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Is it survival or just a discussion? Robin and Ralph are discussing the delicate subject of budget. It is usually a hot topic for them, and this time is no different. As the conversation continues, emotions begin to flare. What will happen here? Will it end in anger or disappointment? When you are in a tense situation trying to defend your position and start to feel yourself losing ground, it is easy to get loud, stand up, and present yourself as powerfully as possible. You talk over others and correct their point of view. If they push back, you try to prove to them you are right. The more anxious the conversation becomes; the worse things will get. In situations of high stress, fear, or distrust, the 'executive functions’ that help you with advanced thought processes, like strategy, trust building, and compassion, shut down. The 'reptilian brain' takes over to protect itself—in cases of shame and loss of power associated with being wrong, we default to one of these responses: fight (engage), flight (escape), freeze (disengage). The fight, flight or freeze response is the body's built-in response mechanism whenever anxiety-provoking situations present themselves. It has to do with survival. I was conditioned to resort to fighting. If someone had told me that I was out of control under these circumstances, I would have gotten angry with them and argued that was not the case. If you did not respond to my satisfaction, I would act as though you did not hear me and repeat the same thing even louder. [BLIND SPOT] At the end of the day, all I can do is change my reaction, response, and behavior to de-escalate the situation. Picture yourself in the situation described earlier with Robin and Ralph. How would you want to handle it today? Keep looking for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #reptilianbrain #survivalmode #fightflightfreeze #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Where is my thinking? It is easy to get caught up in today’s news. The world, government, politics, and polarization on these important topics can poison us and push us toward negative thinking. Who are the bad guys today? What are they doing to cause my clan aggravation? It is easy for us to put our 2 cents in and contribute to the problems, justifying our position by stirring up chaos but not contributing to any solutions or contributions to create opportunities for connection. When I blame, I do not need to change. It is the other at fault and not me. The struggle here is that I cannot change the other, so I am stuck unless I look at changing myself to see if I can influence a situation and make it better. My thinking rules my day, my mood, and my relationships. Am I a victim, or am I responsible for what I am thinking? What do I feed my mind? Is it wholesome, healthy stuff, or is it toxic? I was talking to a mom and her 17-year-old son. Mom was concerned about his mild depression, and he was worried about his next steps in life. He was about to graduate, go to college and had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years. Both had legitimate concerns that were weighing down their thinking. The circumstances were not going to change, but what they were feeding their brain could. As we looked at their situation, we decided that they could look for uplifting things in life. We began to talk about examples they could use. Mom talked about their dog, who could sense her son’s low mood and would come over and nose him or lay at his feet. He talked about just the two of them going to get ice cream together. Mom talked about him helping the elderly neighbor last weekend. They spoke about the time they were looking at old pictures and taking a wonderful trip down memory lane. The idea evolved that they would work together, and each day identify a wonderful uplifting gift of God. It might be a sunset or some act of kindness or love they witnessed. It might be one of the acts of their fantastic dog. Mom had given him a journal for Christmas, and they decided to make his journal their gratitude journal. Each evening they would both contribute at least one gift from God that was eventful and memorable. This process would go on for one month, and then they would reassess to see if it was bringing in fresh thoughts that were replacing some negatives. Time will tell if this works but I sure like the idea. Where is your thinking? Can you see how what we feed our brains runs our life? I will be looking for the good stuff, not the toxic. What will you choose to fill your incredible mind? After all, it is your choice. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

What story am I telling myself about a situation or grievance? We are great at telling stories to ourselves. I can write novels when I'm worried, feel threatened or feel out of control. I can spin myself up telling stories, especially when I don't share them with others. When I am telling myself stories, it is next to impossible for someone to be able to know my story unless I share it with them. If I don't tell them, it is easy for them to misinterpret my mood or attitude. I talk to many couples who are telling themselves stories and not sharing them with the other. Often, I ask the question when one is looking perplexed, sad, or troubled, "What story are you telling yourself?" Generally, the first time I asked that question, the answer I hear is, "what story?" It is easy to not recognize that we are telling ourselves a story and acting as if the story we are telling is true. If I am irritated about something with another and do not tell them, there is no way to calm my anxiety. They may assume something else is going on, and now we are not about to connect. The ‘assumption’ is the root of so many couple or work relationship issues. It is easy not to recognize the story we tell ourselves because it is so natural to have conversations in our minds that we don't share. It's like telling a fish they're in water. Telling our story is a significant part of healthy communication. Telling makes our relationships rich and whole, understanding and connecting. I'm in trouble when I assume I know what another is thinking. When I ask, I am enlightened. If I think someone is upset or angry with me, I might tell myself that story and act as though my story is true. They could be feeling ill, troubled, or thinking about something they haven't shared with me that has nothing to do with me. Check it out. It deserves clarification. Otherwise, I'm acting or reacting and showing up in a mood or attitude that doesn't fit the script. Misreading or misinterpreting someone's mood or attitude is easy when I am not asking the question. I've seen emotional and physical distance because someone thinks they know what the other has going on in their mind. [Blind Spot] This distance can happen in families or can occur in the professional world. It is essential, for healthy communication, that one is aware of the other's thinking. It's easy to overlook this critical part of communication. If it's not recognized, it will cause tremendous misunderstanding. I was talking to a young man who needed help with his work team and his boss. There was a considerable amount of turmoil and frustration going on in their team. The young man was taking the boss's frustration and attitude out on himself, thinking the boss was upset with him because the project was not going well. (Notice what story he was telling himself) This caused the young man to feel bad about his contribution to the team. The morale of the team was deteriorating. This experience went on with the young man for over a week when he contacted me, and we set up a meeting with his boss. During the discussion, the boss indicated that he was upset with himself because the project was not going well. (Notice what story the boss was telling himself) He did not realize that the young man and others on the team were feeling bad and blaming themselves because the project was off the rails. When the boss could tell the story he was telling himself, it quickly reduced the team's anxiety. The boss's story was, "I'm not a good boss, and the results prove it. I'm afraid this will reflect on my performance." Once they shared their stories, it brought understanding and productivity back to the team. This situation is typical. It illustrates what happens when we attempt to read each other's minds and don't share what is going on with each other. I love to ask these questions: What are we not talking about that we need to be talking about? What story are you telling yourself about this situation? Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. Get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #untoldstories #storytellers #storiesmatter #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration

Too many times, I hear the words, “I have given until I can give no more. My relationship has evolved into a one-way street. I can no longer do this. I want out.” Ouch! These words come from generous people who enjoy giving and making others “happy”, but it is easy to lose sight of who is in charge of our happiness. You are headed down a long road of disappointment if you make yourself responsible for other people's happiness. It is wonderful to be around people who are true givers. These are folks who are emotionally mature. In order to avoid becoming emotionally entangled with others, they can gauge their own mood as well as the mood of others. True giving comes from the heart and soul, it is paying it forward or giving when others have no idea where it came from. Giving to make others happy, on the other hand, can lead to bitterness and resentment. “After all I have done for you…and you treat me this way.” I've seen givers “give out” and say, "I can't go any further," and then be told, "What's wrong, you used to do all these great things, and now you're going to stop?" This sometimes causes the giver to reach even deeper to find more energy to continue giving, only to be disappointed later. It’s a fine line to walk, knowing when giving out of abundance becomes giving out of poverty or deficit. There must be a method for replenishing and refueling givers, because if they don’t, they give out. If givers do not learn to teach others to give back, they will leave. It's not about giving in equal amounts, but rather about giving back in a way that keeps the “giving dynamic” going. There is no set time frame for giving out. Givers can give out right away or I have seen it take decades. The longer this deficit continues, the more difficult it is for positive change to happen. Becoming resentful, discouraged, distant, or feeling taken advantage of are just a few of the clues that you may be giving too much. And Parents, giving too much can stifle a child's development. The line is thin, and every child is different, but knowing when you're helping or hurting out of giving is important. Giving feels wonderful but sometimes givers find it difficult to receive. Failure to allow someone to give back not only robs them of that good feeling, but also teaches them that you do not want to be a receiver. Giving and receiving in relationships is the cement that keeps relationships healthy. Elizabeth Gilbert said she will never stop being a giver but, “…as much as humanly possible these days, I try not to give anymore until it hurts. Instead, I only give until it helps.” If you are a giver, are you getting replenished? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #gratitude #happiness

How will it end? I like to read my friend's letters when they are giving an account of the past year. It is wonderful to see what they accomplished, where they have been, and all the things that they celebrated. What if you write your 2023 letter recap this week. What?! You might say…go to the end of December '23 and look back in your mind and write the future?! Seems out of place, out of your normal rhythm. But I believe it has the potential to be fun, inspiring, and impactful. Sure, it can be both difficult and exciting to start today and write your story as if you've already gotten to your destination. Think about your goals, dreams, and desires for 2023? This requires you to imagine yourself in late December 2023, looking back on the year to see what you've accomplished. Many years ago, I was the head of a committee that was commissioned to be active for one year. At the first meeting I challenged each member to write a letter. It was to say what they had contributed to the challenges ahead. At the final meeting of the year, these individually sealed messages were to be opened and read aloud. This letter was not to put members on the spot, but to challenge them to stay on top of their commitments. Wow, it kept us on our toes all year long. While some were quite proud of their forecast, others felt a little embarrassed. We all work in context of annual goals, a 12-month execution cycle. In January, we believe we have plenty of time to complete our tasks; similarly, in March, May, and August. Then, October arrives, and we feel the pinch and get extremely motivated to accomplish our tasks because YIKES it’s the end of the year. In the book, 12 Week Year by P. Morgan and Michael Lennington, they redefine your “year” to be 12 weeks long. In 12 weeks, there just isn’t enough time to get complacent, and urgency increases and intensifies. The 12 Week Year creates focus and clarity on what matters most. If we have short term goals and objectives, they come due sooner and procrastination gets challenged earlier, more of the important stuff gets done and the impact on results is profound. Have you ever heard this statement. “If I don't know where I'm going the world will tell me.” Will I be propelled by my own movement and rudder, or will I drift down life’s stream like a wandering stick? I'm dedicated to achieving my goals. I want to put my desires in writing and make them a reality. I want my rudder to lead me toward a predetermined destination, and my courage and zeal to serve as my driving force as I advance. I want to avoid getting caught in the perilous eddies of life and being thrown off course. I love the question, “what or how many by when?” It is a specific challenge that motivates me to look ahead with a strategic and intentional approach. Not only do I want to accomplish something, but I also want to do it on a specific date. I like the idea of living in the present moment and anticipating what lies ahead in life. They work in harmony, in my opinion. That’s how I see their connection, which is what makes my life work. How will your 2023 end? Go on write your letter now and put it in an envelope and look forward to reading it at the end of the year. Are you up for the challenge? Let’s refuse to let the year get away from us. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #newyear2023 #future

Oh, the trap of starting New Year's resolutions. It can be a setup for failure. They once were more popular. I can recall the time they were truly important and exciting in my younger years. Among the most popular New Year's resolutions are lose weight, exercise, earn/save more money, improve diet, read more books, take better care of oneself, have a happy attitude, and many other things. Looking forward to a new year with a fresh start can make it more exhilarating and revitalizing. It has been my previous experience that if I stay focused on all my resolutions for more than 2 to 3 weeks that I have exceeded my previous attempts. New Year's resolutions are exciting to begin with, but then they lose their luster as the excitement wears off. Change is hard. Breaking old habits and establishing new ones can be exhausting but even today I still like the idea of starting new resolutions. Wow, this is a lot, but I am inspired and ready to run fresh out of the starting gate to take on this new year, 2023, in fine fashion. I have found if I look at just two or three things that are important to me to accomplish over the next three to four months, I can quantify them into an attainable goal. This keeps me from the trap of becoming discouraged because I do not see results quickly. For me success comes by changing a few small actions or behaviors daily instead of giant steps. These small changes help create new habits. And a change of habit is the consequence of small and deliberate actions or behavior changes that are quite simple to implement and to track my results. Look at the following objectives. OBJECTIVE: To lose weight I need to change my eating habits. In order to do this, I will stop eating lunch in a restaurant and begin taking a healthy lunch to eat at work. Now I monitor this by counting the number of days that I take my lunch. With an objective of five days, I can see how I ended the week. I may not see any weight change, but I am working on a method that will cause it to happen. I experience daily success even though I might not have lost 1 pound. OBJECTIVE: To read more books, I need to change my reading habits. I need to identify how many pages I need to read per week, then break those pages down into daily quotas and track my progress. You can see how this works over time. Remember I am working on a method that will cause it to happen. Slow and resolute wins the race. Because it can take weeks to start seeing the results of the goals I want to attain. But if I will continue taking small steps and monitor them, I will see the wins and I win weekly when I tally up my results and compare them to my objective. To help me track my progress, I use the weekly display, which enables me to examine and assess how I am progressing toward my target on a daily and weekly basis. You can get your weekly display form by clicking the link jerrydclark.com/weeklydisplay to download. For both me and others, this is an incredibly motivating and helpful exercise. There is fruit in establishing resolutions. Are your resolutions resolute? Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. Get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #newyear2023 #newyear #newyearseve #newyearseve2023 #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration

I get the opportunity to work with wonderful people. Many have blind spots chipping away at their future success and happiness. Blind spots frequently show themselves in harmful ways at home and work. Why? Because we struggle to understand others or ourselves when our perspective is clouded. It makes it more challenging to frame our interactions and behaviors logically. It quickly leads to misunderstandings, anger, disrespect, and isolation, none of which are healthy outcomes in professional or personal relationships. I like to say, "Practicing gratitude exposes these destructive, often invisible forces." Learning to be grateful will put you in a different emotional state, with intellect up and anxiety down. Without gratitude, we find ourselves in a negative emotional loop, making the blind spots worse. Gratitude releases two chemicals in the brain. It gives us a shot of dopamine and a swig of serotonin. Dopamine gives us a positive feeling and motivates us to achieve academic, personal, or professional goals. Serotonin improves our motivation, willpower, and mood. Gratitude improves your life overall by altering your viewpoint and way of thinking. Let's begin this practice of gratitude now. As soon as you wake up, express your gratitude, appreciation, and thankfulness, releasing those positive brain chemicals. The negative thought patterns will decrease, and the blind spots will diminish. "I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." —GK Chesterton We can focus on the positive or the negative, as we've already discussed, choosing the positive will improve everything else in your life and those around you. Typically, there will be times you will sink back into your old patterns of behavior. Don't beat yourself up but adjust. Give attention to where you want to go, not where you've been. Let's be grateful and eliminate the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #gratitude #happiness

Yesterday I sat in church for our Christmas morning service. It was a festive service. There were many bible passages read forecasting the birth of Jesus and then in the New Testament announcing his birth. There were Christmas carols and beautiful choir singing. All of this was very spiritual to me. Then I began watching a family to my left in front. It was a young mom and dad with three children, about 8, 6, and 4. The dad reverently prompted the children to stand during the singing. He pointed to the words as his older son sang from the hymnal, especially when they changed lines. The younger boy sat with his mom. At times he was in his seat, then in her lap, and sometimes on the floor. None of his activities took away her beautiful smile nor did she allow it to interfere with her worship. She showed love to all three of them with her hands and warm facial expressions. She would hold the smaller boy’s hands then he held hers. It was all orchestrated in such a loving rhythm. As the mother stood holding the younger son, he hugged her so lovingly that the people behind her felt the same warm feeling I did. He had a Match Box car, and I was fascinated at his demeanor as he drove the little car on the floor, his seat, his mom’s arm, and any other place he could use for a racetrack. I wanted to take a picture of them but did not want to be an intruder. I closed my eyes, paused to absorb, and took a mental picture that I can recall at any time. At the conclusion, I went over to talk to them. They were so humble and said they had been blessed with wonderful children. It reminded me of my mom and all the sacrifices she made to give us the love and direction we needed. She was also a good disciplinarian. I received far more spankings than I deserved. Maybe I have that backward. I believe that mothers don't receive enough praise for all the sacrifices they make, including acting as a nurse, teacher, disciplinarian, and providing cuddles, care, love, and generosity. I am not a mother, so there are probably not enough words to adequately convey what mothers do. It is so easy to focus on the negative news stories we hear daily. This encounter has reminded me that wonderful stories are being told all around me. It is up to me to spot them, learn from them, and savor them. I understand that not everyone has had the same experiences with their family and mother. I hope this allows you to tell the story you want people to speak about you as a mom and dad. It is never too late to start. There are plenty of blind spots around us; watch for them. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #safelistening #listening #listen

Sometimes the strangest things can give us the best answers. It’s just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past ten years or so. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas–oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it–overspending…the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma—the gifts given in desperation because you couldn’t think of anything else. Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together which was a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler’s ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn’t acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, “I wish just one of them could have won,” he said. “They have a lot of potential but losing like this could take the heart right out of them.” Mike loved kids – all kids – and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That’s when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition–one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn’t end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing to take down the envelope. Mike’s spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us. Watch for the blind spots. Story courtesy of WWW.whiteenvelopeproject.org Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. Get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration

What an honorable thing to do. After all, The Big Play Book says, "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Matthew 5:39 Taken out of contents, this can lead to difficulties in relationships. I see this verse, taken at times, as if I have to give in at every turn. Sometimes I call it being too nice. Givers can give into bitterness. Giving too much teaches others that we are always ready and willing to help them in any familiar capacity. When others point out that we were once very giving and now we are not, we tap into any and all available adrenaline or internal capacity to give even more. When that is depleted, we refuse or are unable to continue. The previously veiled difficulty in the relationship now becomes obvious. A giver decides not to continue when they are exhausted and do not feel fed or nourished. This can lead to a relationship ending in some cases. The capacity to give is unique to every person. The ones who have a great sense of self, seem to have a greater sense of giving. Giving out of richness and not poverty is also an important factor. What a wonderful thing it is to give within healthy limits. Determining what your healthy limits are can be difficult. I heard the saying, "If it’s not a Hell Yes, it’s a Hell No." I kind of like that. Sometimes I have given too much and didn’t recognize that it was contributing to bitterness. I am amazed at the number of people who fall casualty to this characteristic. It looks so good and sometimes creates a great feeling, but it can be catastrophic in relationships. Balance is the key. Feeling great about who you are in the presence of the one you love is a wonderful experience. It is a wonderful litmus test for any relationship. Givers must set great boundaries because takers have none. I hear these classic stories of givers who attempt to tell the other they are not getting the recognition or appreciation they feel they deserve. When the relationship erodes and the giver finally says, "I've had enough and I'm out of here," the standard response I hear is, "Why didn't you tell me?" and the typical answer to this is “I have been telling you for years, but you don't listen.” I can’t count the number of times I have heard this. Then blame seems to permeate the conversation. I say that both are culpable here. The sender of the message is responsible to see that the receiver hears the message clearly. The receiver is to hear it in a way that does not include, rationalizing, minimizing, or justifying the information. Sometimes additional assistance is needed to break this circular conversation. Turning the other cheek can sometimes be very appropriate. Other times it teaches others we can be mistreated or misused. I like to give as long as it feels good. The minute the slightest amount of bitterness appears, I must reorient myself. I do not want to be mad at me. How about you, can you be at fault of giving too much? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. If you need the perfect stocking stuffer, get a copy of my book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #turntheothercheek #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #fridayinspiration

Continuing our conversation from the post on Monday, “Safe Listening,” combined with gently curious questions softly probe thoughts and ideas causing others to learn more about themselves while you are also gaining information. These types of questions allow you to drill down and get a deeper understanding of the circumstances that may be contributing to one’s emotional distress. An emotional person cannot hear facts. I say that when someone is hurt, frustrated, confused, or at their wits end, the best way to connect is not to give them information to try to fix their situation. It is best to first connect with them emotionally by engaging with gently curious questions. Empathy can be the best way of connecting and defusing an issue with them in this emotional state. Generally, when an emotional person presents their issue with a sense of anxiety, it seems the cultural approach is to “fix them.” This is the last thing they are looking for and can cause more anxiety. As their anxiety rises, so will yours, and if you're not careful, an argument will ensue that will usually not address the original one's anxiety and will cause distance in the conversation and thus the relationship. Someone says, “I am not smart, or I am dumb,” our cultural response is, “You are so smart, or No you’re not dumb.” Notice how easy it is to interpret their statement as “they” are wrong. Now they can feel confused, frustrated, and wrong. The idea is to gently come along side of them in conversation, so they can talk more about their emotional energy rather than hear my attempt to fix them. Let me stop here and say that in my way of thinking, asking “why” is not gently curious. Why can mean prove to me and I bet you can’t. Why can be loaded with so much energy behind it that no answer can cause connection or diffuse the energy generated by it. Example: “Why are you late”, or “Why didn’t you return my call?" These are 'why' questions are repelling and not attracting. “Help me understand?” or “How come?” These are great gently curious questions. Opening with these questions will connect you rather than starting with the “Why.” Additional questions could be, “What else can you tell me about this?” “What is not being said that needs to be said about this issue?” “What do you need from me?” Do not challenge the answers to any gently curious questions immediately, this will allow you to drill down and generate another gently curious question. Example: The issue is, “I’m not very smart.” Dad: How long have you been thinking that way? Son: Since my last look at my grades. Dad: What did your grades tell you? Son: That I have all c’s and one b. I know you don’t think I’m smart. Dad: How come you don’t think I think you are smart? (notice, I didn’t respond and disagree) Son: Because my grades are down. Dad: Do you think I love you if your grades are down? Son: No. Dad: How come? (again, I didn’t challenge their wrong impression of me) Son: Because you are always asking about my grades. Dad: How can I support you without asking about your grades? Son: I don’t know, maybe just help me when I need it. Dad: I can do that. Now, I wait a minimum of 2 hrs. and return and ask, “Remember when you said that you were not smart, would it be okay if I disagree with that, (another gently curious question) I think you are very smart. It is easier for them to hear my disagreement or my compliment after their anxiety recedes. These and other gently curious questions can foster connection, allowing you to return to the person later and share some of your thoughts and ideas. You will not connect as well if you offer advice or attempt to fix too soon. Employ these gently curious questions and look for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #safelistening #listening #listen

I was talking to a single mom many years ago. She reported that her15-year-old daughter told her everything. She knew, who was doing drugs, drinking alcohol, skipping school, sneaking out at night, and so many other things going on in her daughter's life. I was amazed at her honesty with her mom and immediately began to think about when my sons were 15. Had they even told me their friends were smoking cigarettes, I would have said, “I better not catch you smoking cigarettes. I better not catch you with a lighter or matches.” Ouch! I can see why my boys would never feel safe telling me anything. This goes to show you how we are all at different levels of parenting skills and emotional maturity. I didn’t want my boys to smoke or be around others who did, but the way I expressed it caused them to disconnect with me verbally and emotionally. This was a huge blind spot for me. I wanted nothing but the best for my boys but was very inept at providing the kind of discipline they needed. My idea of discipline was punishing, not teaching and molding. Ouch! I started thinking about what I might do to learn how to be a safer listener. I needed to receive important information about what is happening in the lives of others who mean so much to me. I typically learned the things I needed to know after the fact rather than at a time when I might be able to ward off a problem. I learned that safe listening involves self-control. This means, not allowing my emotions to override the way I process what I am hearing. Here is a short list of self-assessment questions I use today that enable me to be a safer listener. Do I interrupt? Am I too quick to give advice and cut the speaker off? Do I tell hero stories? Do they feel important when speaking to me? Do they feel intimidated or afraid of me? Do they feel safe to disagree? Do I demonstrate that their voice is important to me? Do I talk too much or not talk enough? Do I embarrass or shame them in any way? Every relationship is at a different stage of communication, trust, and intimacy. These questions are key to becoming a better spouse, friend, parent or neighbor, they are life-changing. A little pre-planning before a conversation can cause a much deeper conversation. The more we talk to connect, the closer and more trusting relationships we build. Once you put these self-assessment questions into practice, it is easy to see how gently curious questions follow safe listening and enhance communications, understanding and connection. Gently curious questions will be revealed in Wednesday’s blog. Stay tuned and watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #safelistening #listening #listen