Search Blog

Some of you know but some may not know, I have written a book, Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't Know about Myself. I am excited to announce that TBN | Trilogy.tv has picked my book up for publishing. Below is the commercial that is running on TBN and TBN Inspire Channel. It is available on amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million, Walmart.com, Trilogy.tv and many more. Thank you all for your support. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #ChampionshipMindset #championmindset #lesbrown #innercritic #marriage #marriagegoals #marriagematters #marriagecounseling #counseling #couragetoriseandthrive #counselingmatters #mindsetiseverything #walmartmarketplace #barnesandnoble #amazonbooks #amazonkindle

Robin and Ralph have been dating for more than a year and are discussing his ex-girlfriend. Robin reports feeling that his ex is trying to keep in touch with him even though they have been apart for over a year. His ex-texts him occasionally, and it is getting under Robin's skin. She continues to complain to Ralph; he claims to have told her to stop, but it has done no good. She doesn't want to lose him, but the same old tactics aren't working. She uses this opportunity to say the same things, only louder and more frequently. [Blind Spot] Both are getting more frustrated, and the stress is overwhelming. Out of exasperation, Robin takes the situation into her own hands and contacts the ex. Robin tells the ex to leave them alone. The ex now sees that she has stoked Robin's jealousy and escalates her texts to him. Ralph isn't helping to diffuse the situation because he doesn't see this as a problem; he has no interest in his ex, so it is a non-issue. [Blind Spot] His inability to grasp Robin's frustration adds to her dissatisfaction, and she threatens to end their relationship if the texting doesn't stop. This frustrates Ralph because he feels helpless, claiming he has no control over her. This situation is more common than you might think. It is easy to become a victim of the ex and lose self-control. [Blind Spot] Ralph claims to have no control, but I see several opportunities where he can act. He can refuse to respond to the ex and let her know that her texts are forwarded straight to Robin. And, of course, he can continue to affirm Robin and show, not tell her, that she is his one and only. This is a perfect opportunity for Robin to reassess herself and see that she is worthy of Ralph's love. The better she feels about herself, the less she will endure. It is time to move on if she can't get Ralph to understand that she will not be in a relationship with the ex-hanging around. This is an excellent place to examine jealousy and how it is affecting Robin's discord. If she continues to focus on the ex, the convincing evidence will appear; it's like the adage—you get what you are looking for… Jealousy can be seen as a blend of fear, anger, and sadness. When fear is involved, jealousy feels threatening. And it's easy to experience a sense of menacing doom in your relationship. Jealousy can only be overcome by others taking action to alleviate the problem. Example: the ex must stop texting, and he must break it off. If the other person does not act in the manner that I need, jealousy will never reside. When jealousy can be replaced with inadequacy, the victim (Robin) becomes in control. Inadequate means to not be enough, to be insufficient, not educated enough, not able enough, or simply ill-equipped to handle the situation. I cannot change jealousy, but I can change my inadequacy by becoming adequate. Read that again. I am now in control, not that outside force. Now I can focus on my adequacy, not my faults and shortcomings. I can see what I deserve and will not settle for poor treatment. This is easier said than done. Yet it is essential to maintain a great sense of adequacy if you are in a relationship. Have you been a victim of jealousy? It can be a monster if you let it. Can you see the opportunity to change jealousy with inadequacy? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #jealousy #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Two supervisors were talking about their employees during their lunch break. They were given the task of ranking their employees in order of productivity. Hesitant to do this, both were aware that a layoff was likely. Having been through it before, they knew how unpleasant it was for everyone, especially those who were being released. Their worries came true the following week, and they both had to lay off employees. One of the supervisors mentioned Jim, who was a good employee and equal with the others, but he caused a lot of chaos on his team. He was critical of other team members and constantly pointed out their shortcomings and failures. He had difficulty communicating with others, both superiors and his peers. When anyone mentioned anything about his character within the team, he became defensive and argumentative. Jim was the team's youngest member. He had a good education. He arrived early and, if asked, would stay late. But he lacked the maturity and knowledge required to contribute to great results for the team. So, when layoffs came, Jim was one of the ones who fell out of the bottom. Jim's situation reminded me of a book I read many years ago by Tim Sanders called The Likability Factor. It was an interesting book full of examples of how "likable" people succeed. He showed decades of research and examples of how these people were promoted and chosen over other employees of similar production. In my examination of the title of Sanders's book, I can see the antithesis of the title. That would be that unlikable people don't succeed. Take Jim; although sad, many factors led to his being laid off over others. It is effortless to be unlikable and not even know it. This is why I talk about blind spots so much. Discovering what others experience of us and how others describe us can be incredibly courageous and powerful. Our character and likability are always on the line; positive feedback makes it easier to know where we stand. When we expose our blind spots, we find we can help bring out the best in others, handle life's challenges with grace, and excel in our daily roles. Making healthy changes is possible when we become aware of our unlikability and how we present ourselves to those who matter to us. What is it people are saying about us behind our backs? They might be saying things that limit our future. What is being said that we don't know? What is causing vital information to stay hidden from us? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts #feedback #positivefeedback

It's easy for us to present happiness and contentment—it is generally how I portray myself to others. However, sometimes "the critic" inside continues to remind me of all the wrongs I've done, all the mistakes I've made, and all the self-deprecating statements I've spoken. I know every wrong that I've done better than anyone, and I have proof of my shortcomings. It is not difficult to recall them; the times I failed, the times I embarrassed myself or someone else. Others know some of my disgraced past, but I'm the only one who knows it all. So, it's familiar territory for "the critic" to use my past against me. Self-criticism becomes commonplace. I don't always recognize when I am jealous, envious, judgmental, or have other sins of character, but I know how it distorts my mood and thinking. Here again, I allow "the critic" to jump upon my back and weigh me down emotionally. I can get away from difficult people, rude neighbors, and even mean family members, but I can't escape myself. I wake up, eat, sleep, shower, drive, go to work, and even go on vacation with myself. I appear to be genuinely on top of my game, even though "the critic" is working overtime on the inside. Sure, a glimpse of the past is required to reorient my future. But always looking down and backward, focusing on my flaws, makes me less than who God created me to be, and it will only cripple my future. Life has its ups and downs, and it's not always one or the other. But when it's up, I celebrate, and when it's down, I hunker down to weather the storm knowing good things will surface. Life is not always on my timetable, but I am determined to say that "I'm not finished. My mistakes of the past will not defeat me." I choose to minimize my mistakes and regrets. I choose to find positive things to say about myself to drown out "the inner critic." Choosing to listen to "the critic" can be a bad habit. Thank goodness bad habits can be broken. We need to use our mistakes and resentments to improve tomorrow rather than ignoring them, and this breaks the self-critic habit. I silence "the critic" by developing a strong, confident voice to speak positively about who I am and how I present myself. It's not about being arrogant or conceited but about growing and progressing. I love the question, "If I could go back and do this situation again, how would I do it differently?" So, how are you with "the critic" inside? Perhaps you don't have one, or perhaps it's a blind spot. I am changing my "down and back" look at the past to an "up and outward" look. I want to interrupt that intrusive critic and move forward. Look for the blind spots. Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #innercritic #marriage #marriagegoals #marriagematters #marriagecounseling #counseling #couragetoriseandthrive #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #beyourownhealer #mindsetiseverything

I don’t know about you, but my mind becomes unbridled when I see or hear people say things or do things that I wouldn't. It is easy for me to be judgmental and criticize their decisions. Just the other day, I am sitting at a long traffic light. I have set through three lights already and now I'm about to make the next one when the light turns green. I have almost been patient, waiting for my turn to go. What?! The person in front of me decides to let two cars out of a driveway?! Now I'm stuck for another lengthy light. How rude and inconsiderate? How could they? Don't they know I'm in a hurry. It's easy to question the decisions of others especially if it gets in “my way of thinking.” Perhaps this causes me to feel out of control. Ouch! I have a friend, wink wink, who gets upset when things like this happen, especially when he's in a hurry. Another interesting situation is being in a long line at the grocery store and the person ahead of me is having a very engaging conversation with the checker. As they're being checked out, the story goes on and on. They are enjoying laughter, catching up, having a wonderful time together. Yeah, great for them but I'm holding only three small items and would like to get out so I can get on with my life. Then after the total comes up, the person begins to wonder how they're going to pay for it. Should I use cash or a card? When they finally decide, it takes forever to get the means of payment out and during that process their conversation continues. Wow! Do these people not have any empathy at all? What an interesting thought. Surely, I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way. What about the clothes some wear? Have you ever said to yourself or to another you wouldn't be caught dead wearing those clothes? Perhaps you or someone you know has said, “Her clothes are for teenagers not for the elderly.” These kinds of situations are endless. Oh, if you knew all the things I say to myself. Isn’t it fascinating how different we are and how easy it is to think others should think or do what we would do. What if I just looked at these situations as fascinating and not judgmentally? What if I looked at these situations as, “I'm not in control of what others think and do.” Blind Spot: others don’t think like me; rather than trying to control or be upset, it would be best if I sought self-control. Perhaps my life would be less negative, chaotic, and out of control. What about you? Can you relate to my situation? What will it take to disallow these experiences in life to dominate your thoughts and feelings? I am a work in progress, how about you? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #thinking #MindOfChrist #mindovermatter #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Worry is on a continuum from mild to chronic and everywhere in between. Worry is that ‘silent thief’ that steals our time and our energy. It has certainly been a characteristic I have continued to work with throughout my life. It is so easy to say don't worry, but remember, anxious people cannot hear facts. Before an anxious person can listen to what we have to offer, we must first emotionally connect with gently curious questions. So many fear acronyms imply that if we stopped worrying, our lives would improve. Wouldn't that be easy? Here are just a few F-E-A-R acronyms: False Evidence Appearing Real Forget Everything And Run Finding Excuses And Reasons Forget Everything And Relax There are many more acronyms and they are all meant to call attention, create calmness and change context for the person who is worried. For example, if my worry is on the lesser end of the continuum, these acronyms are a reminder that can reorient my thinking. If my worry is measured on the continuum at the midpoint or beyond, these acronyms fall short of being able to calm my concern. Worry leads to exaggerated stories of what might occur and what will happen if it does. I call it, “holding a mental picture of what I don’t want to have happen.” I often wonder, “Do I want others not to worry because it makes me uncomfortable when they do.” When I'm around someone who worries, I feel disconnected, distant, uninvolved, and sometimes blamed. I confess, when I'm worrying, others feel that same way. I want to help them so I can feel better. Crazy concept, huh? I remember when my sons first began to drive and had curfews. I recall as the curfew began to get closer to its expiration, I would make up worry stories about their safety. Are they okay? Will they be in before curfew? I wanted to hear the car in the driveway soon. Of course, this was all before cell phones. If curfew passed, my stories would get bigger, and I would think of accidents, legal issues, and all the things that could happen to a young teenager who is new to driving. I became a novelist and wrote chapter after chapter about what may possibly be going on. Oh, the stories I could make up. Was that a siren I just heard? Is it the police or an ambulance? Oh my! Do I need more faith? By the time they returned home, I was irate or quite unwelcoming. I would talk about their irresponsibility and their violation of the rules. My fear and worry were expressed in anger and not discussing what was actually going on with them or me. I presented as repelling and not attracting because my worried, made-up stories were conjecture and not complimentary at all. I questioned their intellect, logic, driving, judgment, and decision-making rather than trusting that they were taking good care of themselves. Logically, my only options were to pray, control myself, and not let worry and fear get the best of me. At this point, if I had heard the words "don't worry," they would have fallen on deaf ears. Self-control and joining with them by utilizing gently curious questions are the key. Without information, I make up what I fear and react as though it is true. This made-up story is usually far from the truth and not a good story. This is where I like to use the four questions that allow me to get more information which reduces my fear, anxiety, stress, and worry. What do I know about my identified worry? (In this case, it is they are not home yet) What do I not know about it? What can I do about it? What can I not do about it? Through these four inquiries, I now arrive at a logical and intelligent conclusion that gives me clarity and reduces my anxiety. Remember, when my anxiety is up, my intellect is down. How do you face your worry questions? Do you become a novelist? Can you see the benefit of gathering known facts to improve your intellect and subdue your anxiety? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #worry #worryfree #worried #timeflies #anxiety #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

I don't know about you, but when I wake up without an agenda, it's effortless to doddle around, get my coffee, and plant myself in front of the TV. I melt into what someone else decides to fill my mind with. I see the ugly side of the world and call it news. I get drained because I'm helpless to stop the war, shootings, white-collar crimes, DUIs, political polarization, and the like. Hearing interviews where people are asked terrible questions like, "What is it like for your son to be shot?" What is it like to be buried alive in an earthquake, and did you expect to be rescued? I like to guard the privacy of someone in anguish or suffering personal circumstances. It is vital to know what is happening, I usually record the news and quickly review it for available updates and do not use my valuable time watching negative news and meaningless ads. When listening to my writing and speaking mentors, they have a routine that fits them. Getting up at a specific time and implementing things such as prayer, meditation, reading, exercise, and so on allow for more productive use of time. How much time do you have? Are you spending it wisely? What is your purpose? Time is precious. What will you trade your time for today? It is important to remember that we can’t get time back. I want to feel the day's success when I lay my head on my pillow at night. I want to have made a difference and to feel accomplished. I certainly enjoy a change of routine for the weekend, a chance to rest, rejuvenate, and recharge for the upcoming week. For years, I have heard the old saying, "if you want to change something, measure it." I like a written plan to measure each day and record my accomplishments. Consider money, screen time, family fun, worry time, and relationship time. Being intentional and strategic gives me confidence and puts me in a creative frame of mind. To say these words is easy; to read and agree with them is easy; implementation that is challenging. Is life in charge of you? Do others dictate your mood or thinking? Are you in control of your destination? Do you focus on what you cannot change? Writing down my routine and monitoring it daily is the key to my success. I have heard over and over from every one of my mentors to write it down and start slow and easy. Create success along the way and create opportunities to win. Jim Rohn says, "Small steps taken over time create tremendous success." Expecting rapid change is the killer of this concept. Focus on SMALL and OVER-TIME as the key to your success. Be your hero. Watch for the blind spots! Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #marriage #marriagegoals #marriagematters #marriagecounseling #counseling #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #hero #beyourownhero #beyourownhealer #mindsetiseverything

Jim is a veteran of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars, one tour in each country. Since getting out of the military, he has had issues with drugs, alcohol and legal problems from both tours. He was raised in a very modest home with a wonderful mother. I have met his daughters; they are the loveliest young ladies. They love their dad and volunteer with him whenever they can. His income is based on what he receives from the Veterans Administration benefits due to his wounds from the war. Looking at him, you might fear the exterior you see. He is an intimidatingly large man and dresses very humbly. I have been asking him to join our veterans' weekly Transition Plus meeting. He has been reluctant to join any group. Like so many veterans, he doesn't feel that anyone can understand what it's like to be exposed to what he has witnessed and endured. Jim is an example of what I call “cutting himself from the herd.” He is one of the kindest, sweetest warriors I've ever met, and he lives on "Volunteer Rd." That is, he volunteers to help the down and out any way he can. During our last hurricane, he volunteered to help flood victims clean their homes and cut out damaged sheetrock. He helped carry away fallen tree limbs and hauled debris from households out to the curb for city pickup. The recent tornado in our area found him joining with others to help wherever they could. His heart is as big as Dallas, though he has few personal possessions and a meager monthly check he always shares it with others who are less fortunate. (I know he buys his homeless friend a cheeseburger whenever he sees him.) Jim is divorced, maintains a good relationship with his ex-wife and he's very loyal to his mom and his daughters. He could claim to be a victim, and say life is unfair. He could blame his limp on the military and war. What does he do? He faces life like he is one of the wealthiest men around, one who has unlimited resources. By the way, if a veteran needs a ride to the hospital, he is there, providing he has enough gas. Jim is an example for all of us to model our lives. I give thanks to God that I get to know Jim. He is a veteran who has served his country and continues to serve where he can. I call him a true friend. He is who I can choose to be, he preaches as he lives. I would rather see a sermon than hear one. Thanks for your sermon, Jim. How hard would it be to be more like Jim? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #empoweryourself #bayharbourumc #veterans #veteransupport #veteranlife #veteran #growthmindset #humility #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #Friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

I know I need to do these things. Why can't I do what I say I want to do? What is getting in the way? I know it would be good for me, but I have yet to get to it. I want to improve my health, read more books, find a new job, and many other things. If I accomplished these things, life would be more enjoyable for me. This reminds me of two concise anecdotes. Anecdote 1—There are two large 20-story buildings side by side, 15 feet apart with a man on the roof looking across to the other building. There is a 20-foot plank, 1 foot wide on the roof of the building where he is standing. He was asked if he would put the plank across and crawl over to the other building. He replied with a quick, "Heck no." Then he was asked, "If the adjacent building was on fire and your son or daughter was on the rooftop 15 feet from you, would you cross the plank to save them from the fire?” “That is a no-brainer,” he said. Anecdote 2—In a very mountainous country, two warring tribes lived in the same proximity. One lives up on the top of a very high and rugged mountain. The other lives in the valley below. The mountain terrain is so rough that the tribes seldom have any contact. One evening the mountain tribe came down and stole a small girl and took her back to the top of their mountain. The elders of the valley tribe prepared to rescue the young girl early the following day. They waited until daylight to begin the climb with all the ropes and ladders they could carry and started the treacherous climb to rescue the small girl. The terrain was so rugged and challenging that they made it only 500 feet up the 2500-foot slope on the first day. Tired and bewildered, they stopped for the night to rest, eat and prepare for the next day. The second day was worse than the first making it only 400 feet up the mountain. After two days of rugged climbing, they are only 1/3 up the mountain. Again, the group retired from the climb to rest, eat and recharge. The morning broke, and as they began to prepare their ropes and ladders, they saw movement up the mountain. As they stopped to see what was happening, they saw the mother of the small girl coming down the mountain with her stolen daughter in her arms. When you know the why the how becomes easy. What do you want? Why do you want it?Is the why worth the effort to go for it? What do you want to do that still needs to be done? What is holding you back? What is stopping your big dreams? If you genuinely want to accomplish something, ask why you want it. If your why is powerful, the how becomes a no-brainer. A good friend of mine is going through cancer treatment. Why? Because he has a lot of life ahead to live. He is attacking the treatment with a vengeance. Watch for the blind spots! Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts

They were at a large gathering of friends and family. It was a spring outing, the weather was picturesque, there were lots of joyful people visiting and enjoying conversation. Ralph stood up and asked all to be quiet. He wanted to tell them about Robin. It took him a few seconds to gather his composure. He said, “We have been together a long time. I have been blessed with a companion that has stuck with me through thick and thin. She has always taken the best care of me even when I didn’t know she was doing it. Our children could not have asked for a better mom, one who is fair and with great expectations. She was a mentor to us all. I could count on her to have my back and she saved me many times even times where I was totally unaware. She is resourceful in every way.” Wow! What amazing words to hear. It hasn't always been this good between them, but this is what Ralph wanted to portray about Robin. Does the good outweigh the bad? It sounds like this is true for Ralph. Remember, people use their experience of us to find words to talk about us. When we consider the roles we play in our lives, we find that they are numerous. We are spouses, parents, siblings, peers, coworkers, neighbors, employees, employers, and countless others. What script are we writing for them to use? This is a great exercise in self-development. Imagine the things that you would like to hear other people say and then remember we write their script. This is good and bad news. Good that we can use it going forward yet bad that we may have written unpleasant scripts in the past. This allows us to look into the future and provide others with the experience we want them to use to talk about us. It is an unconscious idea that I think needs to be made conscious. It is important to identify the shortcomings, the resentments or things that are preventing the relationship to be in harmony and equally important to keep the compliments and good things spoken. I happened to ask the question last week to a young couple who were having communication problems, “If you were both 95 years old and you had one last parting comment to make to the other, what would you say?” He said, “It has been a great ride.” She said, “I’m glad I met you.” These words were spoken with such love and sincerity that they brought about a much-needed close experience, because the contents of their conversation before were contentious. It caused them to look at each other from a very different perspective. Are you writing the script you want to hear? What do you want to hear as your parting words when you are 95+years old? Watch for the blind spots! Feel free to comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #mondaymotivation #mondaymood #mondaymorning #mondaythoughts #blindspots #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #marriage #marriagegoals #marriagematters #marriagecounseling #counseling #counselingmatters #mythinking #thinking #mindsetiseverything

I can’t appreciate the good when I am focused on the bad. My friends Ralph and Robin were talking about their relationship. Both were majoring on each other’s minuses, that is focusing on the bad stuff. Blaming and rebuttal were pervasive. When one said something negative about the other, it was disregarded and met with an equal or more severe retort. You can see where this is going. Yes, it will end with very hurt feelings. Both will feel misunderstood, unheard, and resent each other even more. Does this sound familiar? The conversation degraded rapidly. The problem with a conversation like this is that it always ends with the "Achilles Heel comment." The showstopper. The statement that causes the emotions to hit a crescendo and the two walk away, with mumbling comments, “You’re a____________.” OUCH! It's a treacherous path to be able to share grievances in a way that leads to closeness. To get someone to hear what they don’t want to hear is sometimes so impossible that we give up. Little do we know that when we give up on this transaction, we are giving up on the relationship. It is so unapparent at the time and yet so predictable. It may take weeks, months, years, or even decades for this to occur. As I have posted before, this is where defensiveness, anger, and attack is spawned, and the crash occurs. Sharing grievances must be controlled so that it doesn’t get lost in the emotions. This is difficult and can sometimes be more effectively conveyed in written form. There must be some kind of buffer that doesn’t allow an automatic emotional response. It is so necessary to be clear about what is desired before this kind of conversation takes place. The more you can talk about yourself, the less charged the conversation will be. In my office, I slow the conversation down. I ask Robin to state one grievance about Ralph. Then I ask Ralph what he heard Robin say. If she thought, he heard her correctly then Ralph would state a grievance he had with Robin. Robin then repeats what she heard him say. If it was correct, she would continue with her next grievance. If Ralph did not think she heard it accurately he would restate it and Robin would say what she heard. This would be repeated until all of the grievances were properly expressed and heard. This is a controlled exercise and should be done under supervision. What makes this process effective is there is no discussion or explanation about a grievance. This is almost impossible without a mediator to keep them on track. The next step is to state what they appreciate about each other. This same process is repeated identifying good things about the other. It continues until all that they appreciate has been stated. It is amazing what happens when we can slow down the conversation so that each can feel heard. I believe two people in a healthy relationship do not want to do or say things that hurt the other. Some grievances are so significant that they cannot be overcome and are fatal to the relationship; however, airing their grievances can strengthen the relationship. It induces a resonant harmony that fuels understanding, joy, freedom, and connection. This shows the importance of identifying and removing the bad so that the good can be shared and appreciated. Are you looking for the good? If not, why not? Is majoring on each other’s minuses working for you and the relationship? Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share, I appreciate your input. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about Myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #bettereveryday #changeyourlife #marriage #selfempowerment #fridayinspiration #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #LiveFull #friday #fridayvibes #fridaymotivation

Once again Robin and Ralph find themselves struggling in their relationship. It appears every time there's a discussion, Ralph is in the wrong and feels terrible about himself. He seems to be unable to satisfy Robin, and she always seems to be one step ahead of him. Not being a mind reader, he’s having a terribly hard time keeping up with her thinking. He’s constantly apologizing and attempting to figure out how to live so that he does not cause problems for Robin. Interestingly enough, Robin is having problems with their oldest adult daughter. As a mother she doesn't do things right and it displeases Robin. Nothing that Robin suggests for parenting her grandchildren appears to be good enough for them. She understands that they should have a set schedule for bedtime, meals, electronics, and everything else that comes with being a child. Robins’ frustration keeps her daughter exasperated, she seldom calls and is unavailable when Robin tries to get in touch with her. To add to this, she is perplexed because Ralph comes home late, finds things to do without her on the weekends and she tells him this not healthy for their marriage. Always being “right” in relationships can be deadly to its existence. If one must feel right, the other gets to be wrong. No one likes to lose the preponderance of the time. Self-righteousness is a blind spot that causes us to ignore our own flaws while imposing our own way of thinking and morality on others. This comes off as annoying to others and causes defensiveness. It creates a “holier than thou” inequity. This is an extremely repelling behavior. So how do you deal with being self-righteous? First, you must be able to hear feedback from others. Second, recognize that your conversation is causing others to feel uncomfortable. Thirdly, understand that doing this makes people want to leave your presence. This is not easy to hear and even more difficult to admit and change. Here are a few tips: Study and show empathy. Watch out for being judgmental. Listen intently to others. If you must be assertive, show humility. Identify your own biases. Robin’s desire to help and guide others is not bad. Her life knowledge and wisdom have served her well, but it is upsetting to others when they do not understand the purpose of her comments and advice. Great advise can be discounted if it is not spoken in a gentle and caring manner. When Robin can impart her knowledge and be humble, she will be viewed in a totally different way. The goal for Robin is to be respected for her insight rather than be perceived as someone who spews their expertise on others. Self-righteousness is extremely repelling and is difficult to accept. Watch for the blind spots. Please comment, like, and share these posts. You can get a copy of my book below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #blindspots #beahero #inspiration #lesbrown #counselingworks #mindsetmatters #herosjourney #bettereveryday #alwaysright #changeyourlife #selfempowerment #selfrighteous #KnowItAll #mindset #bayharbourumc #growthmindset #emotionalmaturity #resetyourmind #livefulldieempty #thankfulwednesday #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #WednesdayThoughts