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I think we have all been there, our son, daughter, or someone we care about comes to us and says, “I am not smart enough!”, “I am not pretty.” “I can’t do anything right!” And before they can even get the words out, we are like, “Oh yes you are! You are the smartest young man I know!” or “You are very pretty.” “You can do it and you will!” We grab at the low-hanging fruit thinking “I got this!” and in our haste to make them feel better, we do the opposite. We invalidate their emotions and tell them they are wrong about how they feel. When someone says they are not smart, pretty, handsome, good enough, or right, it is because in their mind; they are very troubled, frustrated, or may even have a logical example that backs up their statement. They are not wanting to be changed. They are expressing what they feel now and reaching out for connection. I had always assumed they needed me to step in and make it right. Not so, they are wanting to be heard, understood, and do not want to be told what to do. They are needing to hear their voice. They are attempting to reduce anxiety and stress by talking it out. What I choose in this situation goes a long way to determine who they are, how they see themselves, and what direction things will go. The more they can talk about what is going on inside, the better they begin to understand themselves. Ask gently curious questions to help them. "How long have you been thinking this way?" "What else can you tell me about this?" "What do you need from me?" Gently curious questions provoke them to seek and process what they are facing. We must remember that this is not the time to debate their feelings but to encourage and support them, to drill down and help them identify what they are experiencing. After the conversation has ended, I suggest waiting a minimum of two hours, then going to them and asking a question like, “Remember when you said you were not handsome, would it be okay if I did not agree with that?” Letting time pass fosters connection; now they can hear what they could not hear earlier, which will very likely dispel some of the anxiety they experienced. I have to remind myself; that safe listening, ‘gently curious’ questions and time are keys to helping others alleviate anxiousness, allowing them to hear who they are. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #guardyourheart #takecontrolofyourlife #counselingworks #emotionalmaturity #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #personaldevelopment #changeyourmindset #inspirationalwords #selfawarenessispower #communicationiskey #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #anxietyrelief #anxietyisreal

Repeat phrases often enough and they will become true; don’t major on your minuses. This is “automatic” negative self-talk. “Yeah, but I….” “If only I.…” “I am such a (negative)….” “I’ll never….” Having pejorative thoughts about ourselves produces limiting beliefs that create blind spots. Sometimes we drowned in negative thoughts that affect us externally without even noticing. When we internalize negative comments from others, it is like the story of the frog in a boiling pot, the more negative things we tolerate, the more they become the things we begin to believe. “It’s not what happens, it’s what you do about it.” —Jim Rohn You must remember that the hard days are what make you stronger. Without the bad days, you don’t realize what a good day is. If you never had any struggles, you would never have felt a sense of accomplishment! Identify 100 good things about you and write them down. When you fill your self-talk up with so many positives, you start to employ them in your life. Now create a mantra that is inspiring. A mantra is a positive statement that can help you to challenge and overcome the minuses. It is a breath prayer that is repeated over and over when you find yourself entertaining your minuses. When you repeat these good things and believe them, you can start making major changes. “I am beautiful, loving, caring, and intellectual.” “I am courageous, committed, generous, and passionate.” "Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, I get stronger and more resilient." “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the plane takes off against the wind, not with it.” —Henry Ford Consider just how extraordinary you are. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #staypositive #keeptalking #mantras #leadershipcoaching #jimrohn #froginapot #mentorship #resilience #communicationiskey

Go big or go home. We have all heard it, tried it, or failed at it. Truth be told too many times when you "go big or go home" you often end up at home. I see it in my office often, people convince themselves that massive success requires massive action. Instead of taking it one step at a time, they force themselves into unrealistic improvements believing it will get them there faster. This is the tortoise and hare story. People who have achieved greatness have learned a crucial lesson: take tiny steps. While taking tiny steps may seem like a passive way to achieve a goal, doing so actually entails sticking to the processes and making the necessary efforts to achieve them. Most failures are not the result of a lack of willpower or courage, but a lack of consistency. All these tiny steps are held together by consistency which results in success. “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” —Mark Twain I am stuck until I change myself. [BLIND SPOT] Changing your actions and behaviors to change your habits is a deliberate and strategic approach that provides you with the prescription you need to make major changes that will impact you for the rest of your life. The "Weekly Display" worksheet will guide you through the process of changing your actions and behaviors in order to change your habits. On this worksheet, you will write in what goal or goals you want to attain at the top of the sheet, then identify activities you can do each day to direct your efforts towards reaching the goal. These activities could be measured in hours, minutes, miles, pounds, pages read, or any other things that you would like to measure. Set a goal of how many times per week you would like to perform this activity. Break this small goal into daily activities. Review your activities each morning and each evening, and log your results. Be as realistic as possible with the results. This is not to give yourself a grade, it is just to see how you are doing and correct your course if needed. At the end of the week, summarize your achieved results and compare them to your weekly goal. Follow up with these questions…what worked well this week, what didn’t work well, and what do I want to focus on next week? This is a great way to track your progress and hold yourself accountable. The “Weekly Display” is the best key, I have found, to focus on changing habits and creating new ones. I would like to challenge you to download it and get started. Remember, tiny steps consistently over time lead to success. I cannot wait to hear what you accomplish. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #leadershipcoaching #mentorship #communicationiskey #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey #emotionalintelligence #tortoiseandhare #smallstepseveryday #smallstepstobigchange #smallstepstosuccess #gobigorgohome #consistencyiskey #familytherapy #bettereveryday #slowdown

My friend Paula made this comment on the “Blame” post: “This is a great one! Would you please do a blind spot post on defensiveness? While reading this (post on Blame), I imagined addressing the blame issue with someone, but they might get very defensive, and bringing a blind spot to someone's attention might go awry. And maybe my own, trauma-driven, response to having to always defend myself, ha-ha. If someone brought to my attention a blind spot, I might have a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness.” Yes, Paula! This is a very worthwhile quandary. How do you get someone to see their blind spots? Remember, blind spots are the things that are said or done that cause others to feel pushed away from us. To make someone aware that they are causing us to experience something harsh or unpleasant is a delicate task. Defensiveness comes when you want to point out a blind spot and the other feels attacked and denies the accusation, they try to defend themselves from feeling angry, hurt, or ashamed when they perceive the other as critical. They have difficulty with “constructive criticism” and may mistakenly take it as a perceived threat. Anyone can be provoked by a personal issue that causes them to have a defensive reaction. Most of us want to hear good things about ourselves and when we hear negative things, it puts us into a recoil state. Defensive behavior triggers people’s fight, flight, or freeze response, which is generated by the reptilian brain. Receiving criticism can be very challenging, especially if there is any possibility of low confidence or shame. It is hard to hear what I call “negative feedback” as loving and caring. It does not draw you closer, and it's mostly heard as nagging, complaining, demeaning, or belittling. Just remember in any relationship, one size does not fit all. What works for one person may not work for another. It is imperative that you stay agile as you work to get your point across. Listening and remaining calm are valuable resources in a defensive situation. But don’t relent, if you relent, it is much more difficult to go back and restart the process and if you submit to it, it will continue to haunt both of you. To help someone overcome a blind spot means that you want to help them create an opportunity to connect and be close as opposed to creating distance. It creates an opening where both people benefit and win. The magic question is, “How do I get this idea across without creating a threat?” The objective is to be able to develop an offering that would reduce fear and start a line of communication. Let’s look at a situation where someone has just been told they are controlling. What they may hear is that they are being blamed for being controlling “all the time.” But when they reflect on their past, they realize how frequently they have given in without receiving recognition for it. At this moment, anxiety overrides intellect making it challenging to absorb this remark. “You” statements come across negatively, putting others more on the defense. Often in my practice, I hear these statements. “You are controlling.” “You never listen.” “You are getting loud.” “You are being mean.” These are “igniting” statements and when you are trying to create an environment where there are no defensive knee-jerk reactions, these are best avoided. Making statements that are directed toward "you" helps diffuse tension and makes the other less defensive. “I am feeling pushed away.” “I want something better for us.” “I want to feel safe in your presence.” “I want to feel special again.” Making the statement, “I'm in a double bind here, I’m danged if I do and danged if I don’t. I am afraid it will upset you if I tell you I am offended. If I don't tell you I'm offended, I'm afraid you'll continue to offend me, and it will cause more and more problems down the road.” You are “asking” them to join you in this dilemma and collectively work through this issue. Being inviting is the key. In healthy relationships, one partner does not want the other to be in a bind and will do whatever is necessary to relieve the pressure. In a defensive situation, emotional maturity—being able to recognize and control your own emotions and have the capacity to identify the others’ emotional state and respond effectively—is highly valuable. If I make a suggestion and they do not respond amicably, I must keep out of any argument and try to rephrase the statement or request in a way that will diffuse the situation. If this process takes too long, perhaps professional assistance is required. The ideal situation is not to allow blind spots to exist, because if they continue it will be the downfall of the relationship. Being able to offer empathy and respect to those around you will also go a long way to avoiding the trap of defensiveness. Great question Paula, I pray this was helpful. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #bettereveryday #counselingworks #staypositive #keeptalking #leadershipcoaching #mentorship #resilience #communicationiskey #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey #defensivenessbuildswalls #defensiveness #blame #constructivecriticism #emotionalintelligence