions, and overcome obstacles. It involves challenging your limiting beliefs, allowing yourself to be open to vulnerability, and developing a new mindset of being at ease in uncomfortable situations. What is your Achilles heel? We can't change or grow unless we challenge the status quo. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #friday #Achilles #achillesheel #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy

Bob and Amy have been married for five years. He had to go into the office early and was required to stay late, it’s been a long day. On the drive home, Bob is trying to clear his mind of work clutter, because he is ready to get home and feel the comfort of his family. Upon his arrival, Amy meets him with the statement, “you are late!” He immediately flares back, “I've been working all day, and this is the way I get greeted?” She retorts “Well, why didn't you call?” He knows that this is escalating but he takes the bait anyway and an argument ensues. Both wanted a pleasant evening, but now emotions have escalated and that's not possible. The evening ends with neither feeling appreciated nor that their feelings matter at all. What a common situation. If you listen intently beneath the words, you hear an entirely different message. Hearing the words, you are late, can be translated into I was missing you. I was worried that something could have happened to you. I wanted to feel your presence. Can you now hear the compliment beneath the words? “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” —Peter Drucker She wanted to see him, she was missing him, and concerned about him which is positive and complimentary. She did not say any of that though and he surely did not hear it. If Amy had recognized her heightened emotions, she could have talked about herself instead of him. She could have said, “I was concerned about you, I was missing you, and wanted to see you and hear your voice.” Their connection could have turned out very differently. It would have been easier for him to listen beneath the words if he hadn't been overly emotional about his difficult day and possibly other things that were threatening to him and taking up his attention. If he could have heard that she was missing him, was excited to see him, or wanted to feel his presence or if she could have said those words about herself, the evening could have turned out the way they both wanted. Listening beneath the words, looking for compliments in disguise, takes a great sense of self-control and humility. Talking about yourself when your emotions are high can produce a highly effective result. You can do it and the results are amazing! Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Scroll down to sign up and publish your comments. Click "Sign Up" and log in with "your" email and password. You will receive a confirmation email to ensure it is you and avoid any discrepancies. Once you are signed up you will not have to sign up again, only log in if necessary. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #bettereveryday #blindspots #counselingworks #leadershipdevelopment #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #compliments #PeterDrucker #relationshiptips #marriageandfamilytherapy