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I know I need to do these things. Why can't I do what I say I want to do? What is getting in the way? I know it would be good for me, but I have yet to get to it. I want to improve my health, read more books, find a new job, and many other things. If I accomplished these things, life would be more enjoyable for me. This reminds me of two concise anecdotes. Anecdote 1—There are two large 20-story buildings side by side, 15 feet apart with a man on the roof looking across to the other building. There is a 20-foot plank, 1 foot wide on the roof of the building where he is standing. He was asked if he would put the plank across and crawl over to the other building. He replied with a quick, "Heck no." Then he was asked, "If the adjacent building was on fire and your son or daughter was on the rooftop 15 feet from you, would you cross the plank to save them from the fire?” “That is a no-brainer,” he said. Anecdote 2—In a very mountainous country, two warring tribes lived in the same proximity. One lives up on the top of a very high and rugged mountain. The other lives in the valley below. The mountain terrain is so rough that the tribes seldom have any contact. One evening the mountain tribe came down and stole a small girl and took her back to the top of their mountain. The elders of the valley tribe prepared to rescue the young girl early the following day. They waited until daylight to begin the climb with all the ropes and ladders they could carry and started the treacherous climb to rescue the small girl. The terrain was so rugged and challenging that they made it only 500 feet up the 2500-foot slope on the first day. Tired and bewildered, they stopped for the night to rest, eat and prepare for the next day. The second day was worse than the first making it only 400 feet up the mountain. After two days of rugged climbing, they are only 1/3 up the mountain. Again, the group retired from the climb to rest, eat and recharge. The morning broke, and as they began to prepare their ropes and ladders, they saw movement up the mountain. As they stopped to see what was happening, they saw the mother of the small girl coming down the mountain with her stolen daughter in her arms. When you know the why the how becomes easy. What do you want? Why do you want it?Is the why worth the effort to go for it? What do you want to do that still needs to be done? What is holding you back? What is stopping your big dreams? If you genuinely want to accomplish something, ask why you want it. If your why is powerful, the how becomes a no-brainer. A good friend of mine is going through cancer treatment. Why? Because he has a lot of life ahead to live. He is attacking the treatment with a vengeance. Watch for the blind spots! Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

They were at a large gathering of friends and family. It was a spring outing, the weather was picturesque, there were lots of joyful people visiting and enjoying conversation. Ralph stood up and asked all to be quiet. He wanted to tell them about Robin. It took him a few seconds to gather his composure. He said, “We have been together a long time. I have been blessed with a companion that has stuck with me through thick and thin. She has always taken the best care of me even when I didn’t know she was doing it. Our children could not have asked for a better mom, one who is fair and with great expectations. She was a mentor to us all. I could count on her to have my back and she saved me many times even times where I was totally unaware. She is resourceful in every way.” Wow! What amazing words to hear. It hasn't always been this good between them, but this is what Ralph wanted to portray about Robin. Does the good outweigh the bad? It sounds like this is true for Ralph. Remember, people use their experience of us to find words to talk about us. When we consider the roles we play in our lives, we find that they are numerous. We are spouses, parents, siblings, peers, coworkers, neighbors, employees, employers, and countless others. What script are we writing for them to use? This is a great exercise in self-development. Imagine the things that you would like to hear other people say and then remember we write their script. This is good and bad news. Good that we can use it going forward yet bad that we may have written unpleasant scripts in the past. This allows us to look into the future and provide others with the experience we want them to use to talk about us. It is an unconscious idea that I think needs to be made conscious. It is important to identify the shortcomings, the resentments or things that are preventing the relationship to be in harmony and equally important to keep the compliments and good things spoken. I happened to ask the question last week to a young couple who were having communication problems, “If you were both 95 years old and you had one last parting comment to make to the other, what would you say?” He said, “It has been a great ride.” She said, “I’m glad I met you.” These words were spoken with such love and sincerity that they brought about a much-needed close experience, because the contents of their conversation before were contentious. It caused them to look at each other from a very different perspective. Are you writing the script you want to hear? What do you want to hear as your parting words when you are 95+years old? Watch for the blind spots! Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #marriage #marriagegoals #marriagematters #marriagecounseling #counseling #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

I can’t appreciate the good when I am focused on the bad. My friends Ralph and Robin were talking about their relationship. Both were majoring on each other’s minuses, that is focusing on the bad stuff. Blaming and rebuttal were pervasive. When one said something negative about the other, it was disregarded and met with an equal or more severe retort. You can see where this is going. Yes, it will end with very hurt feelings. Both will feel misunderstood, unheard, and resent each other even more. Does this sound familiar? The conversation degraded rapidly. The problem with a conversation like this is that it always ends with the "Achilles Heel comment." The showstopper. The statement that causes the emotions to hit a crescendo and the two walk away, with mumbling comments, “You’re a____________.” OUCH! It's a treacherous path to be able to share grievances in a way that leads to closeness. To get someone to hear what they don’t want to hear is sometimes so impossible that we give up. Little do we know that when we give up on this transaction, we are giving up on the relationship. It is so unapparent at the time and yet so predictable. It may take weeks, months, years, or even decades for this to occur. As I have posted before, this is where defensiveness, anger, and attack is spawned, and the crash occurs. Sharing grievances must be controlled so that it doesn’t get lost in the emotions. This is difficult and can sometimes be more effectively conveyed in written form. There must be some kind of buffer that doesn’t allow an automatic emotional response. It is so necessary to be clear about what is desired before this kind of conversation takes place. The more you can talk about yourself, the less charged the conversation will be. In my office, I slow the conversation down. I ask Robin to state one grievance about Ralph. Then I ask Ralph what he heard Robin say. If she thought, he heard her correctly then Ralph would state a grievance he had with Robin. Robin then repeats what she heard him say. If it was correct, she would continue with her next grievance. If Ralph did not think she heard it accurately he would restate it and Robin would say what she heard. This would be repeated until all of the grievances were properly expressed and heard. This is a controlled exercise and should be done under supervision. What makes this process effective is there is no discussion or explanation about a grievance. This is almost impossible without a mediator to keep them on track. The next step is to state what they appreciate about each other. This same process is repeated identifying good things about the other. It continues until all that they appreciate has been stated. It is amazing what happens when we can slow down the conversation so that each can feel heard. I believe two people in a healthy relationship do not want to do or say things that hurt the other. Some grievances are so significant that they cannot be overcome and are fatal to the relationship; however, airing their grievances can strengthen the relationship. It induces a resonant harmony that fuels understanding, joy, freedom, and connection. This shows the importance of identifying and removing the bad so that the good can be shared and appreciated. Are you looking for the good? If not, why not? Is majoring on each other’s minuses working for you and the relationship? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Once again Robin and Ralph find themselves struggling in their relationship. It appears every time there's a discussion, Ralph is in the wrong and feels terrible about himself. He seems to be unable to satisfy Robin, and she always seems to be one step ahead of him. Not being a mind reader, he’s having a terribly hard time keeping up with her thinking. He’s constantly apologizing and attempting to figure out how to live so that he does not cause problems for Robin. Interestingly enough, Robin is having problems with their oldest adult daughter. As a mother she doesn't do things right and it displeases Robin. Nothing that Robin suggests for parenting her grandchildren appears to be good enough for them. She understands that they should have a set schedule for bedtime, meals, electronics, and everything else that comes with being a child. Robins’ frustration keeps her daughter exasperated, she seldom calls and is unavailable when Robin tries to get in touch with her. To add to this, she is perplexed because Ralph comes home late, finds things to do without her on the weekends and she tells him this not healthy for their marriage. Always being “right” in relationships can be deadly to its existence. If one must feel right, the other gets to be wrong. No one likes to lose the preponderance of the time. Self-righteousness is a blind spot that causes us to ignore our own flaws while imposing our own way of thinking and morality on others. This comes off as annoying to others and causes defensiveness. It creates a “holier than thou” inequity. This is an extremely repelling behavior. So how do you deal with being self-righteous? First, you must be able to hear feedback from others. Second, recognize that your conversation is causing others to feel uncomfortable. Thirdly, understand that doing this makes people want to leave your presence. This is not easy to hear and even more difficult to admit and change. Here are a few tips: Study and show empathy. Watch out for being judgmental. Listen intently to others. If you must be assertive, show humility. Identify your own biases. Robin’s desire to help and guide others is not bad. Her life knowledge and wisdom have served her well, but it is upsetting to others when they do not understand the purpose of her comments and advice. Great advise can be discounted if it is not spoken in a gentle and caring manner. When Robin can impart her knowledge and be humble, she will be viewed in a totally different way. The goal for Robin is to be respected for her insight rather than be perceived as someone who spews their expertise on others. Self-righteousness is extremely repelling and is difficult to accept. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #alwaysright #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #selfrighteous #KnowItAll #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

Ralph and George are talking in the coffee shop about a coworker who has cuts on her wrists. Without any concrete knowledge, they are speculating about what must be happening in her life. Regardless of the reason behind the cutting, she is not portrayed favorably to them. The speculation or stories they are telling themselves become their truths and they will spread these stories whether true or not. Because it is presented as truth now it becomes easy to share their conversation about her with others; sometimes intentional and other times it is just getting caught up in the culture of conversation. Gossip—that casual or unrestrained conversation or report about other people without their knowledge. It is generally derogatory and typically involves information that is unconfirmed. Gossip can spread rapidly and cover a large number of people in a very short time. It can be rumors or facts; either way, they are harmful to those to whom they are about. Gossip is a reputation thief. It can destroy a person’s self-confidence and lead to other mental crisis such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and a host of others. Gossipers ruin reputations, alienate friends, and can produce forms of social aggression. Gossipers can be seen as untrustworthy assassins of character. It is important to remember that the people who spread gossip about others are the ones who will also spread gossip and rumors about you. In the workplace, gossip attracts both notice and attention, as gossipers like the feeling of being frequently sought out for updates. The break room is an incubator for dishing out some juicy negative tidbit about a mutual coworker or leader. It's easy to get sucked into the conversation, and just as fascinating to watch it come to an abrupt halt when someone else enters. Oops! Focusing on private or personal affairs behind another’s back fractures teams trust and productivity and when it becomes unsafe to discuss common problems or issues about specific individuals or groups, private chats or parking lot talk emerge. If this is not addressed by the leadership and authorities, it will be discussed elsewhere, with no resolution and the workplace will continue to fracture. Leadership and authorities must allow a place for feedback so that it prevents their employees from “going underground” to talk about the problems. It is no different in family or social settings. Gossip creates fractures, builds coalitions, and breeds a negative atmosphere. Gossip and rumors are threats and shatter precious relationships. Families need to be sanctuaries where people feel the safest. When insults, ridicule, gossip, bullying, and other disparaging remarks are permitted, it becomes a minefield. So, what do you do with gossip? If it is you, STOP IT! Stand up and do as much as you can to salvage and protect the ones who are not present from these destructive conversations. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” I understand that eliminating gossip appears to be an impossible task, but simple awareness can help reduce its spread. Be the hero not the goat. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything #gossip #gossipmill #rumors #reputationmatters

Ralph and Robin were in their kitchen having a discussion. Their emotions began to rise. Robin attempted to explain her point of view and was continually interrupted by Ralph. The more she felt she couldn't express herself because of his interruptions, the more anger she presented. Her demeanor hooked his anger, and the eruption of accusations, fault finding, bringing up the past, and dredging up old wounds resulted in her leaving the room with more hurt and pain than before. The difficulty with telling someone they are angry is like telling a fish it's in the water. (That is if you could say that to a fish.) It is such a blind spot, and the conversation degrades into an unrecognizable mince of words. The original conversation has disappeared, and it is now only about winning a fight. This is more a natural feeling than abnormal because who wants to lose? Amazingly, an angry person doesn't notice when they lean in, speak loudly, act intimidating, use strong words, or try to subdue the other. And it's interesting how bringing up these angry tendencies only provokes greater anger and denial. Anger in relationships represents our automatic survival mechanism. Yes, the fight, flight, or flee mode. None of these work in resolving a disagreement peacefully. If the fly or freeze mode is taken, the argument is pushed into the future and usually erodes into an angry fight that, interestingly enough no one can win. Yes, in an angry fight, everyone loses. I also hate the thought of others, particularly innocent children, becoming collateral damage as a result of hurtful words. When the parents of a family are fractured, the children suffer the most. I have witnessed anger too many times in my office. Protruding veins, wrinkled faces, occasional spatter, and sharp, piercing words appear without the person knowing they are angry. Anger can feel so appropriate at that moment and is not easily ended. The angry person is unaware of the damage and collateral damage it produces. It is only currently perceived as the appropriate way to deal with the situation at that moment. What is not seen is the unappealing and unattractive nature of anger just to prove a point or win an argument. The unseen results of anger are fear, broken trust, distancing, and brokenness. Anger might stem from a lack of control. Carrying too much emotional baggage is another source. Another example is being unaware of one's emotional maturity. Anger is one of the most prominent blind spots I see in relationships. Going out of control to gain control is an oxymoron. So is telling a fish they are in the water. Can you recognize and admit when you become angry? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation #angry #anger #angerissues

Shame is a deadly feeling or emotion that cripples interpersonal and external relationships. Shame highlights the weak points within. It can be a convenient source of defensiveness as we read on Monday. Shame is what is handed to us by others. Their denigrating comments, or gestures are the source of shame, as are being teased, ridiculed, or put down. It's difficult to accept or understand if you don't experience it, just like so many other emotions. It is likely to hear the comment, “Just get over it, it is not that bad.” Oh, how I wish that would be the answer. Shame cripples the inner self as well as relationships. My first four years of schooling were in a two-room schoolhouse in Tankersley, Texas. It was a small rural school. The first, second and third grades were in one room and the fourth, fifth and sixth were in the other. The West Texas Boy's Ranch was a major source of students. This was a ranch for boys who suffered from family violence or were unable to be a part of their family for various reasons. This concept scared me because I was very dependent on my mom and dad, and I couldn’t imagine living away from them. Man, these boys were rough and tough and to a frail boy like me, it was frightening. They bullied and teased me until emotional survival became paramount in my life. I learned to avoid, wheedle, please, and do whatever was necessary to exist in that environment. I certainly do not blame anyone for the experience, it was just life for me at that time and perhaps I did learn some skills that have helped me over the years. It did cause me to have empathy for these boys, yet it was empathy from afar. When I changed schools, the school was so big it had three fifth grade classes! This put me into another situation that was difficult because these kids were much more affluent and much brighter than I. My desire to be accepted failed due to me trying to cover my shame by being a bit grandiose. I was the only one that didn’t see through it and when I finally did it produced more shame. So, I struggled with not being enough for many years. Again, this is not blaming my past but exposing it, looking to the future and what’s next. How do I get rid of this ingrained negative thought pattern of feeling unworthy? Recognizing and looking for ways of dealing with shame has been the way out for me. Self-talk, identifying the negative story I am telling myself, then acting as if it was true has made me aware of my contribution to self-induced unworthiness. Today I tell myself positive stories as if they are true and it lifts my spirit. Some of the blind spots I have struggled with in my relationships have been anger, defensiveness, rationalization, and turning situations around so that I am not the problem, among other outward behaviors that have pushed others away over the years. Ouch, what a disaster I unknowingly created. Thank God I had the courage to persist until I succeeded. Shame is a toxin that contributes to the demise of relationships. If you're not familiar with it, I recommend doing some research on it. If you suffer from shame, seek professional help to deal with it in a healthy way. This is not a solution for dealing with shame, but rather an opportunity to examine how it contributes to unhealthy relationships. Does shame permeate your relationships? It is a major source of problems in relationships. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #Shame #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

Last week I relayed the story about Ralph and Robin having difficulty expressing themselves in a way that the other could understand and appreciate. Hearing what could be construed as a complaint or fault from the one you love can stimulate the feeling of defensiveness. I see that it can be challenging to identify or acknowledge defensiveness in some circumstances because doing so requires admitting you are wrong or the need for change. The level of defensiveness is related to feelings of self-worth. If I feel unworthy, put down, criticized, or demeaned in any manner and my self-worth is very low, I will react in a very unpleasant way to attempt to overcome the wretched feelings of self-doubt. If I am feeling good about myself, goodness becomes a shield impervious to words of harm. When faced with the prospect of vehemently defending myself, I resort to defensiveness. But what am I protecting? Is it my dignity, pride, or desire to appear favorable? Regardless of the answer, defensiveness works to ward off unwanted negative feelings. I want to disown what I might have done. I may not want to admit irresponsible acts or behaviors that hurt another. Seeing myself as a failure may not be a place I can go. So, it is easier to start a conversation that shifts responsibility to the other and turn it around on them. Attacking the other is an attempt to change the culpability from the person feeling like a victim. If I can get the conversation turned to you, then I am out of the spotlight and don’t have to experience the shame or guilt that damages my self-worth. But in this situation, anger fueled by a loss of self-worth results and the discussion is ended. The results of this kind of conversation also depends on the anger level. It leads to more fractures and unfinished business, which is then added to the already bubbling cauldron of similar discussions and is used as fuel for future arguments. The higher the anger level, the worse the fracture. If defensiveness is the result of poor self-esteem, how is that overcome? The explanation seems easy, but the change is difficult. Again, it depends on the level of unworthiness. The first step may be to acknowledge that there is a problem with unworthiness. It is beneficial to practice saying and hearing good and positive things. Stopping the negative self-talk that keeps this circle in motion often yields fantastic results. This is not a cure for defensiveness. It is an idea, to bring it to the surface, to help identify a blind spot in relationships. Defensiveness can be overcome with conscious determination, acceptance, and strategic intentional focus. Can you accept defensiveness as a possible irritant in your unhealthy relationships? What an unlikely topic—defensiveness! Yet it is one of the hidden and most deadly issues in relationships. Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #defensiveness #defensive #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

Last week I was listening to Ralph and Robin again. Robin was going over a list of grievances. She reported: You get angry. I don't feel connected. I sense you are intolerant. You say negative things about my family. You treat neighbors and strangers better than me. Each of these grievances was listed separately, and each was met with resistance, "I wouldn't do these things if you didn't blank blank blank." Wow, what a disconnect. Robin wanted to connect with Ralph by sharing information that she believed would bring them closer together. Maybe it's the way she delivered it, or the way it was received. It doesn't matter. The truth is that the conversation ended with more distance between them. Years ago, hearing negative feedback about myself felt like an attack. It felt like I was unworthy, blemished, or damaged somehow. I felt the need to rationalize my behavior so that I wouldn't look bad. I needed to point out my good habits and behaviors and not look at what was causing the other to pull away. I could not comprehend this at the time. Now it is so blatant when I witness it. You have heard me say, "Perceived complaints can be compliments in disguise." It’s what I didn’t hear you say. I saw this list of grievances as a method to remove barriers in the relationship. This is where communication fails too frequently, and if it does, it is the message sender's responsibility to convey it. If it fails, other means are necessary, and by other means I do not mean repeating the same thing louder. I could say that again. Knowing the desired results can be a starter. Stating to the other the purpose and desired outcome of the conversation can be a fresh and meaningful beginning. It also allows the sender to be more strategic in their delivery. Writing a letter may be another means of getting the message across. Getting some coaching or counseling can help. It is sad to witness the blind spots we all have in our relationships. Using gentle and curious questions rather than automatic defensiveness is the real key. How come you're telling me this? Could you help me understand? What else do you need from me? These questions can open a robust dialogue in building healthy communications. It is so easy when feeling attacked or condemned to want to defend or attack back. It is our natural response. When confronted with perceived negative feedback, the emotionally mature response is to exercise self-control and seek understanding. Monday, I will talk about the need for defensiveness. Are you presently presenting as defensive in these types of conversations? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herostories #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

I was speaking to a good friend the other day about being a guardian, not some judge or holier-than-thou kind of person. Subsequent to his chat, I was reminded of the following stories. I was in Houston traffic a while back. Some people stand on the street corner and ask for money, known as panhandlers. They get contributions and rebukes. Some are called winos who want money for alcohol. Others are seen as the down and out of society and resort to pleading. Most are more ignored than helped. I saw an interesting scene play out beside me. At a red light, a panhandler approached the car next to me, and the man yelled at the panhandler, "Why don't you go to work, you lazy bum." The gentleman retorted, "I don't want to be on this corner. This is my first step for me to getting better." The panhandler stood his ground and taught a great lesson to all who witnessed it. Wow! It was a revelation. The man was brave enough to be vulnerable by panhandling in order to start a new life. It was his first step toward betterment. All around me, I see inefficient, unproductive, and wasteful actions and behaviors. It is simple to pass judgment and even to criticize them silently. Although I feel negatively affected by this, it comes as a natural reaction. I let their actions ruin my mood if they are not doing life or handling things as well as I believe they ought to. What if, instead of judging and condemning these 'less than individuals' in my eyes, I decided to be their guardian? I could take action to help, safeguard, and mentor them. This action is not to be their hero, but to help from a afar. A friend of mine was in a long grocery line, and the person ahead of him watched every item rung up. He was quick to challenge prices and disinterested in getting out his money or card until the final bill appeared. He reached for his wallet and fumbled it open, only to see he was short a few coins. The bill was about $22. As he searched all his pockets, my friend heard a quiet voice saying, "Swipe your card." Without hesitation, my friend just paid the old gentleman's grocery bill. The older man was so grateful. Everyone in line, who was mumbling for him to hurry, seemed to be touched by my friend's generosity. What a great example of being a guardian to some unsuspecting person who may be doing their best but not to our standards. After all, he was doing his best. I will never forget this story. Another good friend carried a few loose dollar bills and cans of soup to pass out to these strangers who needed a guardian. His idea was that if the person used it for alcohol or food, it was their choice. It was their benefit or burden. This is just another example of guardianship. Now when I see a person digging in their pocket or purse, will I give them the stink eye, or will I become their guardian? Can I give a friendly smile or comment? What will that cost me? I prefer to give away kindness than doom and gloom or judgment. I must be vigilant, or I will fall back into old patterns. How about you? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

Robin and Ralph had been married for some time. This evening Robin meets him at the door with, “Why didn't you call? Why didn't you let me know when you left to come home? You never keep me informed about what you are doing. You don't have a problem communicating with your buddies.” Wow. What a conversation. It sounds like a plateful of complaints—didn't call, didn't let me know, never keep me informed. You can tell your buddies, but not me. These kinds of comments can feel legitimate because she feels anxious and left out. Not knowing can be anxiety-producing. I have found something I call, “listening beneath the words.” It is looking for the origin of the statement or question. Why didn't you call can be seen as I was worried about you. I wanted to know if you're OK. I wanted to hear your voice. I was missing you. I was afraid something was wrong. You can hear these “compliments” beneath the original words if you stretch your thinking. Conversely, the conversation can begin with, “Oh, there you are. I was worried about you. I was missing you. I wanted to hear your voice and know you're OK.” Following my thinking here, this is another way to stretch your thinking. It is easy to feel angst and display anxiousness in conversation instead of being calm, focused, and intellectual. It takes slowing things down and being intentional about what is happening. To be more effective in communication, you must know your emotional state and act accordingly. Are you more emotional than intellectual? What do you want to happen here and now? Do you want to attract or repel? We sometimes allow our emotions to present the opposite when we want to attract. I call it “blurting”, when I talk before I know how I want the conversation to end. Slowing down your thinking and need to speak and asking what you want or how you want this conversation to end can be extremely productive. This is being intentional about relationship building. When you take a moment to reflect on what you want and how you need to show up to attain it, it can help you build relationships. Do you want to attract or repel people? It is your choice. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #gratitude #happiness #complaints #compliments

What is the secret to advancing at work or building a better family? It is easy to spot the things others are doing wrong and impede my success at home or on the job. I hear these questions or comments related to work, "Why do they do it that way? Why don't they include me more?" My suggestions are ignored. I am disregarded while things are going well, but I am constantly involved when things derail. In families', similar questions are asked, "Why do they argue so much? Why do they not listen, or do I have to raise my voice to be heard or say the same thing ten times? Why do I remind them about chores, homework, manners, and our family's everyday things?" I love Jim Rohn's quote, "You must work harder on yourself than on your job." When I play the victim at work, I come across as weak and more problematic than contributing. Whining and living in the negative identifies me as a weak team player. Ineffective or inadequate contributors negatively influence the strength of a team. It is the leaders' job to identify and correct these employees. Can you hear this? If correction is difficult or impossible, the team and company will limp along carrying the low producers. The more I work on myself at work, the better things go for me. Where did you learn to be in a relationship? Is that working? If it is, keep it up. If it's not, where can you find relationship education? Where did you learn to parent? Is that working? If so, keep it up. If not, how do you get more training and education to make it better? We spend so much time educating ourselves in our work roles and little time in family or team roles. Some of the greats I listen to report they spend 10% of their income on training. Wow, that sounds like a lot. It is not just education for work but to improve social, work teams, and family success. My investment in my training has been invaluable. The more I concentrate on people I can't change, the more helpless and ineffective I become. The more I focus on what I can do, the more hopeful, optimistic, and productive I become in all areas of my life. How are you doing with your continued education for life in general? Watch for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #resetyourmind #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #selfdevelopment #selfempowerment #selfcare #jimrohn #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything