BUILD A BETTER YOU
JERRY D CLARK BLOG

You have a strong sense of self-worth; you know what you want and how to get it. You are assertive enough to get people's attention, but not so aggressive that you scare them away. Your life is going exactly as you planned, and you are truly happy—AND THEN—something completely unexpected comes at you like a ton of bricks and sends stars whirling around your head. Someone draws your attention to a behavior that is obvious to everyone but you. You are shocked, perplexed, and le

Early in a relationship...the seed. I meet someone and feel a mutual attraction. On the first date, I throw out all the hamburger sacks tossed in the back seat of my car. I wouldn’t want them to think I might be a slob. We talk about who we are and have a lot of fun getting to know each other. I find myself wanting to spend more thyme with them. It's simple to dig into a conversation and ask questions, to be accepting, positive, and interested. It's so appealing to feel a con

Growing up in the 50s with five other siblings was tough on me. I was very frail, small, and constantly picked on. We didn't have the most stylish clothing, so again I received a lot of teasing. Teasing, shame, and embarrassment were confidence thieves for me. My desire to be liked and accepted was very important. I would make every effort to come across as likable as I could in any social situation or environment. I never let any shortcomings or flaws show because that was h

I am reminded of a story that was sent to Dear Abby. Dear Abby, a young man from a wealthy family was about to graduate from high school. It was the custom in that “affluent neighborhood” for the parents to give the graduate an automobile. "Bill" and his father had spent months looking at cars, and the week before graduation, they found the perfect car. On the eve of his graduation, his father handed him his gift. He reluctantly opened the present, which contained a Bi

Occasionally situations arise and we look back and see that they didn't turn out the way we would have liked. It is easy to feel frustrated or ill-prepared when these circumstances arise. The other day I was in the mall needing to get a new screen saver on my phone. I was shopping on “no tax on back-to-school items”, so the mall was packed. I was under the weather and feeling bad physically. I had tested for fever and covid—both were negative. Did I mention I had already deal

I was privileged to work in a hospital setting getting the experience of all kinds of psychological matters. I facilitated multifamily groups of adolescents, children, and their parents. These children and adolescents were there for issues of behavior, drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, or other circumstances that cause life and families to be out of balance. Many wonderful things happen in multifamily groups that do not happen in regular family groups. In multifamily group

Yes, I recall the days driving my “beater car” down life's highway in San Angelo, Tx. The fenders were bent and dinged, the paint was rusted, and a couple of windows were cracked. It was a sight to behold. My “beater” bounced off guardrails, occasionally hitting the gravel just off the edge of the pavement, and I would hear it bang on the inside of the fenders. Now and again, my “beater” would skid into a ditch, and once or twice it had me headed in the opposite direction. In

You check your vehicle's tires, oil, and vital fluids for a reason. Unwanted wear and tear can result from a lack of attention. Marriages, also, require upkeep and care. Most couples enter marriage with engines revving and then discover that months or years later the relationship is idling, sputtering, knocking, squealing, stalling, or clunking. Imagine how many breakdowns in love, communication, and patience could have been avoided if a couple had taken the time to address t

It is safe to say that everyone wants life to be a little simpler. No one lays their head down at night and thinks, "You know, I wish today had been way more complicated and chaotic." Right!?? We know firsthand how quickly a day can throw a “plot twist.” It can throw instant chaos into work schedules, kids’ activities, household upkeep, and literally just trying to figure out what is for dinner—tonight. I hear it frequently, “Our lives are out of control, and we just cannot s

Imagine a large limb falls from a tree into a flowing river, as the limb floats the river, it gets stuck on rocks or by other low-hanging limbs. It could get pushed over into the non-flowing water and there remain for an inordinate period of time. It may become waterlogged and sink, never to go any farther down the river. It could be caught up in small eddies or whirlpools and be detained. The large branch in the flowing river is interesting because it sometimes represents us

Do you draw me in or repel me? The way you present yourself can either make you a larger-than-life figure in your story, or a background character. Some walk into a room and instantly put everyone at ease. Others seem to make you grit your teeth and eyes roll no matter what they do. School is gearing up; some have started, and others are getting ready. I am reminded of the Fifth-grade teacher who greeted his students with special handshakes every day before they enter class.

Go big or go home. We have all heard it, tried it, or failed at it. Truth be told too many times when you "go big or go home" you often end up at home. I see it in my office often, people convince themselves that massive success requires massive action. Instead of taking it one step at a time, they force themselves into unrealistic improvements believing it will get them there faster. This is the tortoise and hare story. People who have achieved greatness have learned a cruci

My friend Paula made this comment on the “Blame” post: “This is a great one! Would you please do a blind spot post on defensiveness? While reading this (post on Blame), I imagined addressing the blame issue with someone, but they might get very defensive, and bringing a blind spot to someone's attention might go awry. And maybe my own, trauma-driven, response to having to always defend myself, ha-ha. If someone brought to my attention a blind spot, I might have a knee-jerk re

Relationships become predictable when we do the same thing repeatedly, even if it doesn't work. You say this…I respond with that… I do this…you do that… These predictable conversations or actions create an “orbit.” An orbit is a perpetual elliptical path that one object in space takes around another. It is the same in relationships, we create an orbit that moves in the same trajectory path and becomes predictable in nature. When engaging in these familiar activities, we never

Repeat phrases often enough and they will become true; don’t major on your minuses. This is “automatic” negative self-talk. “Yeah, but I….” “If only I.…” “I am such a (negative)….” “I’ll never….” Having pejorative thoughts about ourselves produces limiting beliefs that create blind spots. Sometimes we drowned in negative thoughts that affect us externally without even noticing. When we internalize negative comments from others, it is like the story of the frog in a boiling po

I think we have all been there, our son, daughter, or someone we care about comes to us and says, “I am not smart enough!”, “I am not pretty.” “I can’t do anything right!” And before they can even get the words out, we are like, “Oh yes you are! You are the smartest young man I know!” or “You are very pretty.” “You can do it and you will!” We grab at the low-hanging fruit thinking “I got this!” and in our haste to make them feel better, we do the opposite. We invalidate their

You are in a classroom where students are working on a group project. The deadline is approaching, but they are far from finishing and the teacher is inquiring about their status. Immediately the students start to explain themselves, everyone starts to point fingers and the discussion goes round in circles as they try to avoid the blame and pin it on someone else. “Not MY fault” Ouch! [Blind Spot] Blame avoids culpability. Blame means I do not need to change because if you wo

Life, love, and the “pursuit” of…. relationships. There is nothing more thrilling, more exciting than the feeling that “the one” is attracted to you and the pursuit begins. You become completely wrapped up in one another’s lives, inseparable. Yes, life cannot be sweeter. But it is just a memory because you have been feeling for the past few months, maybe even years now stuck in a rut, the chemistry is toned down, communication is off, and something just feels adrift. Now you

Individuation is a process by which a person becomes an “individual.” It is a separation of intellect, emotion, and independence of self from others. It means being able to be guided and in charge of your own thoughts or emotions and not others’ expectations or emotions. The greater the level of individuation, the more you can act from your own core under any circumstance. Being fused is the opposite of individuation. If you are “fused,” whatever is going on around you is imp

We put up walls to keep the pain out and wind up cementing the hurt in. We keep emotional pain inside and build walls around us thinking it will keep us safe, secure, and protected. We learn to expect little from others, and we settle for not expressing our emotions because talking about them makes us feel vulnerable. We may have felt betrayed, loss of trust, or have had our hearts broken. As these experiences happen, we begin brick by brick to build emotional walls of self-p