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Manipulation is a tactic someone uses to “pull your strings” and gain control over you by making you feel bad about your “authentic” thoughts, feelings, and actions. They use strategies like lying, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, and "the silent treatment," among others, to get you to believe that you are wrong and that they are right. You may feel confused, caught off guard, uncertain about what to think or feel, and find yourself apologizing for something that is not your fault to put them at ease. When I hear the word manipulation I go back to "locus of control." Remember, locus of control is the principle that our lives are full of actions and outcomes, every person is in charge of their behavior and decisions, and we place the locus, or location, either externally or internally. If I say, “You are manipulating me.” I give you control. This is an ‘external’ locus of control. I attribute the outcome to external forces beyond my control and find myself feeling helpless to enact change. But the truth is my level of control often resides only in my perception of it. Between this real and perceived control is the choice to believe in myself and my ability to change it. If I say, “I am “allowing” myself to be manipulated I can “disallow” manipulation.” This is an ‘internal’ locus of control, I have personal control over my own behavior. Choice makes all the difference in how you feel about something. Whether manipulation is in the form of verbal put-downs, name calling, trying to guilt you, abuse, or threats—rather than viewing yourself as simply a passive bystander who is caught up in the flow of life, think about actions you can take that will have an impact on the outcome. A healthy relationship—personal or business—is based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Live your life with authenticity, set clear boundaries, stand up for yourself and remember who you are. Your locus of control influences not only how you respond to manipulation, but the consequences of your actions help determine your beliefs about the results of future situations. Sounds silly but we do not realize what a blind spot this is and how it puts us on a collision course in life. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #responddontreact #dailyfocus #changedaily #opportunity #mindsetmastery #counselingworks #relationshipgoals #focusonyourself #weeklyhabits #dailyinspiration #communicationiskey #emotionalmaturity #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #passiveaggressive #assertivecommunication #mentalhealth #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #communicationmatters

Are you driving down life’s highway with a rear-view mirror as big as the windshield? Sounds silly but we do not realize what a blind spot this is and how it puts us on a collision course in life. The rear-view mirror in your car was created small compared to the windshield because we drive looking ahead, not behind. We can spend so much time looking at what is behind us and find ourselves stuck, or worse, crash because we are not focused on where we are heading. Sometimes we focus on our problems because it is easier to complain about our circumstances and make excuses for our unhappiness. Believe me, limitations do not hold you back as much as the attention you give them. "Never let yesterday, use up too much of today.” —Will Rogers Start paying more attention to what is ahead, it will increase your potential and allow you to experience the positive emotions of spontaneity, and happiness. I know it can be valuable and meaningful to spend time briefly reviewing our setbacks to know what works and what does not. But we are also the only ones that make the effort to emphasize the “positive” things to minimize the impact of the "negative" things. Shrink your rear-view mirror to the right size! Your problems will become immediately smaller, and you can focus on the beautiful panoramic view ahead. In other words, look back to learn but focus forward to the opportunities in front of you. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #responddontreact #dailyfocus #changedaily #opportunity #mindsetmastery #counselingworks #relationshipgoals #focusonyourself #weeklyhabits #dailyinspiration #communicationiskey #emotionalmaturity #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #passiveaggressive #assertivecommunication #mentalhealth #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #communicationmatters

We have all experienced them, the friend that fly’s off the handle at a waiter, the roommate that leaves notes instead of talking, the coworkers that refuse to stand up for themselves no matter the personal cost. All of these scenarios represent an inability to properly communicate emotions in a productive way. Emotions make us human, but they can get the best of us, especially when communicating. Intense emotions can lead to unhealthy interactions with others if unmanaged. Do you know the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior? You may have been in a situation with these behaviors and did not understand how you or the other person were coming across in the conversation. I say that passive and aggressive are on the extreme ends of a continuum, and assertive is on a continuum of its own, where you are either mildly assertive or boldly assertive. —PASSIVE Someone who is passive tends to avoid conflict and will agree with others despite how they feel. Have a tendency to let people walk on them. —AGGRESSIVE A person who is behaving aggressively may dominate a group, or use humiliation or attacks to gain control. Have a tendency to run over people, criticizing, insulting, and intimidating. —ASSERTIVE A person who is behaving assertively will be both respectful and clear when disagreeing with others. They are honest, fair, and direct. Have a tendency to set good limits and boundaries. Knowing these key behaviors you can begin to construct and implement strategies for conversations that are direct, and respectful, building a better you and how you show up. To learn how to create healthy relationships, step back from assumptions, set good boundaries, and realistic expectations to help benefit you and the people around you. So many disagreements and hurt feelings can be avoided by understanding the distinction between these 3. Communication is key to healthy relationships, the more effort, intentionality, and focus we put into this, the more fulfilling and emotionally mature our relationships will become. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #responddontreact #dailyfocus #changedaily #opportunity #mindsetmastery #counselingworks #relationshipgoals #focusonyourself #weeklyhabits #dailyinspiration #communicationiskey #emotionalmaturity #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #passiveaggressive #assertivecommunication #mentalhealth #WednesdayWisdom #wednesdaymotivation #communicationmatters

Emotionally mature people can tell the difference between constructive and destructive feedback. Constructive feedback helps us identify blind spots. Destructive feedback comes across as controlling and belittling. Too many people are saying, “You need to do it this way, you shouldn’t do that. Well, that didn’t work well. You definitely should have studied harder.” What we hear is we are not enough; we don’t measure up to their standards. Then we feel bad because it’s difficult to live up to the way others measure. Comparison…that’s another measure, it’s looking at people and thinking, “Man, everyone has better ideas, are making more, getting out there more, selling more, doing more.” It can be easy to feel like everyone else is just…more. Using someone else’s yardstick to measure your self-worth will always leave you short. We all have our own talents, strengths, skills, and abilities and we could never measure ourselves to any one person or by any one person. We can only measure ourselves against our own potential and against the person we were the day before. When it comes to your potential, it’s important to recognize the things you enjoy, excel, and have a bent toward. Then tap into those things. Let’s follow the big playbook and “pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare (measure) yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” —Galatians 6:4-5 NLT Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bettereveryday #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #responddontreact #dailyfocus #changedaily #opportunity #mindsetmastery #counselingworks #relationshipgoals #focusonyourself #weeklyhabits #dailyinspiration

Sometimes unkind, sarcastic, antagonistic comments are thrown in your direction and as culture would have it, you ‘immediately’ react. [Blind Spot] This reaction usually exacerbates the situation and creates even more chaos and more relational disconnection. Hold’em—the ability to let these words go past your ears and into the abyss, the wall, or thin air. I know this can be tremendously difficult, but it is indisputably the most successful way to handle it. Do not engage, silence is the most intellectual behavior you can employ. Be judicious, sensible, and influential. Take the high road, showing emotional maturity, not immaturity. As Jim Rohn would say, “Those tiny little desks are made for first graders, not adults.” Be the adult. Choose the balance of intellect and emotions, do not rationalize, minimize, or justify. There is no need to try to prove or convince the other they are wrong or defend your position. Hold’em, use restraint over reaction. Stop, breathe…ask yourself what is behind your reaction anyway. Will it make you feel better to engage in this reactive kind of conversation? Hold’em, check your emotional level: first grader, middle school, high school, or mature adult. Choosing “respond over react” will keep you moving up emotionally level by level. Show strength—fighting and arguing are not going to accomplish anything. Remember, anxious people cannot hear facts and reactions will not cause change. As a matter of fact, your quick responses usually indicate defensiveness and anger which say, “I’m about to rise up and go out of control to gain control.” Hold’em, be keenly alert and discerning of others’ comments or intentions. Walk away from rude or aggressive comments. It can be trying, but it is the most rewarding. Not only have you placed value on the relationship, but the silence is deafening. Know when to fold’em. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bettereveryday #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #responddontreact #dailyfocus #changedaily #opportunity #mindsetmastery #counselingworks #relationshipgoals #focusonyourself #weeklyhabits #dailyinspiration

I had the pleasure of speaking on “The Morale Booster Network—Dr. John Ughulu” It is a platform for entrepreneurs, career professionals, leaders, and the general public to give back to the society through coaching and mentoring. Dr. Ughulu is an Atlanta-based Best-selling Author, Public Speaker, Strategist, and Professor of Entrepreneurship helping individuals on a daily basis take charge of their lives, businesses, and career. It was a pleasure to get to share this message on blind spots in relationships. Getting this message to the masses is my pursuit and these opportunities are inspirational and invaluable, thank you Dr. John Ughulu for your heart, and professionalism and for providing a platform for people to discover their greatness. I appreciate you listening and sharing this video to help others uncover their blind spots. I will continue to challenge you to drop the struggles of the past, lean forward, and create the best years ever in the remaining years of your life. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #bettereveryday #beliefsystem #corebeliefs #blindspots #mindsetmastery #change#building #help #leadershipcoaching #counselingworks #buildingrelationships #communicationiskey #entrepreneurship #author #coach #inspiration #motivation #motivationalspeaker #entrepreneurs #leadershipspeaker

Once upon a time, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a great battle he would face. The grandson sat down to listen. He was eager and curious – what was the great battle he would face? “My grandson,” he began, “The battle is between 2 wolves that live inside you.” “One is Evil—anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” “The other is Good—joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.” As they sat in silence for a minute, the wide-eyed grandson finally asked: “Grandfather which wolf will win?” He reached over, touched his cheek, and simply replied, “The one you feed.” That is an awesome example of how storytelling can be a powerful tool. It gives you the ability to share values and inspire. The interesting thing about stories though, are the ones you tell YOURSELF. You have stories you tell in your head every day. You may or may not be aware of them, and some may not even be true, but they are reflecting your core beliefs and the world around you. These stories are like the 2 wolves, they have a direct impact on your relationships, behaviors, and life. A positive story can uplift you to try new things or even do something that gets you out of your comfort zone. But a negative story can do quite the opposite. It can make you feel disheartened, drag you backward and keep you in a fog. The first step to changing a limiting negative story is to identify it. What are some of the things you are thinking about most? Try to notice what you say the most to others when you talk about yourself. Are you the hero or are you the victim in what you say? Can you find the balance? Remember—positive or negative—the thoughts, stories, and emotions you feed will be the ones that win. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #storiesmatter #mindsetmastery

“Let me tell you what I need from you before I tell you what I’m gonna to tell you.” —Jerry D Clark When you begin to talk and do not declare what you need from the listener, it can create chaos and disconnection. If your desire is to vent and get things off your mind, but the listener thinks you need to be fixed or receive suggestions to take care of your situation, anxiety will arise. Telling what you need will give both directions for a healthy conversation. It allows for intent to be declared and understanding to exist before the dialogue begins. If the listener asks, “What do you need from me?” before the conversation goes too far, it can result in understanding and connection rather than deterioration. Ask yourself before speaking, “How come I’m about to make this statement or ask this question?” This is a great way of looking at communication from the following standpoint: “What is my motive?” “What is my mission?” “How come I am about to ask or present this?” You can now guide the outcome that you are looking for. The key is a desire to connect, showing vulnerability by divulging what is going on inside. At the end of the day, all you can do is change your reaction, response, and behavior. Tell’em what you need. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #jimrohn #mindsetmastery #ahamoment

I got to thinking about horses wearing blinders. Blinders keep horses narrowly focused on the task or road ahead. It reduces their field of vision so they do not get easily distracted or spooked. Blinders can prove enormously useful…or become problematic, which is precisely why they were made for horses and not humans. But you've heard of someone described as "having blinders on?” When we wear blinders we cannot see what’s going on around us or behind us, it limits the view to strictly what is in front of us (the obvious, the surface) and no more. It is extremely important that we have access to our 'peripheral vision' because it allows us to get a more total and complete view of our surroundings. Ever drive down the highway you have driven down a thousand times and see something you have never seen before? You are convinced it just ‘popped up’ out of nowhere. Then you learn it is a business that has been there for 'years' and you scratch your head at your lack of awareness. We get blinded by our own blinders and don’t even know we are wearing them. [Blind Spot] We get too focused on the task at hand, our habits, or short-term goals and do not see the big picture. “It isn't that they can't see the solution. It's that they can't see the problem. They can't see the problem if they have 'blinders' on—for 'none are so blind as those that will not see’.” —G.K. Chesterton It doesn’t matter if you’re at home, at the office, or on summer vacation, wherever you find yourself. There are so many wonderful things, and so many opportunities to explore and discover, if you break from the routine, take the blinders off and look around. What kind of blinders have you been wearing? Better yet, what happens when you take them off? Let's not go through life with blinders on, let's start seeing the world around us with all of its limitless opportunities. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #jimrohn #mindsetmastery #ahamoment

Think of the last time you were disrupted by something outside of your control. It might have been bumper-to-bumper traffic, being late for an appointment, someone cutting in line, or being convinced that the slow driver in front of you is doing it on purpose. How did you respond? We are going to have challenges or adversity to deal with, usually when we least expect it or least want it. “You will learn more being fascinated by life than you will being frustrated by it.” —Jim Rohn That quote is like an “aha” moment. Learn how to turn 'frustration' into 'fascination.' It’s like saying, “Look, there are opportunities within these problems. I can learn something here, gain some insight.” Frustration is an emotion we all struggle with, it is inevitable—our response to it is not. I encourage you when you find yourself in a situation that is rattling and aggravating try replacing the word fascinate for frustrate. “It really “fascinates” me that Cindy always leaves a mess in the kitchen. Perhaps she was raised by a wicked stepmother that made her clean all the time!” “It is “fascinating” to me that Henry stands at the refrigerator with the door open. Maybe the longer he stands there something will magically appear.” Apply this principle yourself, work a fascinating story into your situation, it will help you disengage the onslaught of frustration that is presenting itself—give yourself and others grace. The greater your capacity to be fascinated, the more opportunity you avoid frustration. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #jimrohn #mindsetmastery #ahamoment

I observe often that we do not talk in-depth enough, we talk on the surface and too much information goes unspoken. We hit the highlights thinking that is enough to build the personal relationships we desire. [Blind Spot] I call this “Iceberg Communication.” If you remember your science, only about 10% of an iceberg is above the waterline. 90% of the iceberg is under the waterline. Imagining our communication is the iceberg, the ‘words’ we are using and our ‘actions’ are visible. The 10%. However, the thoughts, ideologies, values, and belief systems we are using to base what we are saying on are not visible. They remain unstated in the depths, hidden. The 90%. We make a big mistake if we just listen to the words, and actions interpreting them verbatim. The same is true if we make assumptions or form an opinion about what was intended and why. Above the surface, you have conflict, arguments, or "the silent treatment" behavior. Below the surface are the factors that influence or feed these behaviors, feelings, past hurt, unspoken needs, or family issues. [Blind Spot] The resolution often requires full scuba gear and a deep dive expedition that focuses on what has not been communicated and allows deeper discovery of what is below. We begin to see how to make sense of the conflict, how to stop triggering each other, and how to understand and express emotion with maturity. We can be gently curious in our questioning, i.e. “I can see your anger, and I know you have good reason to be angry. Tell me more.” We find we do not have to be afraid of the vulnerability, even though it may be painful. We become safe listeners with the goal of understanding rather than just trying to be right. Our relationships work both ways, we need to share decision-making power and responsibility. This will encourage growth and success so we do not have "Titanic” results. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #love

In today’s world, letting go for some parents is extremely difficult. I firmly believe parents do the best they know how to do with the idea of launching their young adults to be safe and productive citizens. In my practice, I love to paint a scenario of their son or daughter graduating high school. It’s a celebratory outdoor party with great food, laughter, and festivity. All the friends, family, and the graduate’s friends are present. The graduate stands up at one point, taps on their glass invites everyone to sit down, and says, “Let me tell you about my dad or about my mom.” At that point, I ask the question, “What would you like to hear them say?” This question usually seems a surprise like they have not thought of this. [BLIND SPOT] In general, the answer includes: “I want them to say they were loved. They were given the best support ever. They were encouraged. They feel equipped. They feel like we gave them our best.” I follow up with this question, “Who writes the script the children used to talk about their parents?” The answer to that question is the parents write the script. If their experience is I am harsh, mean, and controlling, they will be distant and have little connection and minimal communication. If their experience is I am loving, kind, teach, mold, and coach them from an emotionally mature stance, they will have more connection and stronger communication. The fact is there is no guarantee they will say what we want to hear, but we are still in the most influential position, and what we do matters in our kids’ lives. “Teach a child how to follow the right way; even when he is old, he will stay on course.” —Proverbs 22:6 Voice Translation It’s up to us what kind of experience we give them. Keep looking for the blind spots and building a better you. Feel free to share your thoughts, like, and share these posts. PLEASE NOTE: Sign up to publish your comments. Login with your email, this gives permission and authentication to publish your content on the site. Click "Sign Up" and login with your email and confirm, once you are signed in you will not have to do it again when you return. It only takes a sec and I want to thank you for your feedback. If you haven't already gotten your copy of my new book, it's available below. Blind Spots in Relationships What I don't know I don't know about myself #BetterEveryDay #counselingworks #parentingtips #parentinglife #relationshipsuccess #mindset #blindspots #changeyourmindset #selfawarenessispower #truthoftheday #emotionalintelligence #consistencyiskey #love